A BETTER ME...A BETTER EVERYTHING!

And there it is...ANOTHER YEAR has come and gone! Goodbye to 2012 and HELLO to 2013!

I used to say "THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR" I really believed it too! And year after year after year I was faced with hardship and trial and of course mixed with blessings and growth! However, I wasn't exactly left to believe that it was "my year"

I remember at the beginning of 2012...I spoke those words again and really believed it! I had reached a point in my life and my career that I was able to retire! I believed that it was truly gonna be an amazing year! I retired from my full time career  in January to take Scentsy on full  time and man did I think that some great things were ahead! I had a couple of trips in February and March and also some speaking engagements and I was really on a high! Being home with my kids and choosing how I spent my days was a dream come true!

I had no idea that our lives were about to be turned UPSIDE down in a few short weeks! On April 3, 2012 we were hit by an F3 tornado and it changed everything! We had no where to go after the house was destroyed! We ended up living in the hotel for the longest 5 months that I can remember while the house was being repaired!  I remember thinking.. "this was sooooo not what I had in mind for retirement!" Well, as a result we ended up enduring some of the hardest 5 months we have ever faced!  We had just moved and sold our house which already had us in new territory for the first time ever but, now after having just adjusted to our new surroundings....MAJOR CHANGE AGAIN!

So half of 2012 was spent living in the hotel inside 4 walls for the Earl family! Even though we were faced with hardship on every front...it ended up being one of the greatest blessings that I can recall! We have even joked that a part of us misses some of the good parts about being together inside those 4 walls!

I can't even begin to tell you the hardships that were caused from this experience! But that is where I proved the truthfulness of my favorite phrase and life theme.... "A BETTER ME... A BETTER EVERYTHING!" ,

Enduring this trial really showed each of us what we were made of and all of  us experienced personal growth! As we bonded our world really was better! Our love was deepened and our unity was strengthened and our faith was increased!

So now that we find ourselves at the beginning of this new year...it makes me think what do we really mean when we say Happy New Year...I kind of feel that we are just celebrating the chance to start a new chapter and close the door to the struggles and trials that we faced! Even if it was a great year for some then it is closing the door to great things and ready to build that into a new and even greater year!

In the dictionary the word RESOLUTION  states that it is the act of analyzing a complex notion into a simpler one or a formal expression of opinion or intention made.

A resolution to me means to reflect and analyze on our life and  the year and all that we have endured and break it down into personal understanding and simplify the lessons! Then we make daily choices that expose that we have grown from our struggles and trials! Then you become "A BETTER YOU"

Every chance you take to reflect about yourself and HOW your struggles affect you and then allow it to improve yourself then you are becoming a better you!

When you are a better you then you can bring forth a positive change in the world by starting with yourself first! It is time to embrace who you are and the trials that you face. It is time for people to be responsible for what they bring into the world. It is time to feel our own strength and how we can make a difference. It is time for us to realize that we have the ability to transform the lives around us by believing in ourselves. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others around us permission to shine!"

Pick whatever word that you want to fill in the blank and it is still true!
A BETTER ME; A BETTER _________________ (friend, marriage, sister, brother, mother, wife, husband, mom, co-worker, neighbor)

AS YOU EMBRACE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT OCCUR IN YOUR LIFE AND THAT YOU WILL FACE IN 2013....REMEMBER THIS....

The GOLDEN opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone.  ~Orison Marden

As you begin this new chapter of your lives in 2013... Find JOY in yourself and take time to reflect! As you discover yourself and make small improvements each day! You will become BETTER and in turn make your world BETTER!

A BETTER ME, A BETTER EVERYTHING!

Rose-Colored Glasses

Well my friends...I can't tell you how humbled I am to receive requests for new blogs! You will never understand what that really means to me! You should have heard what my mind was trying to tell me in the beginning of my blog writing! It was the first time that I had offered such personal life thoughts and experiences and I was feeling rather vulnerable! So the requests for a new blog from several people is incredibly humbling to me!

Recently, I have written 5 blogs that I have not published because the topics were so very near to my heart!  I think I just needed to write about some things and get it out of my system! But those 5 blogs have brought me to the point to write this blog...and for that I am grateful!

I had someone say to me recently; "You always have your head in the clouds!" I laughed they laughed...And I said, YEP! The "old me" would have probably questioned what they meant but, the person that I am today responded...YEP, It sure is!! You see, it doesn't matter what they meant! I took it as a compliment! I consider the clouds as a beautiful happy place!

Self discovery is something really beautiful, but it takes ALOT of patience, self-love, hardships, and ALOT of time! It is weird because if you ask me about my life...I will tell you that I have had an AMAZING life and I truly feel that way! Now if you were to just list the trials that I have experienced you would not think that it could possibly = AMAZING! But its true! If you ask me about my childhood...I would say it was wonderful! If you ask me about growing up and high school...I would say it was great! If you ask me about early married days...it was awesome! If you ask me about my children....I will tell you incredible cherished stories! If you ask me how my life has been the answer is AMAZING!

If you know me well, you know that I have had trial after trial after trial!  So I had alot of pondering to do on this and figure out why if I had been through so much could I possibly HONESTLY respond this way and explain my life to be so good!  The answer that I have discovered...IS YES!

In order to share with you why I see life through
"rose colored glasses"
I am going to share some of the struggles
 that I have faced!





I want to preface this part of my blog: You may read the following and immediately think.. WOW ...that is too much to put out there! Log off and don't continue reading! (One person has expressed to me that I share too much personal information) If you think you might be judgemental about what I am writing then Log off and JUST DON'T READ....But, here is what I believe

 

I truly believe in those 3 choices! Bad things have happened and I have let it strengthen me! I also believe that we all have a divine purpose and it has been very clear to me that I should speak out! As I mentioned earlier that it leaves you feeling a little vulnerable at times (depending what you are sharing) But, my purpose has been confirmed to me many times! When I began writing and opening up about the losses, struggles, and pain that I have faced...I have PRIVATELY received email after email thanking me for being honest and opening up so that "they" had someone that they could trust to open up to and share what they have been through knowing that I would understand and not judge them! For this I am grateful that my pain can help someone else! I used to question why my life had to be so hard, but through the years I have embraced my calling of helping others find JOY IN THEIR JOURNEY and my trials...well I ALWAYS look for the meaning, purpose and growth! It is a CHOICE to see life through rose colored glasses! It has also brought me to my next chapter in life and I am in the process now of becoming a LIFE COACH! Something I have always wanted to do is coming true!

So here it is....are you ready??? I have deleted  this sentence 10 times but I am gonna put out there for the first time publicly. (even if it's just for 1 person)...I was raped my first year of high school!! Like I said...Bad things happen! My best friend died right after high school, I dealt with a very low self-esteem, I miscarried twins (Our first pregnancy) then lost Shealyn (our first child) then lost Shelby (our third child), I think this is where I share WORDS OF OTHERS (like the lady that told me I brought my trials on myself because of having a child out of wed-lock...like it was my punishment), marriage struggles (I tease Shay and say that he has been married to 3 women in 1 due to all of my emotional ups and downs), one ADD child, one ADHD child (if you deal with that you know that means so much), Also, as wife and mother you carry the burdens of the trials that your children and husband face (but that is their story),  betrayal of friends, extreme back injury that cost life changes and living with daily physical pain, post traumatic stress, Loss of my dear father (not to mention the visuals of all the traumatic things I had to witness), MAJOR judgement  and criticism from people (hence my marriage to Shay, a black man, my choice to have more children after losing, my parenting, etc.) AND MUCH MUCH MORE... Needless to say, My life has not been easy! I have never once taken medication (not dissing it if you do)...I just have chosen to let myself feel the depth of every painful situation! There was a 5 month period of my life MANY years ago that was just too much for me to handle and I was weak and turned to drinking for 5 months! I am ashamed of that! But, I learned from that how extremely important it is to keep yourself STRONG so that you don't turn to the world for your relief! That you love the Lord with all of your heart and choose the right! WHEW...Ok so glad that I got all of that out! Even though Shay, my sweet husband, WAS my trial at times (LOL), He has been by my side THROUGH IT ALL...(with the exception of being raped) But in reality, he dealt with me emotionally and mentally after the fact!

