A Boring Blog....

Who Cares? Nobody wants to read your blog? You don't get very many comments when you write... So obviously it doesn't matter if you write or not! YOUR BLOG IS BORING! People will think your idea is dumb!  UGH...Go away stupid thoughts...I AM WRITING ANYWAY!

Thank goodness I am not like this 24/7...it is hard on me to be this way! I'd rather stay in my "LIVING ON THE BRIGHT-SIDE" world! hahahaha But, thank goodness it  only lasts one month a year and at least its not everyday!

On top of the racing thoughts I emotionally eat! My mind tells me that  no one likes me and during this one month I actually care if that is true! The one thing that is awesome about me experiencing all of this is because I know people that feel this way all the time and it gives me compassion to understand people and feel what it feels like! I suffer from PTSD! I have chosen to let myself feel it all and have never taken medicine even though it has been recommended many times by a healthcare professional! I believe in feeling it and reach to a higher source to overcome! I pray to my Heavenly Father above for daily relief and I am always blessed! Then September ends and it all goes away and I slip back into Heather again until next September! It always hits early!

YEP...THIS ....IS ....ME..TONIGHT.....RAW!

This time of year can be so challenging for me! My thoughts can be irrational, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment, I appear like I am spaced out due to memories floating on auto pilot 24/7! Really absent-minded (well that is actually all year round hehehe) I'm super sensitive, and my thoughts consume me!  It's so hard to be around people because it sooooo obvious that I am not my normal self!

Grief is hard and it really never ends. It comes every year like clock work. I was hoping that it passed quickly this year but it sneaks up when I least expect it! It isn't convenient and it puts me in a funk!

Loss creates a feeling of emptiness which creates lonliness which creates insecurity and other feelings!

I try to keep myself busy this time of year as to not get to caught up in my thoughts! I believe that Satan knows that I am weak, vulnerable and sensitive so he does all in his power to fill my head with lies! The raw truth is sometimes I believe them! I know the pattern that hits me every year so you would think that I had it all figured out by now and could resist this phase! But for so many years I felt embarrassed to admit what I faced every year! Then one day it hit me! Why am I taking criticism from someone who has never lost a child?

I remember asking my grandma before she died if she ever healed from losing her son and her response validated me! She told me that not a day went by that she didn't think about her son. Some days if she let her memories go too far she could have a tear running down her face out of nowhere!

It is such a physical thing...my body with all of it's amazing senses records the past and triggers my mind to go into a frenzy... so the smells, temperatures and visuals can spark a nerve at any moment!

THE ABOVE IS MY REALITY....BUT I AM A FIGHTER...I AM STRONG...I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING...I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.......

So last year I decided that I was going to GIVE BACK and do something different than just getting through the month!  I decided that I was going to take all this painful energy that comes every year and turn it around for good!

Then the negative thoughts came again... You tried to do something before and you got very little response or feedback so you know its going to fail....BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO HIS LIES!

SO I AM GOING FOR IT! I AM CHOOSING VICTORY! I AM BIGGER THAN MY TRIALS!

Both my kids died on a holiday (Thanksgiving and Halloween)  Shelby died on Halloween day  and I was not in the mood to go out and do the typical festivities! So Hayley and I began a routine of staying home in our pajamas/sweats and handing out candy to all of the cute kids that came to the door! We love it and still do it to this day! Kolby came along and loves Halloween...so he gets to go off with his friends while Hayley and I continue our tradition!

So here is what I decided to do! (And I am sooooo very excited that my dear friend Amylia Coover has joined me in my efforts for this cause).... WE HAVE STARTED A NON-PROFIT BENEFIT CALLED "PAJAMA PAGES" I will be collecting pajamas and books for the kids at Children's Medical Center in Dallas...(where both my babies lived during their lives) Since the kids in the hospital can't go out and take part in the typical festivities of Halloween....I will deliver the pajamas and books on HALLOWEEN DAY! I will also be collecting any monetary donations to purchase the little red wagons that the kids are transported in around the hospital! They are $250 each!

