My sweet son Shelby that was sent to me on a beautiful day in May. I knew quickly after birth he was born with the same genetic disease that his sister (my 1st child) had previously lost her life to. I remember immediately I had many internal choices to make. I was 23 years old and had already been down this road losing my precious Shealyn as a young 19 year old girl. I remember looking into Shelby's eyes and committing to him that I would be all that he needed me to be. I remember feeling Heavenly Father's spirit come over me to let me know that He trusted me with another one of His precious angels. I remember not wanting to lose him because I loved him so much. I remember imagining Shelby in a casket as I knew this was a possibility. I remember how hard it was to lose Shealyn and questioned if I had what it took to endure this again. I remember pleading with my Heavenly Father for a miracle. The pain was great knowing that to give birth to him meant to give him back! Too many emotions! It's amazing to me that I can actually picture myself sitting there after just delivering my precious son looking at him with every imaginable emotion possible! Joy, sorrow, happiness, pain, tears, laughter (cause he was so beautiful and I always wondered what a boy would look like), confused, overwhelmed......and then it happened! The most peaceful feeling came over me! A feeling that I shall never forget! And then the thoughts that I needed to put all of my worries aside and cherish everyday that I had with my son. I have never been the same since! I can't really describe in words what an experience like that does to your heart and spirit. I remember giving him ALL that I had. I cared for him to the best of my ability. I protected him as best I could. I watched him suffer and live everyday of his life in excruciating pain! That is why it is hard to this day to complain about anything because I always have his sweet face in my constant memory and also of my daughter. I understood what it meant to want to sacrifice myself if it meant for them to be healed or pain free. I lived my days praying for a miracle. The beauty of all that is that I truly had faith that he could be healed. But I learned the most valuable lesson ever one night after I had brought him home on hospice. Still believing that God could heal him. I learned that I trusted Him and that I needed to have faith in losing Shelby as well. Let me explain...If I truly trusted my Heavenly Father's will. That meant that whether Shelby lived and was spared or if he died that I would trust that the Lord knew what was best and that there was a plan of happiness for us. I will never forget that moment either. It was then that I spoke the words to Shelby and whispered in his ear..."Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. But If you need to go and that is what is meant to be then I will never forget you or the lessons that your life taught me. I will miss you in a way I can't describe. But I have faith to be healed! I then kissed his cheek...and my loving brother, Chris gave him a blessing and it was a very cherished and precious moment. Shelby died the next morning.
I learned that true faith was living as if you knew a miracle could occur at any moment but trusting that if it didn't that you could be whole again and be healed from the pain. I know that He was mindful of me and that my broken mothers heart could be healed by faith.
Today, releasing the website (life coach) of this next step in my life was very healing to my heart. It represented all the many trials that I have overcome and now is my time to give back in a way that I have always desired! You can live your lives with great JOY even when you have experienced the greatest pain and loss.
Heavenly Father can make you whole again. No matter what you face...allow yourself time to feel the pain but at the same time trust the Lord that you will gain the greatest reward from growing from your trials and becoming all that you can be from them! My trials have taken me to this place and it is a sweet and precious place to know that you have a purpose. To know that your experiences are for you to become all that you were meant to become!
To some this may be a boring blog, to others it may be just what they needed to hear. But, I want you to know that if my words happen to find your eyes and your heart...then God has a message for you....He wants you to know that you are meant to believe, endure and become all that you were born to be. Step into your greatness and trust the Lord with all of your heart! You are not alone and He is ever mindful of you! Sometimes the journey is a very long one And sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the time will come for a new day! So keep going forward with faith!
I'm grateful for these precious children that I was blessed to be their mommy! I'm grateful for the lifelong lessons and hope that your life can be blessed by them without having to experience the pain.
Shelby is the one in the black socks and Shealyn with the curl in the center of her forehead and white socks! Until we meet again! Cherish your children!
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