So when people give me grief about my head being in the clouds or teasing me because I am so happy all of the time, or teasing and asking can they have some of what I am taking, or thinking that I am fronting this pretend happy life on face book....I DON'T LET IT GET TO ME! I smile....because I know who I am, I know where I have been, and I know where I am going! I just love them anyway! And if they decide they don't like me for my openness....that's OK too! So maybe this blog is a little glance into why I CHOOSE to see the world through my BRIGHT FUSCIA COLORED GLASSES...and go ahead and throw some bling on them too! I LOOK!

 

It is true...I really do find JOY IN THE JOURNEY! I truly have a deep and strong relationship with my Heavenly Father and He continually gives me strength! But I do ask! It takes alot of work to keep myself strong and my Rose glasses clear and free of spots! It is something that I take very seriously! I serve others, I reach out to help when I can, I pray for those around me, I truly do care deeply for others! I have dedicated my life to being there for others and sharing my experiences of life and sharing all that I have learned...which has been much! I will write an entire blog on what I do to keep my positive, optimistic attitude strong! But, this is one thing that I will share for now....

 

 

I learned this while in the living in the ICU with my first child...there is ALWAYS someone that has it worse than you do! Even when I was going through each of these trials and crying a river or maybe an ocean...I never forgot these words, "There is someone that has it worse than me" I learned to be grateful for my trials and the realization that each situation could always be worse! I became grateful for who I was becoming from each hardship and I learned to appreciate every trial and found it an opportunity to grow and become a better person! I have learned MANY things and am in the process of writing a book of how to FIND JOY IN THE JOURNEY no matter what may come your way!

 

And lastly, I always believed this.....THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

 

Find JOY in LIFE and realize that every single hard thing you face...YOU have a choice!

Choose to see the positive, Choose to be an optimist, Choose to see life through ROSE COLORED GLASSES! IT JUST MAKES LIFE SO MUCH BETTER!

The TAXI

So if you know me well...you know that i always look for deeper meaning in situations! I am always looking for what I can learn from the daily situations that I encounter! I love learning the lesson and then applying it into my life! This situation has been on my mind for days!

I was out of town for a Master Mind Event in Houston this past weekend! UH...MAZING by the way! We had a 2 hour window for lunches so everyday we would catch a cab to lunch...eat...and walk back! (Always makes you feel better to walk after eating...RIGHT?) At this time everyone at the event is released at the same time for lunch and most do exactly what we were doing! Cab to lunch and walk back! Well on the 2nd day when we walked out for lunch we walked over to the cabs as they are all lined up in front of the hotel! We walked up to the first cab and get into the cab! We are greeted with a not so friendly cab driver.... He asks "Where are you headed?" We respond, "Around the corner to the Grand Lux restaurant" Then there is this awkward moment of silence and he says, "Well that's gonna be $6 to go around the corner" We respond, "Well that's fine" Then another awkward moment of silence...He then says "They have a free shuttle that will take you there...Did y'all know that?" We respond, "That's OK...there are so many of us trying to get to lunch we would just rather pay and get over there" He says, "Well y'all need to ask the cab behind me" We all have this look on our face like....are you hearing what I am hearing? He then says "Yeah y'all need to get on out and get another driver..I gotta pull on up here to get someone else!!!" We all look at each other and could not believe that this cab driver was PUTTING US OUT OF HIS CAB! We quickly realized that we were a waste of his time and our little quick trip around the corner for $6 bucks was not good enough! We quietly and politely got out of the cab!

We then went to the cab driver behind him and told him where we needed to go and he VERY KINDLY said "Yes, please get in!" He then asked how was our day going?" We told him that it was great and also that we had been put out of the cab in front of him! He said, "Oh this is my pleasure to take you to the Grand Lux" So we began to ask him a little about himself and before too long we were already there! So I bet you know what we did..... YEP, YOU ARE RIGHT....WE GAVE HIM $20 FOR OUR LITTLE TRIP AROUND THE CORNER! He graciously said Thank you and even offered to wait on us! We thanked him and he was on his way!

I probably will never see either of those two men again in my life! But that quote stands out in my mind..."You may forget what they say but you will never forget how they made you feel!"

So here are my thoughts on the 1st cab driver....In the time that he took trying to get us out of his cab...he could have pretty much already had us to our destination and on his way back for another trip!

He was more concerned for his pocket and willing to treat us like we were nothing in order to get what he thought would be better! The truth is that everyone that was standing waiting on the cabs were going to one of 3 choices which were ALL around the corner!

We did not even have to see what his outcome was going to be...It was already obvious what kind of standards that man lived his life with! Unfortunately, he never learned that his mentality in life was never going to get him anywhere!

Do you pass up opportunities thinking there is something better around the corner? DON'T DO IT! Make the best of what comes your way! You may one day realize that you can never get an opportunity back if you pass it up waiting for something better!

"Life isn't forever, so take the first chance, don't wait for the second one. Because sometimes there aren't second chances!" Make the BEST of each day!

The 2nd cab driver lived a life of gratitude! He found JOY in his work and spent his few minutes with us asking us questions about our event or answering questions giving a brief background on himself! A truly delightful man! He greeted us with a smile and went out of his way to open doors and close them! He was very deserving of the extra money that we extended to him!

Isn't that how life is??? When you forget yourself the greatest things in life somehow find their way to you!

You might say well, he just happened to be the next cab driver and it was his lucky day! I suggest that he lives his life in this manner all of his days and this was his blessing to get us in his cab this day and get paid alot extra for being in his cab for 5 minutes!

It reminds me of these great stories that I LOVE SO MUCH!

A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows full well he will never sit.

and this one....

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.
"I've been thinking," he said, "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."


Live your life everyday, giving your absolute BEST that you have to offer! Give back and look for opportunities to bless the lives of others...no matter how small and even if it only takes 5 minutes! You have the choice everyday to live a life with meaning and purpose....Live your life as if YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE...BECAUSE YOU DO!

 


“Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have.”

“Never get tired of doing little things for others. Sometimes, those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts.”

“We can choose to be affected by the world or we can choose to affect the world. ”

I have learned that REAL JOY and TRUE HAPPINESS comes from doing something worthwhile!
Find the JOY in serving others even if it is just a SMILE! Believe that you can make a difference and look for the opportunities to do so with the people that come into your life any given day! Speak to strangers and share your JOY! You never know how you can change someones life by just being friendly!
Find the JOY in MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

Sticks and stones....

You never know what each days brings! Today I have a headache that is KILLING me! I took medicine and still have my headache! I laid down for a bit and still have my headache! Then I started feeling anxiety that I couldn't explain! Then I started feeling my heart beating strongly in my chest! Then my subconscious mind and my conscious mind intersect! THE TEARS STARTED TO FLOW! I felt like I was doing good throughout this season of  memories and then out of the blue....IT HITS!