I can't wait to begin this project in memory of my precious angel babies...SHEALYN RENEE' AND SHELBY RAY

I will be writing more tomorrow about pajama pages and where to send donations! I am really excited to launch this! I know that I don't have tons of time to collect this year but you have to start somewhere before anything can become something!

I am finding JOY in my sorrows and doing something to replace the holes and emptiness that this season brings for me! I am choosing to be bigger than my circumstances! I will nip this PTSD out once and for all!

And if I don't get any comments...I will continue writing anyway! This too shall pass...It does every year! Thanks to my daughter Hayley for teaching me how valuable vulnerability is and how empowering it is to just be RAW!

THANKS FOR READING MY BORING BLOG! If you are new to my blog and wondering about my angels you can look through past blogs to read my story!

I looked UP!

The most favorite time of the year is here for so many! The weather has finally changed. It feels so different on my skin than the sun does. I actually love this season too. But as it approaches...So does many memories, emotions and feelings.

The triggers are everywhere! The smells, the weather, the breeze, the pumpkins in every store. Everywhere I turn something triggers memories to flood through my mind. It hits me out of the blue when I least expect it. Through the years I have tried so many things to get through it or overcome it. The truth is that it comes no matter what! Its a part of my life and so this season is never the same for me.

It was never an easy trial to endure losing two of my children. (which with loss you kinda are never done enduring) Each year during this season I am reminded of all that I have become through it all. However, when I least expect my eyes might start leaking!

So the other day I woke up and could tell that that day had hit. My eyes wouldn't stop leaking. Nothing I could do stopped it! Its actually not easy for me to endure this phase because I am not my normal self. Its causes me to be the opposite of everything I normally am! I become pretty reserved and don't really enjoy being around a lot of people! I could be completely normal and all of a sudden a thought will cross my mind and the tears flow. (Yeah, like I said...hard to be around others) People look at me like I am crazy.

Anyway, that morning I had to get out and take Kolby to school and I couldn't hold back the tears. Its like my body has a memory and when the fall hits it just reacts to all that is stored, like clockwork.

I was actually praying for this phase to pass quickly! Yes, of course I am grateful for the flow of  memories and a time to reflect on my sweet babies Shealyn and Shelby.  However, on the emotional side...."Aint not body got time for dat!"


I was on the way back from taking Kolby to school and I was in a school zone with a cop clocking his radar. So like anyone would do, I was watching  the speedometer to make sure I didn't go over 20 mph. I continued through the school zone without a problem. My mind was totally somewhere else thinking of what life would have been like if my cute babies were still alive and a part of our family.  I actually longed for them as this time of year kinda does that to me! I just kinda cried a little more when all of a sudden I happened to LOOK UP!

This is what I saw! Oh WOW! All of a sudden the lyrics to Somewhere Over the Rainbow came across my mind. (which was a song I used to sing to Shealyn.) So I can hardly hear it without some special feelings consuming me and maybe a few tears.  I couldn't help but have a heart full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that moment. I felt so close to my babies for just a moment. For a moment I had a glimpse of that beautiful day when I get to be with them again. For just a moment I felt like I was with them! It was an answer to my prayer! FOR JUST A MOMENT I DIDN'T WANT TIME TO MOVE! It was special!

I always thought that I could control the emotions that this season brings.  But the triggers have a way of taking charge. So, like every year,  I was desiring that the season didn't get me down and that I didn't slip into old bad patterns of grief, like previous years. And with just one look upward... Everything changed!

I drove home and went to my bedroom and knelt down to thank my Heavenly Father for precious moments that were sent to me when all of a sudden my phone started to ring....It was my sweet husband! I hear..."Heather do you think its possible for you to go outside and maybe see what I am seeing?" I immediately knew what he was talking about and he was many miles away. He said, "You gotta see it...It's beautiful, you will love it" He told me it was the most beautiful complete rainbow he had ever seen! He was seeing it start to finish and there was not one but two. He said, it made him think of both our babies!

