More!

I woke up this morning feeling abundance in my life! Which happens quite often these days. This is what I pictured this morning as I was laying in bed thinking...

Starting this blog has opened the memory box that was locked up in my heart. I think I subconsciously acted like I had lost the key to the memory box so that I could keep all of the memories tucked away and never have to face if I had lost any! (Read my Stepping Out blog) But, just like I explained in my first blog,  the words that came to my mind and heart when I was deciding to start writing was this....."When you begin to write and overcome your fear of  the loss of your memories....Wait and continue writing and all things will come to your remembrance!" AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING!

Isn't is so true that once we make a decision to act on something and take a baby step...then the Lord is right there waiting to BLESS US BEYOND BELIEF! Look how long I have left these memories tucked away (18 years) and within 3 days I am having to keep a log of all the thoughts that are flooding my mind so that I can write about them! Where have they been? How did they show up all of a sudden? Why now? What does that tell us about fear?

You either move toward something you love or away from something you fear. The first expands. The second constricts.
Tom Crum

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
William Shakespeare

SO there it is....My doubt and fear of lost memories allowed for constriction and I lost the good! But the cool thing is we grow and learn and become more everyday if we choose to conquer our fears! I have chosen to conquer my fears and am realizing that my memories were never lost! They were right there waiting for me to unlock them at the right time! Life is all about timing! I know now that this is the time that the Lord set aside for me to BECOME MORE! He was waiting on ME!

I get it! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT! All these years I have kept my thoughts and stories to myself out of fear and therefore I couldn't even have them to myself! Now that I am willing to share and have unlocked my heart...the memories can't be contained and this is EXCITING to me! I feel like a huge part of my life is back!

What are you fearing? What have you tucked away? How many years are you willing to let pass before realizing the things that you need to overcome? This is the time to be all that you can be and unlock the worries of your heart! Take baby steps but make sure to take a step in the direction of uncovering your fear to become all that you are meant to become!

Isn't it an incredible feeling when you learn a deeper meaning about something that you already know or have learned! I am an extremely sharing person and actually delight in it! But even as sharing as I am I was holding back!

I know that it is time to to become more, realize more, and BE MORE! 

I love Nelson Mandela! To study his life was life changing for me! The quote he recited is the one that changed my life! I hope by sharing it that it can change yours....."Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Writing this blog is liberating and I want to write MORE! I hope that you will look in your heart and unlock the pain and let it loose! Move toward the things you love instead of holding yourself back from being MORE! God is waiting to place people in your path that you can bless just by being YOU! SO stop holding yourself back and figure out what is tucked away and begin to take the steps necessary to let it go and move forward! YOUR LIFE IS WAITING TO BE MORE! Find the JOY in BECOMING MORE!

What God intended for you goes far beyond anything you can imagine.

Mom-massurance

Well to be completely honest...after yesterday's post I realized that I had opened up some tender feelings from my past and began to let my mind fill up with doubt. When you do something new and step out of your comfort zone it easy to feel a little nervousness or have doubting thoughts flood your mind. I told myself all day that I wasn't writing today!

As we all know that the little voices in our head are always there! The test is to learn how to quiet those thoughts and not let them affect you! You have to learn how to let the positive thoughts have the domain of your brain! I'm sure you say easier said than done! Well, I have spent many years of my life allowing the thoughts to be louder than they should. But have gotten to a place in life where I have learned much control over my thoughts and I silence the itty-bitty-icky committee in my mind! Until you decide to step out of your comfort zone and then all of sudden...BOOM THE THOUGHTS ARE ROARING!

I woke up this morning to roaring thoughts of self doubt...Once again I started doubting my writing or subject matter. Why would I question after all the confirmations that I had received through the last few months to write! It's so silly...there were no comments from yesterdays blog and I thought maybe that was too sad for people to read about my son dying? Maybe they don't know what to say? Maybe I should not be so deep! But the reality is that deep is my middle name! That is just who I am!

So, I texted my mom and asked her if she had read my "lukewarm stones" blog and she had. I asked her if you didn't know me would you want to read about Shelby dying? How did it flow? Did you want to continue reading? I then told her that when I begin to write the words just flow like water! I just wanted her reassurance! She responded, "Then if the words flow then that is all the reassurance that you need."

Since I wrote about Shelby yesterday it brought some deep insecure thoughts out in me... Many years ago after Shelby died I wanted to talk about my babies alot because that is how I could heal. Someone said to me, "People are tired of hearing about your kids...its time to quit talking about them and move on!" It took many, many years to get over those words (which I thought I was over) , obviously not!

So today, I began thinking and telling myself that no one wanted to hear about those stories. I was feeling insecure about opening up again. I texted my mom again, saying maybe what I wrote was too deep.She said, "You're right on your goal to be able to help others find joy in their journey!" She reminded me that I had been given all the feedback and impetus to write in the first place. She then said, "Write for the sheer joy of it and the rest will unfold as you go!"

ALL I NEEDED WAS SOME "MOM-MASSURANCE" TODAY!

After I was done with all of my self doubting....The Lord blessed me with quick reminders that I should write! I received 4 different messages that they so enjoyed reading my blog and will keep reading! Also, I was invited to be a guest speaker on a SCENTSY conference call about finding joy in the journey(my all time favorite topic) and then the final reassurance was when I got home and read a message that I was being requested to speak at someones big yearly showdown meeting! Maybe, I do have something to say that others want to hear!