I received a phone call this morning that a friend from church lost their son today! They knew that this was coming....BUT, really there is NO WAY to prepare for this! I have lived it twice! My heart literally HURT FOR THIS MOTHER and family! It pierces my heart every time I hear that another mother has to endure this kind of pain! Even having beautiful knowledge of eternal families and eternal life...We still face the human reality of this kind of trial! It hurts! It just plain hurts! In this moment I just burst into tears knowing what burden this mother was carrying and subsequently caused for me to feel for a moment my own pain as tomorrow marks the day of my sweet Shelby passing! Many have shared with me through the years that one should celebrate, or be happy knowing that they are with Heavenly Father! Of course that brings an insurmountable peace! But the reality is that we don't reside in heaven! We have "natural man" feelings that we feel! I finally in life feel OK to say these things because I have done everything I know to do for MANY YEARS and the feelings STILL COME every year like clockwork! I feel OK to be down a day or two and just let the tears come! It is amazing to me the comments that I have received through the years and today for the first time I am going to share some of them...

"You should get counseling"
"Maybe you are depressed"
"You should be happy"
"Do you take any medicine"
"Just don't think about it"
"You let yourself get like that"
"But, it's been so long ago"

Because of the many things that have been said to me through the years I often found myself subconsciously trying to respond to them all! Somehow I felt like I shouldn't feel the way I felt and didn't realize that when I did feel the pain that I should be stronger or something! Whoever said "STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME"...LIED! It just plain isn't true! Maybe it is true for the person that is in denial about their true feelings! WORDS HURT! The thing is that not one of those people that said any of those things was trying to hurt! They were trying to help! They were trying to show their love! I know that from the bottom of my heart! But it doesn't mean that the words didn't affect or hurt me in some way!

When I think back on my life and realize that I was 19 when I lost my sweet Shealyn...That Thanksgiving afternoon when we were just sitting down to eat Thanksgiving dinner she began to have seizures and later died....My life has never been the same since! Then I think of the beautiful Halloween morning when my precious Shelby took his lasts breaths and the sun was shining through the window! A new chapter again when I hadn't even completely figured out how to be after losing my first child! Not to mention that I had my sweet Hayley in the middle of all that! Oh well, My life each day was new understanding and living and learning and I still am! I don't think I have ever known NORMAL! But I am beyond grateful to have had experiences that cause me to have daily empathy for others.

I LOVE pictures of the sky with sun rays shining through the clouds so much! These pictures represent my life! I have almost always had some huge cloud or storm to face but with my love of Jesus Christ and desire to overcome the mountains that are placed in my path are the rays that shine through...expressing HOPE and FAITH!

I often wondered why I had to lose both of my children on such traditional holidays that have specific and precise memories associated with them! The whole season is a memory! But, I have realized how grateful I am for these memories because it is a CONSTANT reminder of the plan of happiness or the LOVE that our Father in heaven has for each one of us!

I do so good all year long and I take my trials and experiences and try to share what I have learned, give back, and help those in need! I DELIGHT in that actually! But, sometimes despite the positive thinking, the reading inspirational things, the uplifting music, it will NEVER be enough! I'm thankful for these days that remind me that there is ONLY ONE that has already taken my heartache, burdens and pain and I can get on my knees and say, TODAY IS TOO HARD, MY MIND HAS TAKEN ENOUGH, MY HEART IS IN PAIN, I NEED RELIEF....and then the phone rings and I decide to answer....a complete stranger that I have never met on the other line! She said she felt impressed to call me...we talked for 30 minutes and I was able to express to her what was in my heart and she said how grateful she was that our paths crossed! This is a real life miracle! I have learned by opening up and sharing myself that I open up the opportunities for amazing, unique and beautiful experiences to enter into my life even on the hardest of days! I could have chosen to just lay in bed and cry but I decided to open up and write this blog and the phone call came during my writing!  I JUST REALIZED MY HEADACHE IS GONE!

Even in my sadness of grief and loss...I CHOOSE JOY! How can I not smile even through the tears when you realize that your life was meant for a purpose even if you don't know all the reasons why!

Find JOY in the JOURNEY even on the hard days....IT'S POSSIBLE! Open up and don't be afraid of someone seeing your tears...That kind of communication can change lives!

UNconditional.....

It's so funny how I try and talk myself out of writing even when I love it so much! It is in these moments when the comments that some of you have taken the time to share with me about my blog push me through my self doubt and inspire me to write anyway!

My heart is FULL! As it often is during this time of year! As I sat and thought quietly before I started my fingers to the keys.... the one thing that didnt seem so quiet in my mind was something that is very near and dear to my heart..... Loving UNCONDITIONALLY!  My capacity to love is great and always has been! My mom has shared stories with me telling me how I loved even when I was a little girl!  As I have gotten older I  didnt even always understand how I could love people so deeply! It is easy for me to love! It just comes naturally! I haven't always felt like it was socially acceptable to be so sensitive and loving....believe me I have gotten made fun of through the years that I'm the emotional or sensitive one! But when your heart is BIG....being sensitive just comes along with the territory! I care so deeply! 

Through the years I have seen friendships end over differences of opinions on things like religion, parenting, politics, how someone lives their life, mistakes that people have made, or maybe just because they do things differently or different things are important to them than another! Why do people judge??? Why can't we celebrate the differences that are in each of us? Why can't more people just LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY???

Why can't we just look at someone and love them! Why is it more natural for people to look at someone and size them up instead of trying to get to know them and seek the GOOD!

I remember one day in nursing school I was in Downtown Dallas and I saw a guy at the same bus stop...I think he lived on the streets! His clothes were dirty and he smelled bad! BUT,  I will never forget HIS EYES! I looked in his eyes and I instantly thought, "What happened in his life?" I wondered what kind of pain had he endured and I wondered if he had ever felt love from someone! I smiled at him and he began to cry! I wondered when was the last time he ever saw a smile! He never even asked me for anything! No words were spoken! I have often thought about that man! I could see straight past the smell and his clothes! This is a more extreme example but what about that family member or friend that raises their children way different than you would! What about that way that family member or friend handled a situation! If your first reaction is to judge then that is not being unconditional! Why can't people see right past the issue and love the person!

I have been judged on many different things through my life...I know what it feels like to have judgement placed on you! It used to hurt! I have grown and learned that there will always be someone that thinks you should do something different  or that you should or shouldn't do this or that! You can even love those people!

We are ALL at different places in life and we ALL have different trials that we face....so try to LOVE more freely instead of getting caught up in judgements of others...NO MATTER WHAT!

You should never let the problem be bigger than your love of the person!

As I have watched the election draw near I have witnessed alot of hate and anger amongst people! I have seen relationships end as a result of someones beliefs!

We need to get back the the "GOLDEN RULE" of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you! We need more LOVE! We need more willingness to help another instead of saying well they got themselves into that mess! We need more genuine care instead of saying well that's the world for you! We need more concern instead of saying well I have my own problems! We need more praise instead of assuming it will give someone a big head! We need more compliments instead of assuming one must already know! We need more reaching out instead of thinking you are not gonna waste your time! We need more service instead of thinking your own plate is too full! We need more unconditional love!

Love is such a powerful force especially when shared! Think of the last time someone loved you even when you might not have felt you deserved it! It is powerful!

Spend your time and energy validating someone instead of thinking what you would do different in a situation! Seek the good in others...give people the benefit of the doubt! You will be amazed at your capacity to love ...it will grow! Let go of so many expectations for those in your life and give more acceptance, appreciation, and understanding!

Find JOY in loving others! You can make a difference just by choosing to not place judgement and showing UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

The RIGHT place at the RIGHT time!

I am absolutely amazed at the tiny details of our lives and how some of the simplest choices we have to make each day can feel so divinely directed! I don't believe in coincidences!!! Most of the time you never see what good you might do or how you bless a life! But every so often you get the sweet chance to see that you made a difference for someone. This is exciting when the opportunity presents itself because you were in the RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME!!!!

The beauty of this is when you look back on the whole experience and can perfectly see that if you hadn't of made this choice or that choice you wouldn't have been in that place at that very moment! I am always thrilled to see the Lord set me up in a position to do a good thing. I'll explain....