On this regular weekday morning we both had been blessed!

And of course, I balled! I know that these precious moments are tender mercies straight from The Lord. Oh how my heart was filled with JOY! Oh how happy I am that I looked up!

 I can't help but think of the analogies of choosing to look up! HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR MY LITTLE ANGELS! Oh how happy it makes me feel to know that one day we will be reunited!

My human heart was filled with hope, love and the sweetest visions of "someday"

Find JOY in the hard days and LOOK UP...for that is where we will find healing!

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?

Love you, Shealyn Renee' and Shelby Ray



Please excuse the noise!

Today I went to my scheduled massage appointment. I walked in and checked in like normal. As I sat down and waited for my name to be called. I quickly noticed  a couple upset clients at the counter. One lady was talking so loud it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt so bad for the girl behind the counter. She was so angry and I wasn't sure why! I noticed on the counter a small sign that read... Please excuse the noise. I didn't hear any noise... So I was clueless what was going on! Then I heard her say, "That was the worst experience I have ever had and I want my money back" The associate was trying so hard to validate her and calm her down but nothing worked. (I don't know about you but I always say a little prayer in those situations)

My name was then called and I went back for my massage. As I walked to the room, the therapist said, "I apologize ahead of time for the noise...There is construction going on next door and it is not your typical massage experience...So I am telling you now in case you would like to reschedule"

I was thinking, how bad could it be?? Well, it actually was minimal for a moment so I figured since I am already here...lets just go for it! So I get all prepared and the therapist comes in and begins the massage. All of a sudden I hear a jackhammer and about 20 different people hammering at different times and saws and metal and banging... almost enough noise to make it comical! The therapist said, the offer is still on the table if you would like to reschedule. I thought for a moment and decided I would just go for it! I just said turn the music up as loud as it goes.

The massage begins and the noise only got louder and more consistent. I could hardly relax and it truly was rather annoying!  So then I thought to myself what if I focus my attention on the music and the massage and try to  tune out the construction noise. I tried and I immediately hear a jackhammer begin...I try again and I hear banging  louder than at first! But I had already made a decision to stay so I just dealt with it.

I laid there and continued to focus on the music and the coolest thing happened... When I let go and chose to relax anyway (no matter how noisy it was) and chose to tune into the music instead of the construction noise the hammering noise phased out and the music seemed louder. I focused on the massage and enjoyed every minute of it! I realized that I actually was enjoying the massage more than normal.

I couldn't help but think about the world we live in and how there is so much noise. So many things that are pounding and banging for our attention. So many things going on and we cant seem to feel the peace and quiet that we desire. We want all the bad to go away and don't want to have to endure the hard.

But actually what I realized was that I couldn't make the noise go away. I could either check out or endure it. Since I chose to endure it... I learned a valuable lesson! Isn't that how life is too! Even though we have to endure hard things we always learn valuable lessons that make us stronger than we were before.

Every single day we hear of more and more "noise" that we can't make go away. But we have a choice to check out or endure it and make the best of it! With the construction noise full blast today I learned that focusing my mind and attention on the better part (which today was the massage and the music) that the bad part just kinda crept away. Still there... but  did not affect me! In fact, it was one of the best massages I have had.

And now the best part... I walk out to the counter, and the same girl that was getting chewed out by the upset lady before I went in asked me how my massage went. I told her that it was wonderful! She looked at me with a crazy face...she was not expecting that response at all. She smiles and says you are the first person to say that! I said well it was a bit noisy but I just focused on the music and it was wonderful! The manager was right there and comes over and does something on the computer. She says mam..he just gave you a free massage!

Another reminder that the reward is after you endure!

Find JOY amongst the noise and
seek the GOOD no matter what!

I have TWINS!!!

