Bear one another's burdens...

Yesterday I had the beautiful privilege of attending a precious little angels funeral. Her name was Zinnia, just like the flower. She was 3 months old. She looked like a porcelain doll in her white satin dress that was handmade with love by a friend. The dress was made from fabric from her mother's and 2 aunts wedding dresses.  It was beyond heavenly. She looked like a perfect angel.

I grew up with her dad Jake and grew to love his wife, Heather. The other day when I found out that they had lost their daughter... I wept, as I always do when I hear that a child has died. My heart hurts for the parents so badly. I literally wish I could take away their pain...but I know I can't and that there are NO WORDS that will take away the pain. 

I was in awe when I was greeted by Jake with the most radiant smile and glossy eyes.  His spirit was shining! He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I don't know how you and Shay did it?" There was so much I wanted to say...but that is for another day and another place. My response at that moment was..."You just do..Jake...You just do and you just keep getting through one day at a time with the spirit leading you daily." 

Then to wrap my arms around Zinnia's mom, Heather. There was something special in that hug. I know many times we tell someone that we can't begin to imagine what they are going through. This was not the case. We hugged so tight just like our hearts did all the talking. She knew I knew. My heart broke for her.

Let me backtrack for a moment. As I woke up yesterday morning and was in my bathroom getting ready for Zinnia's funeral. I realized that something was really different for me. As I got dressed.. It was as if I was getting ready for my own child's funeral. Everything I did was reliving my own experience. I could remember what I wore, what I was feeling, how somber I was. As I got in my car to drive to the funeral I could remember things I hadn't remembered in years. Yesterday wasn't about me...but as I walked in and saw baby Zinnia. I flashed back and saw Shealyn laying there. And then Shelby. But,  Shealyn was in a white satin dress and white satin casket just like Zinnia. Everything was so similar. When I saw Heather...I felt like I could read her mind. When I watched her fix Zinnia's dress it was as if it was an out of body experience. Then at the actual funeral they sang one of the same songs that we sang at both of my babies funerals. When I listened to Heather and Jake share their thoughts about Zinnia I felt every word they were speaking! I knew how they longed for her and at the same time knew they would be with her again and said the exact words that I once said... "we will be there with you again cause we will work hard." To sit there and watch the family wiping their tears and still trying to make sense of it all was a tear jerker.

As I sat from a distance and watched it all, the tears flowed and flowed and flowed and flowed. Many probably thought that I was crying so hard because of my own loss and experience. But I wasn't.

My tears weren't for me, they were for Heather and Jake and all who loved that precious Zinnia. And she was precious.  As I have had many years to learn, grow and endure the loss of my babies. I sat there with a heart full of empathy and watched these parents start their first few days of their journey of loss. I felt so many emotions.

As I sat there in the chapel and listened to Heather, Zinnia's mom talk about her sweet baby and what she was like and what she would miss I couldn't hold back the tears. I just wanted to hug her and hold her. My heart was bursting at the seams for her. She was so brave to get up there and share at her own baby's funeral. Then her father, Jake shared his sweet testimony of knowing that Zinnia was in her Heavenly Father's hands. His words pierced my soul as he spoke about eternal families. They showed such grace. Also, Jakes father, Ernest spoke beautiful words that were so passionately shared! 

All I could think about is how could I be there for her. How could I help her. How could I bear their burdens. My mind flooded of things that I could do. I realized that there have been about 7 special and dear friends that I have been able to help and be there for while they endured their child loss. It is something that I hold near and dear to my heart. Who would have known that I would have that many people in my little life that needed me because I could relate to them and what they were going through.

Who can you help? What trials have you survived that would allow you the knowledge and empathy to bless someone else's life and bear their burdens? How can you open up and share your heart so that someone else knows they are safe with you?

I reflected on the promises that I made when I was baptized many years ago. I promised to take upon His name. We were also willing to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.

Giving service brings us together and gives us opportunities to share and talk and unload and lift and encourage and comfort. I often think of a song that I grew up singing as a family. "I'm trying to be like Jesus" or as a teenager...the words..."WWJD" (what would Jesus do.) He loved everyone. He lifted and he blessed. I saw that happen at the funeral yesterday with all of their loving brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and grandparents all around supporting with love. I remember it happening any time that I stood in need of that kind of love and support. I see it around me today in my community and neighborhood and in my church family and in my Scentsy family... women and men who try their best to love and serve others. The world needs you and me.  Anyone who can love another and lift another up and bear one another's burdens.