In my car, like most cars I have a warning light that goes off when the gas is low! It also tells you how many miles you have left to drive! Yesterday, it went off at it's normal 50 more miles to drive. Normally I am immediately pulling in to get gas at the first warning! But yesterday, I had a headache and decided I would go home and get gas when I had to get back out to run an errand. I get out to run the errand and I still was not in the mood to get gas. Unlike me! So I didn't! Actually by then the 25 more miles warning came on and I still did not stop! My last errand was to pick up my daughter and I knew there was a gas station right where I was picking her up. So I knew with 25 more miles that it was plenty to get there and I could get gas and all would be well! (I don't recommend because you never know what can happen) Well, I am almost to the gas station and realize that it is the exact time that I am supposed to be there to pick up Hayley. So I pass the gas station and go to get her and then I would get gas! When I pull up...she is not there yet at the same time I get a text that she will be there in 7 minutes! SO PERFECT.... I go around the corner to FINALLY fill her up! I pull into the gas station and was going to pull into this one spot and then for no reason at all decide to drive around and pull into a different spot! I had a selection! Thought nothing of it...proceed to get my card out and begin filling up! I am just standing outside the car watching the traffic waiting for it to finish!

A white truck pulls up on the other side of my pump..A guy gets out of the truck and I can't even see him...I can only hear him (that is how I know it's a guy) I hear..."Well that is so awesome I am so glad that you called! Hey let me hit you right back I am standing here at the pump and I need to get some gas in my truck before I head back" I then notice my gas is almost done. And that's when I hear this loud gasp.... AHHHHH MAN...NO WAY!!! It caught me off guard and I took a couple of steps over to see this man frantically checking his pockets, looking under his seat in his truck and all the while saying NOOOOOOO OH MY GOODNESS...TELL ME THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! He immediately calls someone on his cell phone and I hear..."BEVERLY...are you still at the office??? Can you do me a huge huge favor! I am standing here at the gas pump and I reached in my back pocket for my wallet and it's gone! Can you please go in my office...it's unlocked! GO in my office and PLEASE TELL ME THAT MY WALLET IS ON MY DESK OR ON MY CHAIR! It apparently took Beverly a few minutes to get to his office because I hear him just rambling and answering her questions...No I am in Mesquite and I still got to get back to Ft.Worth! I am sitting on "E" I just can't believe this! My gas is done...But of course, I can't not (yes that is a DOUBLE NEGATIVE) find out if he finds his wallet! LOL Now remember he can't see me at all! Nor would he see anybody because he was so intently trying to locate his wallet! I heard him say to Beverly on the phone....I even had my daughters birthday money in my wallet to give to her tonight! And then I hear...Oh THANK GOD! Thank you Beverly, just put it in my top drawer and close my office door and I will get it later tonight! THANK YOU THANK YOU!

So I immediately looked in my wallet...NO CASH! So I waited to hear him be done with his phone call and I peeped though the pump and showed him my card and said...NEED SOME GAS??? he immediately starts laughing and is soooooo obviously embarrassed! He says, ARE YOU SERIOUS?  WAS I THAT LOUD? OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! I said, well we all have a moment like this at some point...I know I have! He again says...ARE YOU SURE? OH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I said well I only have a card but let me get you going! You get what you need! I could tell how embarrassed he felt because he kept putting his hand to his forehead and shaking his head like he just couldn't believe this was happening! That some lady was having to pay for his gas because he had no money! I looked at him and said, Please let me do this for you...This is my pleasure to observe then serve! (Those were the actual words that were in my head...observe then serve) I'm grateful to have been right where I was and have the chance to help! He then looks at me and says THANK YOU SO MUCH...I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING THIS! I WILL ONLY GET $10 OK? I said get what you need...it's fine! Then he said...THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING I AM NOT TELLING A SOUL THAT THIS HAPPENED! I looked at the man and said, Why not??? THIS IS TOO EMBARRASSING! I said oh you should totally tell this story.... You never know who you might touch and inspire by sharing your story! This gives me a story to tell too! He looked at me and his whole demeanor changed...HE CALMED AND SAID, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT! THEN HE LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED WITH A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TONE AND SAID THANK YOU, HE EXTENDS HIS HAND AND SAYS I'M JAYLEN...I said, I'm Heather! HE SAID HEATHER...I WON'T LET YOU DOWN! I AM GONNA PAY IT FORWARD AND I'M GONNA TELL ALL MY EMPLOYEES ABOUT THIS AND WE ARE GONNA HAVE A PAY IT FORWARD DAY ONCE A MONTH FROM NOW ON! HEATHER... I WON'T FORGET YOU! THANK YOU! I looked at him and smiled and said, WOW! THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME HELP!

I drove off and he drove off! I felt SOOOO GREAT INSIDE! I almost forgot that I was supposed to pick up my daughter! I did get to her a few minutes late! All I could do was go back through my day and think of all the choices that I had made that day that put me at that gas pump at that exact moment! I thought about how I usually have cash and would have probably just handed him a $20 and been on my way! But because I didn't I had to use my card and wait for him to finish pumping my gas so I could get my receipt! Because of that we had time to have all of that dialogue! I think about who he was because I will never know more than that he lost his wallet and he is a boss and has some employees! I don't even know what he does or what he is like! All I know is that it must have been the right timing for him to be humbled and open to letting some stranger lady at the gas pump help him out! I could tell that he was very excited about sharing this story with his employees and setting up his PAY IT FORWARD days! I was touched by this experience and inspired by it! We don't realize who God is waiting to place in our paths each day! I may never know what comes of this for this man but I can tell his eyes were opened to a new idea! I am grateful for this whole situation! To think that I was guided to that pump at that moment suggests that my headache was even a part of the whole thing! I am humbled every time I witness tender mercies and daily miracles in such a simple thing as paying for someones gas!

Find JOY in paying it forward! Find JOY in taking opportunities to serve after you observe a situation! Find JOY in the few chances that you actually get to see that your actions and words can make a difference! Find JOY in your daily choices as you never know what miracle they might be leading you too! AND LASTLY, FIND JOY WAITING TO SEE WHO IS GOING TO BE SENT IN YOUR PATH.....Thank you, Mr. Jaylen! Chance meeting!

The "C" word!

It is amazing to me how we tune out the things that we fear! I have learned that you might not even realize that you are running from something! I am always learning and discovering new things by choice. However, sometimes I learn something that I didn't even realize I was learning until I've learned it! HAHAHAHA So profound! Yeah...go ahead and read that one again!

So my daughter, Hayley wears glasses/contacts and has needed to go back to the doctor because she was about 6 months overdue. Our insurance changed so I was delayed because I needed to find a new doctor and well actually I just procrastinated. Anyway, I finally called and scheduled her appointment and thought well since I am taking her I should go ahead and schedule Kolby too! He has always had 20/20 and does not even need glasses! However, I like to still have them checked just in case. Of course that voice in the back of my head ...you know like your subconscious and your conscious mind thing. So my conscious mind is telling me that I should schedule an appointment for myself and my subconscious is acting like it didn't even hear that! Anyway, subconscious wins! I didn't schedule myself!

Even that morning before the appointment Hayley asks me if I made myself an appointment! Of course, I responded Nah...not this time! I will do it another day!

So we get to the doctor and both kids go through their entire appointments and all of a sudden I start shaking my leg and feeling anxiety. Hayley notices and asks me what is wrong! I started tearing up! She is like Mom what the heck....Are you OK? It was then that I realized that I obviously wasn't OK! I looked at her and said I need to be seen! I have been dodging it for 3 years now! So I immediately ask the girl if they can work me in! She says, YES we can! SO I sit and wait!