Eight years ago when Hayley was in the 4th grade. I picked her up from school and on the way home she was telling me about a boy in her class that was really funny. She began to talk about him and said she feels bad for him a lot. I proceeded to ask her why. She told me that he always gets in trouble and he doesn't even do anything! She said it reminds her of her brother Kolby who would often get in trouble and everything was always blamed on him! I listened to her and told her that was sweet of her to be nice to him despite how other people treated him.

Hayley continued to come home talking about this boy. I didn't even know his name. So after a week of hearing her talk about him I felt like maybe there was something we could do to help him and maybe ease Hayley's heart!

One of our traditions every single Friday was to go to Braums for ice cream. Hayley and Kolby always looked forward to this and they knew having a great week at school earned the Braums trip. So I told Hayley to tell the little boy at school that if he could do good for a whole week and not get his name on the board that I would talk to his parents and see if he could come with us for ice cream.

Hayley was so excited to go back to school to tell him! She came home that day and reported that he was soooo excited and was gonna be good. Well, it was a success! He didn't get in trouble!!! Friday came and as I walked up to the school Hayley , Kolby and two boys run up to me. The boy from Hayley's class is smiling from ear to ear and he says, "HI, I'm LaMorie and this is my twin brother Morie." I respond, "Oh!!! Well, did you do good this week?" He said, "YES" So I told him well then you get to come too!

And it all started from that day! Everyday after that Morie and LaMorie came over to our house after school. They played and ate dinner and even began to bathe and get homework done at our house. Shay would load up their bikes in the back of his truck and take them home every night. For the rest of the year that was what we did.

The coolest thing was they had the same exact birthday as Hayley...September 22! So we celebrated three birthdays on that day!

Then one day their dad came to our doorstep and said that they were moving and where he was going the boys could not go. He asked if they could stay with us for a week or so and then when he was settled that he would come get them. THREE YEARS LATER...... The twins were still apart of our family and living with us!

I had been their legal guardian (they called me mom)  for three years while they lived with us and we were going to adopt them. Then out of the blue their mom was trying to get them back. She succeeded and they have lived around with her for the last several years.

We still got to have them on Christmas, Thanksgiving and in the summer through the years!

There is quite a bit that I am leaving out just for the sake of other peoples privacy...But the bottom line is they are my boys and we have loved them like our own since they were in 4th grade! I'll never forget that Friday and their smiles...We love them and always have!

They are now almost 19 and they still call me mom and Kolby and Hayley call them their brothers.
Sometimes you don't have to be blood to be family!

LOVE MY BOYS!

Find JOY in loving others! You never know who is meant to be in your life!

The Remote Control

I was walking through the living room this morning and noticed the remote control sitting on the side table with the back piece off and no batteries inside! This immediately told me..."Kolby needed batteries for his xbox remote and took them out of TV remote! Huge pet-peeve for Shay.

Since Kolby was gone early for basketball and not available for questioning,  I just proceeded to go get the batteries and install them into the remote.

I inserted the battery and couldn't help but notice the + and the - like I always do. Of course you have to insert the battery with the positive facing a specific way or it wont work. Or do you have to face the negative facing a certain way for it to work. How do each of us see this? Of course for me that led to what an optimist or a pessimist would think. The truth is that neither is right or wrong!

If you turn the battery with the positive facing the way you believe its supposed to go then you haven't eliminated the negative. All I have done is focus on the positive. In fact, you wouldn't want to eliminate the negative anyway because it is the interaction between the two that create the flow of energy.

We look at batteries all of the time. But this time the "positive" and the "negative" signs  on the battery spoke a different message to me.

All of a sudden I started thinking about positive and negative thoughts. I started thinking of the negative thoughts that enter my mind any given day. It took me back to a time in my life that negative thoughts consumed me after some hard trials that I had faced. I remember wondering where they came from and why they were there. How do the negative thoughts just pop up out of nowhere and cause conflict to my day. And I am a pretty positive person but this does not mean that I don't have to fight off negative thoughts.

I remember thinking years ago that I was ready to conquer these negative thoughts once and for all.  And I quickly learned that it seemed I was a failure at this attempt. The more I tried to remove the thoughts the more they entered my mind. I quickly learned  that what you resist persists.