The spirit of Zinnia and the love that her family had for her reminded me of this yesterday.

Every day of our lives we are given opportunities to show love and kindness to those around us.

What have you been through that has given you that special knowledge to be able to bless someones life because you have walked the path. There is someone waiting for the love that only you can share. Pray and ask God to show you who may stand in need of such love and then act.

Find Joy in bearing one another's burdens.

I love you Jake and Heather...Until you meet again with your precious angel Zinnia! Continued prayers for all of you.

The Unexpected Journey... We are selling our home!

As I sat down to blog the other day, my phone popped up and made mention that my "time hop was ready to view."  Of course with my A.D.D. I got distracted and looked. As I scrolled through what was posted a year ago I couldn't believe the post I saw was exactly what I sat down to write about.  It was a full circle moment for me. Sitting down today to blog about my experience of simplifying and how it has truly opened up my eyes to a whole new life.  To see this post, was a tender mercy, as I can now truly see how far I have come in a year. As I realized that I had been at this simplifying thing for a year... I understood more clearly why this journey has taken me to the point I am at now. (more about that at the end) Here is the message from last year... February 2014.

During this last year since I began this journey of getting rid of what I no longer needed! I realized that it was SO MUCH MORE THAN getting rid of things. It was changing me.  With each item that I sold or gave away, I noticed a change in me for the better.  It was literally freeing to my soul. It is one of those feelings that you can't get unless you go through the actions. It was like I was making more room for "God things" in my life. At the beginning of this "movement"  I noticed there were things that I had emotional attachments too (knowing it was something that I DID NOT NEED TO KEEP). I literally had to take it to God in prayer and ask; what am I missing? Why am I holding on to this? Why do I feel attached? That comes from the loss that I've had! But, it was time to let go and create more room for other things! 

I also invested in a personal organizer. Best gift I ever requested for myself. I have learned that if you don't possess a certain skill then sometimes you have to find someone that does. (Plus, you can bless their life by using their talents and paying them for their skills to be used.) 

Here is what I learned from my simplifying journey... First- I experienced LESS FRUSTRATION.

Anytime someone needed something I had to search for it. Therefore wasting mass amounts of time looking, searching and digging here and looking there just to find what I was looking for. Sometimes, that could even domino into being late getting where you needed to go. It could even create frustration cause you couldn't move forward with what you are doing. Then, in my case, A.D.D. would sometimes get the best of me and I would forget what I was even doing before I began my searching efforts. Now with everything having its own place, I definitely experience less frustration and MORE PEACE and a sense of calm when I can say,  "let me get that for you...its right here." Everyday I am happier because of having less.  

Secondly, since I have less to maintain it opens each day for way more TIME and more MONEY. It's amazing. I can't believe it actually. When I couldn't find something, I would often just buy another. It was actually humorous when everything was put together in the same place because you could see what I couldn't find when I had 4 or 5 of something. (hahaha) I have definitely noticed in the areas of my home that are complete that I am more productive because I have less stuff competing for my time and attention. I have saved money for sure in the grocery store department because I can actually see what I have and I no longer buy triple of stuff because I couldn't see that I already had it in my pantry.

However, I remember when we purchased our home and many people commented that, "You are gonna have alot to clean" They were right. Since I couldn't always keep it up... I hired a cleaning lady that came weekly. It was awesome! Then I hired a pooper scooper! Then I hired an organizer! Catch my drift... More space required more maintenance which required more money if I wanted more time. So I actually had to buy my time! It is an eye opener when you see the numbers that are actually spent on maintaining. Once you add up the cleaning lady, the poop scooper, the lawn guy, the window cleaner, the organizer and so on and so on... IT ADDS UP TO THOUSANDS! Of course, I could always do it myself (well not the organizing) but I wasn't willing to give up the time. But that is a whole other blog post.