So you are thinking whats the BIG deal! Well, this is why! About 3 years ago I had taken my kids to the doctor for a routine checkup! The Dr. randomly makes the comment that she is surprised at Hayley's prescription since her father and I both have 20/20 sight! I respond to that saying, Yep, I have always had great sight I just have this little thing on my eyelid but that has been there all my life! She says, Oh really! Can I take a look at it? Oh sure! She looks, then she has another Dr. come in and look! They leave the room and come back in and say...Mrs. Earl we think you might want to have another doctor look at this! What you have on your eyelid is a tumor! It really needs to be looked at by a specialist! I said OK...not really thinking much of anything because I know it had always been there with no problems! Well, the card she gave me and told me to call was an ocular oncologist!
Still wasn't alarmed! Obviously, I just needed to get it checked and be done with it! So I scheduled!

I am driving to this appointment and can remember the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and realized that I wasn't so relaxed about it anymore! What if it was something?

So the Dr. comes in and I realize that he is the oncology specialist! He looks at my eye with several different telescopes and lights! He is giving all of this medical verbiage to the nurse who is writing like crazy!

He then tells me Mrs. Earl... YOU'VE GOT CANCER! I only remember feeling numb! I was speechless! He says I know that is alot to take in and we will educate you of all of your options! But we need to schedule surgery ASAP! I then remember asking ARE YOU SURE? I am now sobbing and tingling from head to toe! I can't believe it! He tells me that he has been doing this for many years and he knows what he is looking at! He says this is BASAL CELL CARCINOMA!
All I could do is cry! I was alone in the room with the nurse and the Dr and I have just been told I have CANCER! I wish that on NO ONE! I was then left in the room alone for awhile! I will NEVER forget the next 15 minutes! I had some of the saddest thoughts I think I have ever experienced! It was LOSS from a whole new perspective! I knew what it felt like to lose my children but thinking about my children and my husband losing me was no fun! I had no idea what to expect as far as recovery...I guess because of my experience i have faced....all I could think about was dying! I had so many mixed emotions!  All I could do was cry!

Well then they schedule my surgery and seat me in this other room and I waited for another doctor! This doctor comes in and introduces himself as the plastic surgeon! My mouth drops as he explains what my OPTIONS are! OH MY GOODNESS! You are kidding me RIGHT! I had 3 options which all depended on what the tests showed after they remove the tumor from my eyelid and how far reaching the cancer had spread!

So this is what was explained to me as my BEST CASE SCENARIO...... They will cut out the tumor and the get all of the cancer! Which will require for them to cut underneath my eye (kinda like the cheek area) and pull up the skin covering my eye reaching up to my eyelid and leave it sewn shut for 6 MONTHS! Yes I said 6 months! This will ensure that the the blood vessels grow and allow for me to still have my sight! I would have no eyelashes and probably no eyebrow for the rest of my life! But he then starts talking about eyelash and eyebrow implants! Which would be on a deformed eyelid! It was just all too much! I asked him for a glass of water cause my mouth was dry as cotton balls! I told him I was not prepared to hear option 2 or 3! They left the room for a few minutes to give me some regrouping moments! Which was not even possible! How do you regroup from this??? So upon his return....option 2  no eyesight and option 3 no eye! Also option 2 and 3 still included option 1! Because of the twitching and blurriness that I had in that eye unfortunately he suspected that it was either option 2 or 3!

So I left that appointment in slow motion! The surgery was scheduled for 2 days later! I called Shay and explained to him and he was speechless! All I could do was cry! He was at work and attempted to meet me but I couldn't quit crying and could not even drive! He talked to me until I calmed down!

So it's the day of my surgery and one of my dearest friends, Susy drives me to my surgery! I can't even describe my feelings! I remember the pain I felt because Shay did not take off of work to take me (as he still apologizes for but I now understand that that was his way of dealing with it was to not be there) Well, they called me back and they get me all prepared and begin to numb my eye! Which that hurt BAD! I can still see the needle coming for my eye! All of a sudden, this doctor comes in that I had not seen before with the other doctor that explained all of my options! He proceeds to tell me that he feels strongly that they should do a biopsy first! Which meant just get a piece of the tumor from my eyelid and test it before they prepared for all of the other stuff! I said whatever you feel is best! So since my eyeball is completely still from the numbing shot they proceed to cut the tumor from my eyelid! Then I WAIT! He comes back in and says they have sent it off to the lab and they will call me! Well, I get my captain hook eye patch and I go home and WAIT SOME MORE! I finally get word that it was a BENIGN TUMOR! That I would need to have it checked every 6 months!

I fell to my knees with gratitude! This whole thing was quite a traumatic experience! Now back to my story at the eye doctor the other day! I realized that I had not been back to the doctor every 6 months like I was told and so I was so afraid to let the doctor look at me as I never wanted to go through that again! But how silly to think that just because I wasn't gonna be seen didn't mean one bit that it could never be cancer! Well, the doctor calls my name and I walk in and he says they were gonna get some extra pictures of my eye and eyelid! He looks through the microscope and tells me that everything looks normal! I WAS SO RELIEVED! I even asked him was he sure that the tumor on my eyelid looked OK and he reassured me that it did! ALL THESE YEARS I FEARED! And just like that...I'm told that everything looks fine! I can breathe now!

I still to this day have SO MUCH compassion for anyone that hears those words and especially the people that don't get to hear what I was blessed to hear and spared from having to endure! My heart goes out to all of the beautiful people that have had to carry the burden and go through the trial of CANCER!

This lesson made me think about what other things could I possibly be hiding from just because I didn't want to entertain the thoughts and not have to deal with something! I actually thought of something! I was so excited to realize that I have grown from this whole experience! I am always grateful to uncover weakness because that only means that it is now possible to turn it into a strength!

I really didn't have JOY from this whole experience until the end when I realized how grateful I was to not have to endure what could have been! That was a JOYFUL moment that I also will never forget! I have though found JOY in deepening my compassion and experiencing what it felt like to be told that you have CANCER!

Find JOY in learning lessons that come from the scariest situations!  Also find JOY in your experiences of life because you will be stronger from every single hard experience that you encounter!

Season's of life!

I really do love all the different seasons!

I CAN NEVER DECIDE WHICH ONE IS MY FAVORITE!

 I guess I actually just enjoy the best of what each season gives!

 SUMMER TIME....

I love the summer! Sunshine, water, music and swimming as much as you can!

Listening to music while layin out at the pool. Getting icee's. Hot sun and cold water....Man it's just hard to beat! Road trips with the kids! Stayin up watching movies and getting up to do it all over again!


 SPRING TIME....

 I love the spring! I love the gentle breeze. I love the birds singing. I love the cleaning with the windows open. I love sitting outside and reading a book. I love taking walks to the pond. I also love to sit outside and listen to Jim Brickman!

AUTUMN TIME...


I love the Fall....even though it doesn't last a very long time in Texas! The fall in Texas is similar weather to our springtime! However the colors of the leaves are different! I enjoy some of the same activities as Spring. Reading outside, taking walks, sitting outside just visiting with my husband or kids! It has become a cherished time because we just talk!

 

 

 

WINTER TIME...

 Actually, I love the winter too! Trips to Starbucks for hot chocolate and pay for the person in line behind us! The excitement on the kid's faces as we drive off is priceless! Of course, it is the beginning of the holiday season too! If we get a day or two of snow, we always make the best of it! We go to the movies and then drive around looking at lights and drinking hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music! Love ALL OF IT!

 

There are some other seasons too! THE SEASONS OF LIFE! I can't say that I have always enjoyed some of these seasons in my life! I'm in one of those seasons right now! Since my son, Shelby died on Halloween day and my daughter, Shealyn (I just love saying their names) died on Thanksgiving day; every year for about a couple of weeks in October a SEASON OF LIFE comes.

 

I used to not have a clue what was happening to me every year around this time! But of course with time you grow and learn. You also understand yourself as each year allows for more reflection and insight.