The more I focused on trying to get rid of negative I realized that I was giving energy to the negative.  By giving all my energy to pushing away negative things I was pulling my energy away from the positive that mattered most to me.

This is when I learned how imperative and important mindset was. Really my introduction to learning about optimists, pessimists, and self claimed realists.  My husband mingles with all three. I consider myself a natural optimist.  Through the years I have learned to appreciate the perspective of all three. They are all better attributes when mixed with components of each other.

I have had many years practicing how this all works and today when thinking of the batteries it came full circle for me.

I started thinking of things that were positive to me that were negative to another... I thought of the recent craziness that came from the movie FROZEN. I thought it was great and picked up some real value form the movie. Then only to find posts about its demise. I ask myself did we watch the same movie? Or how about when you listen to two political opponents...We hear the same message from them both  and determine our opinion then plastered everywhere are the arguments against each other.

Everyone gets a different result, WHY??? MINDSET!!! MINDSET!!! MINDSET!!!!

So where am I going with all of this? You cant get rid of negative! It's around all day, everyday and it only gets worse everyday!

Everything is like the battery with a positive and a negative end. When the input or situation hits our MINDSET then we immediately determine which end of the battery will get the energy!

So maybe instead of trying to disconnect from the negative you can focus on the positive!  We  also know that the negative is still there, we just are not going to give it any focus.

We have to live in this world that is combined with negative and positive! We live in a world that has major scary headlines almost daily. It's OK! Just decide which side of the battery you will focus on...The positive or the negative?

Invest your energy in what will further you in your life! Tune your mind into showing you opportunity and passion! As you pursue the best things in your life the negativity will move out of focus and become a blur and the positive will emerge and create a clearer path!

I am so thankful for life's little lessons from ordinary things such as a remote control and a battery!
When I looked at the remote I noticed the INPUT button. It reminded me that everyday we have a choice as to what we will fill ourselves with and even the VOLUME and the MUTE button.


Find JOY every day creating your beautiful MINDSET!!!

I judged!!!

About a month ago I was running some errands and my daughter Hayley came and met me for lunch. As we were leaving to go our separate ways she mentions that she needs gas in her car. So since I didn't have any cash I told her that I would drive over with her and get some gas with my card.

We proceed to the gas station and I get out to run my card on her pump when this very old run down beat up car pulls in. The brakes sounded like screeching metal on metal to the worst degree. It was one of our very warm Texas days and this car had all of the windows down and you could tell that there was no AC.

I was standing there pumping gas into Hayley's car when all of a sudden this lady comes walking up to me asking for $5 for gas so that she could make it home with her baby. Now this is not the first time I have been approached for gas money at the gas station. In fact, it seems to be happening more and more. We are a family that gives without any judgement and usually do give in these situations. For some reason this day I judged. In fact, the thought that crossed through my head at that moment was I bet she does this often. She was not very appropriately dressed for public.

I looked at her and told her that I was sorry but I didn't have any cash! She said God Bless you mam and went on to the next person. I watched the way she was treated by all of the people she was asking and the thought came over me to help this woman. As soon as I decide to help her the thought came across my mind...When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of our God...Then these words came...she is a child of God just like me.

I realized that even though I didn't have cash that I could go over with my card and fill up her tank. I was so happy to do it and went to look to find the woman. She was holding her new born baby still asking people for some money. Not one person had helped. I went to her and said just hold your baby...I am going to fill your car up for you. She immediately starting crying and said, God Bless you mam, God bless you mam! I told her don't thank me...Thank God for putting in my heart to do this!

She sobbed and definitely seemed overwhelmed by my kindness! My daughter looks at me and realizes what I am doing and just smiles and when I get to the car says, "I was just in my car praying that someone would help her cause everyone was saying No!"

