All of a sudden, the laughing, cheery, smiling Heather disappears and a more subdued, quiet, reverent Heather appears. Actually, it comes and goes. I'm not like that everyday at every moment, it's just during that time I never know when it is going to hit me. A memory will hit and that movie clip just plays at a moments notice. I can never pinpoint when this transition will come. Sometimes I know its here because while walking though Walmart a chord is struck the moment I see pumpkins out that triggers those tears to stream down my face out of nowhere. Sometimes, it's when the kids say, "Mom, are you listening to me?" They can tell that I am in another place in my mind! Sometimes, it can be hard to be around many people that haven't known me for long because they think I'm depressed if I have one of these moments hit me or they don't know how to take this side of me because they are used to my "happy-go lucky self". But, it's OK...it will pass shortly and I soon won't be tearing up out of nowhere! haha! I actually appreciate these few weeks or months (different every year) to reflect on this special phase.... for some reason it always hits me in September.
I'm grateful to be reminded of how far I have come from that 19 year old mother laying on the floor crying for weeks in front of an empty cradle by the christmas tree or the tears that streamed down my face at the sound of crying babies in church that only reminded me of my empty hands. And many, many, many more experiences through those younger years when I was learning how to live with my losses.
Because the truth is that as the years went on I learned that it wasn't loss at all but a great and special opportunity to grow into someone that I would have never become without the experiences that a loving Heavenly Father chose for me to go through. As a 40 year old, I know that my heart was crushed to understand the beautiful JOY that is accessible in this life. I was broken down as to understand how incredibly important dependency on God through this life is. And also a relationship that we should all strive for so that we know Him and strive to be like Him. I wouldn't trade the lessons from loss for anything. For I have gained so much and the lessons have also shaped me and molded me to be a better me.
This IS NOT a sad time for me, yet simply an exploring of my heart, thoughts and feelings. I never knew when I lost my first child so many years ago and then the second child 4 years later that it would have been such a life-long trial for me. Loss of children or loss period has so many stages and phases. I love seeing what messages the Lord will bring to me each year through this season for me. I learn something new every year.
I have spent the last 20 years trying to figure out and explore the new phases that hit year after year especially during this fall season. One thing for sure is that this trial of loss has kept me close to my Heavenly Father and has helped me live a life that is focused on what matters most. God, family and serving others. I may shed tears, and I may talk about them more during this time than the rest of the year....but one thing is for sure! I'm grateful for eternal families and the knowledge that I have that we will be together again if I live my life worthy to receive those blessings.
Speaking of service, I have found a way to turn those hard cycles that used to hit me every year into positive ones. I started an annual fundraiser last year in memory of my sweet daughter, Shealyn and my precious son Shelby called
"PAJAMA PAGES". Since they spent their little lives in pajamas...I collect pj's for the children that spend Halloween in the hospital. And I collect books because I was either reading to my babies or to Hayley when she came to visit us in the hospital for months. This year I have included stuffed animals.
We also collect funds to go to the red wagons at Children's Medical Center. Shelby used to ride in the wagons to his therapy treatments and it was the one thing that Hayley could help with by pulling her brother around.
We also collect funds to go to the red wagons at Children's Medical Center. Shelby used to ride in the wagons to his therapy treatments and it was the one thing that Hayley could help with by pulling her brother around.
Starting this service project during this season warms my heart and feels so good to turn that loss into something positive. Then on Halloween... the day Shelby went to heaven we donate all of the collected items.
Last year I was able to collect $2000 worth of pajamas and books. I was also able to collect enough for one red wagon that costs $200 per wagon! It was a special day and I had two of my best friends Monica King and Amylia Coover and my daughter Hayley go with me to donate the items to the hospital. A very heartwarming and special day!If you would like to donate BOOKS, PAJAMAS or STUFFED ANIMALS
Please message me for my address or if local I can arrange to pick them up! If you would like to donate funds for the red wagons or would like for me to purchase pajamas and books...Please PAYPAL me as a "gift" to livinyourlife08@gmail.com.
Find joy in the journey and turn hard things into positive things! Your heart will be happy!
Here is Shealyn Renee
Here is Shealyn Renee
Here is my Shelby Ray....
In memory of my angel babies SHEALYN RENEE and SHELBY RAY who died from a terminal disease called EPIDERMOLYSIS BULLOUSA (Junctional recessive)