 

This is the time of year I lived many months with both of my kids (in different years, of course) and gained many many memories. It never fails at the beginning of the season when I walk into Walmart and the pumpkins are out it is an immediate tear flow. I have learned to control that a little better now! However, it hits me later and I just need a good cry! It is like a movie player is going off in my mind and the pumpkins and orange fall decorations is what triggers the memories and film clips in my mind. I used to be a basket case and found it hard to even be around people. As I was never sure what would trigger the tears. I could see a mom holding a child and picture me holding my babies. I could see a stroller and remember taking them to the zoo or pushing them in the hospital in the red wagon to and from treatments. I can feel the cooler weather come in and have very specific memories that don't come any other time of year. I might hear a song and just start balling. I can pass a Taco Bell and think of my brother that came without fail everyday to eat lunch with me downstairs in the hospital month after month. I can even remember that he ordered extra sour cream on his burritos. (Definitely a treasured memory) The memories go on and on! Wow...so many, many memories!

 

Unless you know me and understand what this time of year represents for me it is hard to be around me. Any other time of year people are used to seeing me  with a smile or laughing. But during this time of year for a couple of weeks I am more reserved! I used to think I was depressed. But what I have learned is that it is a normal cycle or season of life for me. I absolutely love the flow of memories. I love feeling connected to my sweet angel babies which also makes me feel exceptionally close to my Heavenly Father. I have grown to appreciate this season as I can reflect on beautiful memories and continue to learn from the great loss that i have experienced and continue to endure. I think of them all everyday but this time I actually get to go through the tiny details of their lives...even though that time was short...they are still very much...CHERISHED! I learn something new every year! I become stronger every year! I learn to appreciate my loss more every year! Even though one of the side effects of this time is that I feel lonely, I am still grateful for the season!

 

SHELBY RAY EARL ~ May 21, 1998 to October 31, 1998 

(in the black socks)

SHEALYN RENEE EARL ~ July 18, 1994 to November 24, 1994

(in the white socks)

 

I love you my precious angels! I am finding JOY in the SEASONS of LIFE!

Strive to find the BEST of what each season of your life may bring!

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

The PLAN!!!!

It has been awhile since I have written! Oh how I have missed the keys! So much in my heart and so much to say! Tonight I am overwhelmed in my thoughts!

Have you ever heard a song that spoke the words right out of your heart and mouth?
Well, the song "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks was the one for me!


"I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go; "

You see, Shay and I felt very impressed that we should move! We lived in the same house for 15 years! Same house, same community, same jobs, same everything for that entire time! We decided to act on our promptings and take a huge leap of faith to change everything! And we did! We had a packed house in 1 week and completely prepped house for sale in the next 2 weeks! With a ton of set backs along the way! We had picked out our house to build and signed the contract and now we just wait for the house to sell!!! Like the song said we had it all mapped out...knew just where we wanted to go! We were hopeful and faithful for a sale.  I retired from my job and was ready to take on a new chapter of life with an entire new beginning! I was ready and excited!


"But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road."

I had no idea how hard this move was going to be! I remember feeling like I was visiting when I went into the Walmart to shop! I was in a new ward at church after growing up around my old ward, the kids left everything they knew, all of Kolby's neighborhood friends that he had grown up with, and Hayley's best friend that lived right behind us! We felt like we were in a fog! The kids were struggling and  being stretched with the growing pains! And just when we felt like we were beginning to feel settled we were hit by an F3 tornado. We found ourselves living in a hotel for almost 5 months! Not exactly how I saw the plan!

"I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin', "

I am naturally an optimistic person, but as the days went on and I took on the pains of my family it got harder and harder! I searched for a way over, under, and around but it was so big I could not see past it! The financial burden alone was great! The daily trials that we encountered from livin in a public place were tremendous! We saw things we never should have seen! Even though I was making the best of everyday I was still experiencing anxiety and many teary nights!  I knew that the Lord never gives us more than we can bear and so I went forward each day...
"Brokenhearted and I started climbin"

"And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;"

Many fears popped up that I never had experienced before...I began to ask myself if we had heard right and questioned if we were ever supposed to move? I had doubts continue to flood my mind...What if our house never sells and we did all of this in vain. And much pain....we were a family of 4 with all very different personalities within 4 walls! Now, we are pretty close but this is a challenge for anyone! We were struggling!

"I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak"

I remember some specific thoughts that I had! I was originally praying that this situation would end and that we would be relieved of our burdens! But then I began to realize that I wasn't using that optimistic spirit that I was born with! Instead I had given into fear, doubt and getting down because of the pain! I finally realized what I was doing! And even my kids were repeating all of the normal things that I used to say to them! They used my own teachings and positive philosophies on me...Oh how I loved this! To see them  lift me up and help me see the good when I had been overcome by the burden I was asked to carry! It changed me! How quickly i was reminded that I could turn this whole situation into a memorable one and truly become better because of it!

"The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights; "

Through the tears and sleepless nights the grace that I began to feel was amazing when I changed my mindset! This was remarkable to me! The burden became a treasure! A unique time to really learn some valuable lessons! My faith grew! I was watching my children bond and doing more for one another. They helped each other taking the laundry to wash and would get creative with ways to entertain themselves! Working together on just about everything!  We were without meals to cook, no TV much less a DVR, internet connection was terrible, we basically were sitting on one another, we had to wash laundry on another floor and pay for it too, we had one bathroom with a teenage daughter, the list goes on and on of inconveniences and trials!

"used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground."


HOWEVER, it became some of my most treasured blessings! I remember the day that I felt we should turn around and move back into the house we were trying to sell! Two days later after that thought...IT SOLD! I saw that even though "MY PLAN" wasn't working that He has a design for us that sometimes we just have to sit back and watch Him work! I was totally PLAN-LESS I was walking by faith! I truly look back on those 5 months and cherish the memories! Its not often that you get a chance like that to be taken kind of away from the world and given a chance to focus on whats important without any distraction! We were in each others faces every day and some of the best memories and blessings came from living within those 4 walls!

"Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."
So, I am grateful that I learned to find joy when the plans didn't go the way we expected! I'm grateful to have been taken through the storm to learn that my trials were tender mercies in disguise!
I'm grateful to see this view and see the beautiful changes that came to my family only through the hardships! It's kinda of cool to be excited to cook dinner again for my family or do the laundry so often that it never stacks up or leavin the TV off to just talk or take walks! I'm thankful to have had this paradigm shift!

Find joy when the plan fails because it might just be His mercies in disguise!

I learned to find JOY in the BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK! Here is the Beautiful song! ENJOY!

The "Thin Skinned Kids"

I recently blogged about the day my son Shelby was born. His actual birthday is May 21st. I have had him on my mind alot lately as I always do more so around this time. He lived from May to October 31st and died on Halloween morning of that year! But there were so many stories in between that time!

Today, I was remembering the day that I took him home and what happened shortly after he was home! I knew that he had the same disease that I had already lost a child too! I knew the statistics! I knew the odds! But I also had such an optimistic outlook...I truly had faith and believed that Shelby could beat the odds! I believed that a miracle could happen! I lived every day, and made every medical decision with that in mind! I believed that if it be God's will...that he would survive!

I had the experience of my daughter to compare to and know what things I wanted to do differently! One of the crucial things for an EB child is the nutrition. So that they have the ability and energy to heal their skin! Because this disease is so rare...It was normal for any Dr's to not know how to care for these children! However, there is a National Registry in North Carolina for the Epidermolysis Bullousa disease that I had to reach out to. Through all of my study and research I felt it very necessary to put him through surgery to receive a Gastostomy tube (G-tube or tube that bypasses other organs straight to the stomach for enternal nutrition) I felt that if I could get a jump on it and keep him from "failing to thrive" that he could have the means to heal his body and be stronger to survive!