I immediately teared up because it was Hayley's prayers that blessed me that day to see the bigger picture since I had initially judged the lady and decided not to help! I was so glad for that second chance! I also was able to show Hayley how powerful prayers are...Hayley prayed and I was the one who listened to the call to help!

So the lady wipes her tears, puts her infant back in the hot car and drives off! How fulfilling it is to serve others and be His Hands.

Well, two weeks later I was running to Rockwall for an appointment and I was about 20 minutes from home and not quite to my appointment when I looked down at my tank and realized I was nearly out of gas. So I pulled into the local gas station to fill up. I get out to start pumping only to realize that I can't find my wallet... forgetting that I had gotten something out of it at home and forgot to put it back in my purse. YEP, you guessed right...I am in the same situation at the gas station and no access to my money for gas. So I went inside to tell the attendant my predicament and asked could I write a check to cover my gas and was told No!

I immediately thought of my whole experience of the lady and pictured myself having to ask to borrow money for gas. I was humbled. Before I had a chance to say anything to anyone the guy in line behind me in line asked what pump I was on and paid for a full tank of gas for me. I looked at him with a tear in my eye and sincerely thanked him. He said Oh no problem at all, my pleasure! We are all brothers and sisters and we all need to help each other out!

I couldn't help but think I had this chance on purpose to have the full circle moment reminding me of what this life is always all about! Living and loving and serving! I was so grateful as I know that lady was so grateful!

Find JOY in random acts of kindness as you never know when you will be the one needing help!

I Was Cursed!!!!!

Today I had the most wonderful Mother's day. Like any special day there are usually memories associated with these special days. I read some awesome tributes to mothers on Facebook and I saw beautiful pictures of mothers with their children while they were reminiscing about their children. I loved it all.

It triggered me to reflect, as I often do about my children! My days are filled making memories with my 2 babies (well Hayley and Kolby are not actually babies anymore but you know what I mean when I say they will ALWAYS be my babies) but sometimes my thoughts take me to my  other 2 babies  that are in heaven.

For some reason a memory crossed my mind today and I am so very grateful that it did. It actually is not the happiest of memories but it was a full circle kind of moment. Years ago after my first daughter had passed away I was having a conversation with someone that I knew very well and that I called friend. We were talking about Shealyn (my daughter) and how hard it was for me to lose her. During the course of the conversation the subject came up of righteous living and how it was a curse to have lost her. I can't really remember anything else from that conversation other than that. I remember feeling crushed and worthless. I had heard many things  after losing her like, "Do you think she died from that disease because you were white and your husband is black?" or "Did she die because you didn't know how to take care of her?"...

So hearing all kinds of strange things were not uncommon. But this one had far reaching effects that I was not even aware of at the time.

When you look up the word CURSE in the dictionary it reads...to call upon divine or supernatural power to send injury upon.

Deep down I knew that wasn't truth but somehow my subconscious repeated those words in my head. You may be thinking well why on earth would you believe that??? Well, I never try to be something I am not and the truth is that Shealyn was born before Shay and I were married. GASP!!!! Not my most favorite thing to share , and some may even read this and think less of me, but that's OK! I am who I am because of everything that I have been through in my life. And like always, when I feel inspired to share something, I do! I always feel good about sharing if my experience can bless another's life.

I was 19 and I had just lost a child to a terminal illness, and also my self worth was low because I was raised to not have a child out of wed-lock. I believe that is true to this day but I had made a mistake. 

 

It's a weird feeling to know something isn't true but somehow at the same time because of being broken down you somehow feel that it is true.

Anyway, back to the definition of cursed...I know that is not how The Lord works but since I had a low self worth from doing things all the wrong way...I lived with the daily thought that I brought this upon myself. Talk about a lot of created pain and suffering by not only losing your child and all that goes along with that but the added pressure that it was my fault! It creates a lot of pain and hurt but also causes you to feel not worth very much. I lived many years like that. Even though no one knew that I felt like that.

Shelby had come several years after we were married and he died from the same disease as his sister 4 years later. Those same broken feelings surfaced again. But, I was aware that things were different this time but here I was having the same experience of losing another child to death.