The last major thing that I realized that I have learned from this process is that less stuff brings more JOY! I am finding more joy in living, rather than having too much stuff or spending time maintaining. I have never been a materialistic person. I am a thrift store shopper and wearer and I love me a good garage sale. I'm talking about clutter of things. Having things, keeping things, collecting things. I've never been big about having things but when you have a bigger place you naturally acquire more things. Now that I am experiencing less clutter I am able to focus more on things we actually need. As we have removed the clutter, we have removed distractions, and we have been able to experience more gratitude for what really matters most.

I now know why I was inspired a year ago to begin this simplifying process. I have learned so much, I have grown so much and I have seen how God has been changing me to get to a place in life that I could hear what he had in store for me and my family exactly a year later. I had no idea that God had a different path for us than we had planned. It's pretty magical to follow His path for you. In the spirit of simplifying and getting rid of clutter I learned that we will simplify our living space as well. Yes, I just said we are selling our dream home. It has been the perfect home for us for the last 3 years. It was everything we wanted. But now in this new season of focusing on what matters most...it's not maintaining a 4000 square foot home. It will be about traveling and creating more memories together. It's about having more time to bless others. It will be about doing what God calls me to do everyday. We will be selling almost everything we own except for what we love and need.  But that isn't much anymore! We will be downsizing from 4000 square feet to 1000...Until Kolby graduates and we decide where we want to settle.. if we ever even do. And that makes me happy for the possibilities! But for now....Forney is home.

We will miss our beautiful neighbors that we have grown to love. We also will miss our walks and definitely these beautiful sunsets! 

 Although, we have loved entertaining in our home; we don't need all of this space anymore. Plus, it will never be the same without all of us here. So we (me, Shay and Kolby) will begin our own new journey. We have cherished, forever memories in our home of Devonshire! I am grateful for the seasons and intersections of life that lead us to bigger and greater things....because God's path is always better than our own. I'm also grateful for the spirit of my son Kolby. He has always felt that our home was too big, and now that Hayley and Jose are moving is really excited to downsize. 

I have pages and pages of unpublished blogs for all that I have learned through this process but my most favorite part is knowing that I am listening to my heart and spirit and following God's plan for our family. And that we all feel the same. I never thought I would say good bye to this home. I thought it would be our forever home. But when God shows you a different path...you follow! I remember the day that He said to me in my heart... you can choose to stay! I knew that this was a chance to put all that I have learned to the test.  We decided to trust God! We can't wait to see who God sends to live in our home, so they can experience the joy that this home has brought to our family. 

I truly know that LESS IS MORE! More time, more energy, more ability to focus on what matters most,  which ultimately brings MORE JOY! 

This pic represents a wonderful moment (the day we closed on our home).. I can't wait to share many more moments like this picture of our new and upcoming journey.

PTSD... The Struggle is REAL!!!

Sunshine, sparkle, inspirational quotes, beautiful people, blue skies...That's my happy place! I could talk about those things all day long with ease. But PTSD it's not my favorite topic, but it is REAL.

I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). through the years. I was diagnosed many years after losing my second child. Although, I know that I experienced it after losing my first child, but at the time I didn't understand what was happening! No one enjoys admitting that they deal with a mental health issue but as a Life coach and having many conversations with different people, I have learned that most people deal with some kind of issue. If you have ever dealt with depression...that too is a mental health issue. Instead of being embarrassed to talk about it...EMBRACE IT! That is the best way to take steps to move past it, or cope with it better. And who knows... by opening up and sharing your "stuff" you may inspire someone else to open up about their "stuff" and together you both heal or move forward. After speaking with two dear friends in the very same week that have recently been diagnosed with PTSD... I decided to speak out about it. 

PTSD is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced a traumatic or terrifying event in which harm, extreme loss, unexpected death, war or natural disaster has affected the individual. I've mentioned through my blogs that I have "flashbacks" or moments where mini movie clips run through my head of the past. For several years after the loss of my babies I dealt with this on a regular basis but as time has gone on; I have been very fortunate that my PTSD has only surfaced with triggers. Since they died on holidays... it mostly happened when Halloween and Thanksgiving would roll around each year. It would also happen in moments when my children would leave us for any extended length of time. Some have dealt with this so bad that it has been debilitating, for me it has never been that serious. And for that, I am grateful.