I remember the day of surgery, how hard that was to hand him over to the doctors not knowing if he would even make it through the surgery! Anything you do to children with this disease is extremely high risk. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed some more when they wheeled his tiny little body away on the bed! Those were the moments that were always the hardest! He was gone much longer than they expected because everything that any medical person learned was out the window with EB. The nickname for these kids is... "The Thin-Skinned Kids." You can't put anything on their skin and you have to try and be as evasive as possible as everything you do will create a blister and probably be a sore for life! They called during surgery to talk to me! Man, that made me sick to my stomach! They said, "your son is still alive but he seriously needs to have a tracheotomy while we are doing the gastrostomy" I of course said to do whatever was needed but I knew this meant more unhealed skin which causes major risk all by itself! Had they not done the tracheotomy he would have died from sloughing skin blockage in his airway. He survived the surgery!

If you can imagine even taking a cotton ball and rubbing their skin it will create a blister! The reason the type of disease that my children had was fatal was because the inside layer of skin had a defect or missing gene..so their whole insides and normal organ functioning creates blisters (actually open raw skin) So breathing in the lungs, swallowing, crying, blinking, urinating, anything that causes movement internally was destroying the skin inside their body! On the outside was the same, however due to large sores all over caused from normal living they look like they have been burned. A normal dressing change took me hours. Upon completion of the dressing change it wasnt long before I had to start all over again as to keep the risk of infection down it had to be done at least three times a day and hour each time! Each time was excruciating pain for him to go through. Sometimes I had tears streaming down my face as I performed the dressing changes.  I had to do what I was doing but it hurt him so much! I often thought if I could just take on his pain! To watch your child suffer and not be able to do anything to take it away or make it better is one of the HARDEST experiences ever in this life!

I continued to faithfully take care of him round the clock daily with hardly any sleep for the 5 1/2 months that he lived! I learned that it was NOT God's will for him to live here on this earth with us as he peacefully left this earth. I learned to be grateful that he didn't have to suffer anymore.  As much pain as he lived with it was a  blessing to know that he could live with our Savior and not have to hurt one more day! I have learned so much from losing him and continue to learn from all of the experiences that I remember at different times in my life! It is not something you would ever choose to go through but the years of lessons that I have learned are unique and special to me! It has taken me many years later to be able to write about all of these experiences. My comfort and peace comes from my knowledge of eternal families and that I will see him again!

I am finding joy in the recall of my memories and in the continual lessons of life.

The Bully!

Today I had a great day with my kids at the zoo! You wonder why this is something to blog about? Well, it's because my son should have been in school but since he was suspended for 3 days I had the day to whatever we wanted to do! So your next question might be well if he is suspended why on earth would I have taken him to do somethin fun!!!

Being displaced from the tornado was not the hardest part! Living in this hotel with other families (well one particular family) has been the hardest part! There is another kid that comes from a large family and doesn't seem to get the attention that he needs or at least that is my opinion! These children have two parents that are hardly attentive to anything that they do! It had been a huge frustration for many other families that have to live here with them.

It is not uncommon to hear running down the hall, ice fights in the eating area, calling our room and hanging up, knocking on our door and running to hide, taking things from the office room, workout room, food area and even the pool area! They have broken hotel property and well basically become a thorn in everyones side! I can no longer go to workout without getting the equipment I need. I can no longer print in the business office because they printed SO MUCH that the hotel hasn't replaced the cartridge due to high usage. My kids can no longer go to use the computer room without me because they now have to be 17 years or older! Needless to say because of this one family...everything has been changed for normal living for others!

But even that is not the worst part! They have one child who I guess will remain nameless...But, he has caused more grief for me than I can hardly stand! And when I say this if you know me it takes AN AWFUL LOT OF SOMETHING to get me to this point! I am so frustrated with this kid! I guess actually I am ANGRY at the thought of him! I am at a rock and a hard place! This kid has been bullying Kolby for the entire time that we have been living here! This kid is so manipulative and knows exactly how to lie or play the victim! I actually have witnessed it with interaction with his parents!

He has figured out that Kolby wont strike back because Kolby knows he will get in trouble! Kolby is one of those kids that wont strike until he is pushed too! But he is the one that gets caught because he is the last one doing something! Because of his impulsiveness and ADHD he gets blamed for alot of things that others took part in! He is the honest one that will always tell you exactly what he does. So he is a target for any situation when all the other kids lie to stay out of trouble!  So this kid has kicked Kolby on the bus, knocked a cup of seeds out of Kolby's hand and spilled all over the bus, calls him names, and much more! The one time Kolby kicked back the kid told on Kolby and because there was no other witness...it looked bad on Kolby!

Well, this kid goes to school and completely manipulates and tells the school that Kolby is doing stuff to him on the bus! I would have never known that he told the school this if it were not for this kids father coming and finding me in the hotel and putting his finger in my face and telling me that I better watch my kid and leave his kid alone! (This was actually on the day I had my Scentsy meeting so I had many witnesses) I was like..."Are you kidding me? It's the other way around...because I have witnessed it! I myself have told this kid to leave Kolby alone in the act!

So after this father gets all in my face, Shay had a chance meeting with him and tells him that if he has a problem in the future that he better come looking for him and to not ever put his finger in his wife's face again! Well that didn't go so well because the father denied what he did to me! So, there is no way to put this other than the rest of the conversation didn't go so well! And ended up with me calling the police to make a report on the mother of this child swinging at Shay! Yes, SHE HIT HIM! Well, if you know Shay, he is the opposite of me and doesn't exactly handle "turning the other cheek" so well! However, with a little encouragement from me...HE DID! As we waited for the elevator they were callin us names and totally ticked Shay off! We then went to the room and told Kolby...whatever you do...DON'T LOOK AT THAT KID...DON'T TALK TO HIM...DON'T BE ANYWHERE AROUND HIM! So I thought that everyone would mind their own business and this kid knew that he better leave Kolby alone at this point! So, a couple of weeks pass!

That brings us to now....Kolby is in the bathroom at school and this kid walks in...Kolby immediately tells him, we cant be in here together! The kid says..."BUTTFACE" and tries to kick Kolby while he is going to the restroom! Well, Kolby snaps at this point and pushes the kid up against the wall! That is the part where two boys come in and are considered the "witnesses" which never saw the beginning point! They all go to the office and guess what??? Yep...Kolby gets suspended and the other "BULLY" kid goes back to class! When I received this call I was just beside myself! I can't remember the last time I was this angry! Especially when she told me that they were going to have to fill out a bullying report on Kolby! I told them I would be there shortly to pick him up! I actually shocked myself because at this point I felt like I had so much to say to this kid! SO of course, knowing that this is not the right way to be...I said a prayer before I went into the school! It actually just took the edge off! I was still VERY UPSET! I went in and insisted to speak to the principle! I told him that I have always listened to what the school authorities have told me and taken action when I needed to with my child but this time...THEY WERE WRONG! I told them if they filled out a bullying report on Kolby that I was going to have so much to say and I would have to find out what our rights were! I still don't exactly know! But one thing is for sure I won't sit back and not speak up! It is just not right! Especially when you watch this kid get off the bus the very same day laughing about what happened until he saw me and then looked down at the floor! He knew he was wrong!

Shay told me he wants Kolby to just beat him up so this kid will quit picking on him! (That is how Shay was raised) And of course, I have said not to and Kolby said he knows if he does that that he will be the one to get in trouble! It is such a frustrating thing when you do all the right things and the system doesn't work in your behalf! I know I am just being tested and we will do the right thing! But I tell you, I am so ready to be done with this school year and on with the rest of my life! Even with all of my frustration with the whole thing...I sat Kolby down and talked with him about being the bigger person and how to handle this the civilized way! If we keep doing the right thing that the Lord will bless us and we will be on our way with blessings coming our way! I told him that I was angry too and have every right to be but this is when we have to do the right thing and this is when doing the right thing really matters! SO WE WILL!