When Shelby was alive I  had heard different people share with me that with enough faith that miracles could happen and Shelby could be healed. I prayed and had faith beyond what I can explain in words.  I did not receive that miracle! I somehow had feelings in the back of my mind that my faith was not great enough. Which of course caused feelings of low self worth.

Then one day a special person came into my life and was listening to my stories of losing my two kids and what she said that day really changed the course of my life. She said, "You must be a special woman to have been trusted with two angel children." Hearing those words spoke directly to the truth that I knew in my heart and had felt but that my low self esteem and mistakes caused me to feel like less.

It's been 20 years since I lost Shealyn and 16 years since I lost Shelby and I'm grateful for all of the growth and learning that I have experienced through the years because of these trials of great loss.

I know that I was not cursed! I know that I am forgiven for my sins. I know that God's grace makes up the difference for all my daily shortcomings.

I'm grateful to have full confidence in God's plan for us,,,even Shealyn and Shelby's plan. I learned that true faith is not just knowing God can, but knowing why sometimes He doesn't. True faith is not just believing that things can work out perfectly and miracles can happen, but trusting when sometimes they don't. True faith is not just receiving your answer, but accepting His.

I have learned to be grateful for each day, each moment, each memory, each chance to choose JOY and HAPPINESS regardless of the trial of the day. I have learned to trust God and define my blessings as anything that would bring me closer to Him.

So actually, I have learned that STRUGGLE causes us to come closer to Him and learn how to become more like Him. It's not that we will love what we are going through and we will surely love for hard things to come to an end. That is normal and OK to feel that way. But, I have learned to look to each trial or hardship as a chance to grow and become more.  And live each day reciting that YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU!

He died on the cross for us and He would not want us to live one day feeling as I did for several years...a worthless, cursed sinner! I have had far too many conversations with people that feel this way and so I wanted to share my experience as I hope that anyone that is living like this will stop and drop to your knees and ask for God to forgive you and move on with what and who you are meant to be.

I'm grateful for hearing someone tell me that I was cursed because it's helped me truly learn more about the precious gift of the atonement and how much our Father in Heaven truly loves us and wants to bless us. But sometimes the miracle is not having our prayers answered and the greatest growth is accepting His will for us.

Find JOY in God's plan for you no matter where you have come from or what you have done!

 YOU ARE NOT YOUR SIN!

I'M VULNERABLE

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Miriam Webster’s dictionary describes vulnerable as:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2. open to attack or damage

But, I learned that what Brene Brown said about vulnerability is the definition that I like to live by...



Being vulnerable is not easy! You have to be OK WITH ALL OF YOU! Being vulnerable is not just showing the happy, sparkly, everyday is wonderful side of you. It's about being transparent and revealing the parts that you'd rather deny or keep hidden for fear of judgement, ridicule, being labeled, criticized, misunderstood, or worst of all rejected!

It's not like we would walk up to someone and say "Hey how are you?... I'm insecure today"
But the truth is that some days may be that way! So how do you reveal you authentic self and still not  risk the chance of being considered crazy, weird or the BIG "D" word.....depressed?

The truth is that you can't! Now, I am all about being optimistic and I definitely look to on the bright side and the glass half full. But I still have days that I can't quite pull myself together because of something! There are days I feel lonely, there are days that I cry, there are days that I feel insecure, there are times that I feel left out, there our days that I wish I wasn't ADD (and all that goes along with that), there are days that I wish people didn't  hurt my feelings, there are days that I wish being more organized came naturally to me, there are days that I wish I had enough money to do all the things that I want to do, like build a shelter and feed the homeless daily, there are days that I feel fat, there are days that I wish I didn't yo-yo in my weight, there are days that I wish I never let anyone down, there are days that I wish there was enough of me to go around, there are days that I wish I didn't still use my fingers to count or have to ask how many ounces are in a quart, there are days I wish I wasn't so forgetful, there are days that I feel depressed and I can't even put my finger on WHY, there are days that I wish I didn't procrastinate.....and the list goes on and on!