Let me take you in my mind when PTSD is having it's hay day...

Its a normal day back when Hayley and Kolby were young. I had to run an errand. So I go and put both kids in their car seats. We are traveling down the road when all of a sudden someone slams on their brakes. No big deal right? You hit your brakes too and make the car stop. With PTSD the mind kinda keeps going in these "nightmarish" moments. I slam on my brakes..we are stopped but in my mind the kids fly out of their car seats and break the windshields and I get out of the car and run to them to find them dead and then my mind goes through an entire funeral and burial. I then get a grip on my mind realizing that all of those thoughts happened in a matter of seconds and my conscious mind knows that this isn't real. The problem comes in because the subconscious mind doesn't exactly know that its not real yet... So all of the emotions that one would feel and go through with that terrible accident feel very real. I have countless episodes that I could share but this one came to mind. 

Thankfully, I dealt with it so much right after my kids died that I gained alot of practice on how to get my conscious and subconscious mind aligned and get back to normal life! But imagine that happening all throughout the day! For several years it did! Through the years, I became a pro at dealing with it and no one even knew that I was having an episode. (Well, maybe closer friends and family did)

Bottom line, its no fun! Fast forward to NOW! With the exciting news of Jose being accepted to Texas Tech and them moving to Lubbock in a few short months. Something happened to me inside. It was like the biggest trigger that I have ever felt. Losing the child before and after Hayley... needless to say; she filled many "holes" that Shay and I had. Whether it was healthy or subconsciously unhealthy; we did the best we could with where we were through the years! We didn't have all of the answers on how to survive losing two of our children.

With the recent knowledge that Hayley will be leaving set me into the worst two weeks dealing with PTSD I have ever experienced. I buried her a thousand times in my "day"mares. I prayed, I pleaded, I prayed some more. All the techniques that I had become a pro at using didn't work. I couldn't get it to go away. I didn't want to put a damper on the good news and excitement that we all felt,  so I didn't share it with anyone in my family. They had no idea. (which is unlike me to not share) I just couldn't get it to stop. And I refused to steal any joy that they were experiencing with my issues. So I just endured.

I know that it is normal for a child to grow up and move on and spread their wings and fly! I have ALWAYS supported and encouraged that. But now that it was happening for real, my heart couldn't handle it! I realized that Hayley leaving opened up every single wound that I have ever felt through all of the losses I have experienced. I realized that her precious birth and the chance to keep her here on earth with us filled up many of those wounds. I have spent years healing from loss but there never really is an end...(well, until Christ comes again) But, you know what I mean!

Many have said to me "that I will be fine" and yes I know that it is true. But, her leaving wasn't your typical child growing up and leaving...it was much deeper than that.

Hayley and I have been connected at the hip for her entire life. Of course, with moments that we wanted to kill each other between 11 and 13!  (Not literally, of course) She is my best friend. Since she home schooled we literally have shared every single day together (with the exception of when I traveled). Especially the last 5 as she has grown into the beautiful woman that she is now... we have created daily memories. We have always been close but through the years she has become my dearest, most special best friend. (Of course, Shay is too) But to have the kind of relationship that we have will be hard to live without in our daily lives.

I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel. Through my prayers, I have learned alot! I have realized that these two weeks even though hard, were extremely healing. I haven't gone to those places in my mind in many years. I truly believe that this gave me a chance to clear out some holes that were pushed away through the years that I wasn't even aware were there. I have had the chance to fill those holes with the proper things. I have been able to feed my mind with words of the Savior that we are never alone and that every loss will be made up to us in the eternities. I also learned to love myself on a deeper level with all of my baggage from the hurts, pains and losses that I have experienced thus far in my life.

It has allowed me to purge the unhealthy and focus on the brighter side. Man, I am glad that's over..PTSD is emotionally exhausting. Its been about a month since I dealt with that experience and I am now so focused on my new journey and finding JOY in the future. I am not promising that it wont be without many tears, as it will be hard to learn to live daily life without Hayley. But I also know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I will continue to feed my mind with FAITH, TRUTH AND LOVE.

Find JOY in your weakness as all weaknesses can be made into strengths!