Life is never fair and you will be tested over and over and over again! The winner is the one that in the face of trial can rise above it and make good choices! I know it seems impossible to find joy in all things but the real Joy in this situation comes from not giving in to your anger and unfair situations! I will conquer this....I will! I know that my joy will come from handling this in the right manner! In the meantime....Kolby and I will have fun until he goes back to school next week!

My angel boy...S H E L B Y R A Y

Have you ever been going along in your day and all of a sudden just get emotional out of the blue and don't even know why? Until you have some time to reflect and figure out what it is from! This is something that happens to me and it doesn't take long to realize where my thoughts and memories come from!

It happened the other day and I was reminded that May is my sweet Shelby's birthday! The person I was with asked me why the tears...I said "Oh just realized that my son's birthday is in a few days." They said,"that should make you smile" I said,"Well of course I smile that I had the chance to know him and call him my son but his birth also represents that I lost him and for a few days I may feel the human feelings and it's ok to feel them!

Many people have expressed the opinion that one should be over it, or that so much time should have healed you, or that you should not express the sadness from it! I am here to say that it is the healthiest thing I have learned through the process is to EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS! I am not ashamed to feel the loss and even shed tears whenever you need to! I have learned that it doesn't mean that you are depressed or that you can't function...It truly becomes a reflection time that I have learned to treasure. Being an extrovert normally, this time usually makes me a little more introverted and allows more reflective time for the memories that I want to have.

On May 21st, my 3rd child (first son) was born! Shelby Ray Earl! I love to say his name! I remember back when he was born.... I was so excited to see what a boy would look like. I remember calling my mom and telling her I needed to go to the hospital. She knowing it was my 3rd child asked no questions and came to pick me up since Shay was not home at the time! Upon arrival to the hospital I received my normal response that it didn't "look like" I was in labor. I proceeded to tell them that even though I am laughing and smiling...I promise I am in labor! So they admit me and call my doctor! And like I said...I was in labor! I always tease and say my pain and suffering came later from my loss but not during labor or delivery. When I am in labor I am always giggly and cant quit laughing!  Not your normal reactions...so they never believe me! But of course their believing me does not stop the facts of the machine proving that I am in labor! So a few short hours later...I have a baby boy!

I was SOOO EXCITED to see what my son would look like...Of course, we immediately scan him over for any blisters as that would identify whether or not he had the  same skin disease that I had previously lost my daughter to. I didn't initially see anything! But then they put him on my stomach with his back to me and I was about to roll him over to see his BEAUTIFUL face and all of a sudden his little hand fell over in my face and there it was....A BLISTER on his middle finger! If you didn't know what you were looking for it could have been easily missed! I saw it...I knew it...And in that moment when you should feel the Joy of a new child my mind immediately started thinking of a funeral! I cried and cried knowing what this meant! I wiped my tears and decided in an instant that I was going to enjoy and cherish every moment from that point on!

I told them what he had and they took him away for what I thought was to clean him up! When they brought him back they brought him in an incubator and told me I could not hold him or touch him! I was a different mom this time around! I had learned so much from the experience of having my daughter, Shealyn 4 years previous. I had taken a real life crash course on Epidermolysis Bullousa Junctional Recessive disease and I was going to be his ADVOCATE! I told them to take him out of the incubator... that was not what he needed and that I could hold him. I told them at that point that they couldn't hold him! They argued, but a mother that has already experienced this and lost a child from the same disease didn't need to be told what to do when I was the one telling them what he had! I insisted to see the attending physician and plead my case of what the instructions would be from then on! After awhile....THEY LISTENED! The journey then began of following a mothers instincts. Even though I lived most of his life in the ICU at Children's Medical Center after that...I did cherish all the time that I had with him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SHELBY! Until we meet again! I love you!

I find great joy in the memories that i cherish so dearly!

Shelby is the sweet baby next to Shay and Kolby! This family picture was drawn with all pencil and they added Shealyn and Shelby(without his bobo's) so that I had a picture with all of my babies!

In HINDSIGHT...

I always have so much on my mind but many times can't seem to find what I want to write about! Tonight I was in the mood to write and have started several times and erased....write and erase!
I really feel impressed to share the many blessings that I have come to realize since the tornado!

That wonderful thing called HINDSIGHT! It really is an incredible thing if you think about it! Have you ever thought how many things you realize later when at first you don't see at all? Well, I have had many things come to my realization since the devastation and very scary experience of the tornado that came so close to taking so much! When in reality it brought so much!

We have talked and talked and shared the stories over and over and each time we share I realize more and more just how AWESOME the whole experience is! I have witnessed many miracles! I have totally seen the Lord's hand in our life through this whole experience!

I remember my husband telling me that since we were living in the hotel that it would be smarter and more economic to move back to our house that had not sold yet! We actually thought maybe this was why our house had not sold so that we had a place to go! I fought it and fought it but then decided it was the most economical thing to do! I told him on a Saturday (2 weeks after the tornado hit) that I guess he was right! We were going to take action starting on Monday to prepare for that and on Monday morning I received a call from my realtor that the lender came through for our buyer and that the house would close on 2 days! WOW! OUR HOUSE SOLD! What a confirmation that we were meant to be right where we are! Now we have started the steps to buiding our house which was the whole reason we moved to Forney in the first place!

I lost my car in the tornado...it was totalled! It felt really sad to feel like your car has been taken away and that things would not be the same! I do miss my car..however realizing how blessed we were that we still had Shay's car to use! You see, the day of the tornado Shay had come home just before the tornado and then realized that one of Kolby's friends was home alone and left to get him! What a blessing that was in hindsight because his car had been spared! It is what I drive now! He rides his motorcycle for now and I use his car! If he had been home his car would have been destroyed too! What a blessing!

I think of all of the things that have been inconvenient....having to get to completely dressed to take the dog out in the mornings or anytime. Spending a whole day doing laundry and sitting in the laundry room watching your clothes. Eating out almost every meal. A family of 4 living within 4 walls. Having no privacy. ONE BATHROOM. and much, much more!

You see, I have learned to appreciate life at a deeper level! The little things that felt annoying have taught me so much! I have learned to appreciate taking the dog out and have actually had some of the best conversations with my daughter when we are just walking around the hotel walking our sweet little "Choppa!"

I have learned to appreciate slowing down! Laundry day has become another place to chit chat with my kids or read!

Eating out has made me realize that I should have been cooking more when I had the opportunity to do so! We are so tired of eating out! We had gotten into bad habits of eating out to much but now that we don't have the chance to even make a home cooked meal if we wanted to ....WE CAN'T.... it has gotten OLD so FAST! I have also realized that I need to be exercising and have recently changed some of my not so healthy habits! I am grateful for this new outlook that pushed me right into the gym! I also cant wait to have the opportunity to prepare meals for my family and have family dinner again around the table together!

I have watched my kids have to sacrifice so many things and have actually been very proud of their outlook! It has forced them to spend every moment together sleeping very close to each other, sharing the same TV, sharing the same space, taking turns with the "comfy" spot, taking turns with many things! Well, I am thankful for the wonderful lessons that they have had as I have watched them get closer and spend more time being friends!

We have recognized more clearly what is important, we have become even closer, we have learned alot about sacrifice, we have learned that you really don't need much to be happy, we have learned more clearly how to truly find JOY in our JOURNEY!

We have been strengthened in our faith and TRULY the tornado has given us SO MUCH MORE than it ever took away!

Find Joy in the Journey in all that you face because the time will come that you realize in HINDSIGHT how beautiful the experiences truly are!