I'm the happiest me I know and I still have these thoughts, concerns, and worries that phase in and out of my mind at times.

Sometimes being vulnerable comes from putting yourself in certain situations or even by choice, like writing this blog.

So, I have been practicing being vulnerable daily! I want to be authentic, I want to be a beautiful person, I want to be someone that people can relate to,  I want to be all that my Heavenly Father blessed me to become!

I strongly believe that our weaknesses are there for a reason and its so important to LOVE ALL OF OURSELF......WEAKNESS AND ALL! I believe that closing that gap of what someone sees on the outside and what someone feels on the inside is the perfect path to being authentic. And vulnerability is the vehicle to getting us there.

So being vulnerable can kind of make your feel weak....Like the time that I told my dear friend that when I receive a compliment that I wish I truly believed it...Or the other day when I felt so strongly to go to the temple with my dear friend and my mom.... and the weather man said that there was a chance of snow flurries but nothing would stick. So I proceeded to drive there. No one in the car knew that I had a HUGE FEAR of driving in the slick conditions! I didn't even realize how huge until I was shivering and stiff as a board with my hands gripped to the steering wheel. I had a terrible experience in the past that caused me to say "I will never drive on this again" So here I am driving on it. What should have been a 30-35 minute trip turned into a 3 1/2 hour drive. I went through every emotion and physically felt the fear to as my body was reacting along with some PTSD issues. I was a mess! But I was so determined to face my fear. I realized I was being so incredibly vulnerable because I was speaking out loud what every single fear I had was as I was driving! It could have sounded ridiculous to the others in the car. But they went the distance with me and I made it to my destination. After putting myself in a place of vulnerability I could totally recognize the growth. It was 20 times better on my way home because I felt accomplished that I had made it to my destination and pushed through my fears.

1.VULNERABILITY IS EASIER WHEN YOU DESIRE TO BE ALL THAT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.... You were meant to shine! You were meant to share your amazing talents! You were meant to bless the lives of others by giving only what YOU can give. You were meant to connect with others...YOU WERE BORN FOR GREATNESS! Don't let your fear of rejection or criticism stop you from being all that you can be. Step out of that space and be open with the people around you! You will find that people go through the same feelings and emotions but how much more beautiful to grow together when being open and vulnerable.

2. BEING VULNERABLE TAKES PRACTICE... Being vulnerable is not something that just happens overnight! In fact, I remember when I was going to start this blog...I was scared to death! What would people think of me if they knew the depth of the pain and sadness I have experienced? It seemed so scary to put out all of the feelings, thoughts and experiences that I have faced! But after writing it has been the complete opposite. The testimonies that have come from others who have read my blog have blessed my life. I have grown so much from learning to be vulnerable. I choose to be open everyday! It is always something I have to think about and choose to be open.

3. THE REWARDS OF VULNERABILITY ARE IMMEASURABLE... You may never even know how your openness can bless another...I remember recently reading a post on FB one late night about a mom that just didn't feel like she could conquer all that was on her plate and she wondered how everyone else had it all together.... Her beautiful and VULNERABLE post immediately had a ton of responses because other mothers were reaching out and some even said..."glad to know I'm not the only one."

Many times people measure your outsides by their insides and it will NEVER BE A MATCH or an equal playing field! So when openness and vulnerability occurs then everyone wins!

You can experience true connection like we were built to have when you choose to be vulnerable.  We really are way more complex than we show and when we start paying attention to all the thoughts that we have in a day, and we are open and vulnerable and  willing to share  ourselves then lives are blessed including our own! You wont be able to imagine all the blessings of growth that can come to you!

So the next time someone asks you "How are you? Be honest and vulnerable and watch the beauty that comes!

FIND JOY IN BEING VULNERABLE and OPEN YOURSELF UP TO GREATER POSSIBILITIES!!!