So, I decided that I was going to write even when I wasn't sure what I was going to say today! This is what came out! I'm thankful to an AMAZING mother that is wise and a loving and provides me still and always will with the REASSURANCE that I need! But ultimately reminding me that what more reassurance do I need when the Lord has already reassured me ENOUGH! Thanks, mom for reminding me to find joy in my insecure moments! ALL I NEEDED WAS MY MOM'MASSURANCE!

"Lukewarm" Stones

What an AMAZING birthday it has been! I refuse to ever be someone who says that a birthday is just another day! I think we all deserve to have at least one day that we get treated like royalty! Because we all know that with all the roles that we play....that is not always the case! This was one of the most relaxing and chill birthday's I can remember. This is my day.....
SLEEPING IN A LITTLE

A WALK TO THE POND TO FEED THE DUCKS WITH HAYLEY AND KOLBY...

LUNCH AT CHIC FIL A...

A NETFLIX MOVIE that had me laughing and laughing....

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,    1  & 1/2 MASSAGE WITH HOT STONES

 Well, it was supposed to be HOT stones! I have had a hot stone massage before and have incredible memories of it being a really great massage! I remember how relaxing and calming it was! Since it was my birthday I made a point to schedule this massage with hot stones on this day so that it would be the BEST massage ever! I also scheduled it to be a little longer just for the sake of spoiling myself a little more than usual since it was my birthday! I COULDN'T WAIT! I am laying there waiting for the lady to come back in and get started with these hot stones....All I kept thinking was Ahhhh this is gonna be the best 1& 1/2....   Well, it didn't take long to realize that my most of my time was being taken up with all of the preparation of the stones and towels and oil....Come on already...let's get this started...It will be all good when she starts massaging with the hot stones! And here she comes...Oh the anticipation.... She starts and the hot stones were not hot! Are you kidding me? Really? I don't want to say anything because of course that will eat more of my time up. Not only am I getting less massage than normal but the stones were nothing special!  So I sat there and endured the "LUKEWARM" STONES. I started thinking the one day that I wanted to be the best experience ended up lacking in every way! How many times have you been there?

I was laying there receiving this (much to be desired) massage and like I always do.....I start thinking and a memory of my sweet son Shelby crossed my mind...I have had this experience cross my mind many times before as some of my greatest lessons in life have come from the experiences with my children. Shelby was born on May 21st, 1998. He was my 3rd child and first son! He was born with the same terminal disease (Epidermolysis Bullousa) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/epidermolysis-bullosa/DS01015/DSECTION=causes that my daughter Shealyn had died from 4 years previously. His life was very different from Shealyn's. I had taken a crash course with Shealyn and learned so much through having her. I had also already been through the experience of having a child only to have to bury them 4 1/2 months later. So the moment Shelby was born I knew what was to come. Not that I didn't pray for a miracle but the reality of this disease and the type that my children had was fatal. Even with that knowledge of knowing what his fate most likely was going to be...I still did everything I could to fight against the odds. Shelby spent most of his life in the ICU at Children's Medical Center! I lived there with him for 5 of his 5 1/2 months of his life. In that 5 months living in ICU I can only remember leaving the hospital one time. That was because my family wanted to get me out of that ICU waiting room to take my mind off of things and see the outside world. The State Fair of Texas was going on and they brought Hayley so I could try and have one normal night with her. It was hard to leave but I did it for Hayley's sake. It was hard to have fun because my mind was consumed with thoughts that maybe they will not take care of Shelby right, what if he dies while I am gone to the fair? Shelby's skin was so fragile that I was pretty much the only one that tended to all his needs. Nurses were only allowed to give him his meds through his tubes. So without me there, you could see my worries. However, upon my return he was OK! I didn't know then that the next day was going to be one of his worst days! The next morning after doing all the normal rounds the team of doctors came to inform me that Shelby's numbers were way low and that he needed another transfusion of TPN which provides nutritional support through an IV. So they came in to place a new IV as he could not leave in an IV in his skin very long or his skin would deteriorate around it and get infected. The IV would not go in...his clot factor was so off which meant that his body was shutting down and he could not get the TPN nutrition that he needed so badly. This was NOT good news! We knew at this point that it could only be a matter of days without this nutrition entering his fragile body. And then it began...all of the thoughts that flood your mind.....even after all of my efforts we were going to lose our precious boy. How long would I have him? I need to cherish these last days but how, I'm so sad. I am not ready or I am ready because I don't want him to suffer this incredible pain any longer? NO, I am not ready for him to leave? Back and forth, back and forth! I was a mess! I remember crying myself to sleep that night (which usually sleep only lasted about an hour) I just held him in the rocking chair all night falling asleep off and on! The nurses would come in and just watch me hold him because they knew I was falling asleep.

Well, I woke the next day to a miracle! His stats had turned around! They still could not get the IV in but he was doing better than he had done in weeks! Wait, I finally prepared my mind that he was going to die and that I was going to lose him. I wanted to believe that maybe this was the miracle that we were all praying for. Day one good, Day two was even better and even Day 3 he opened his eyes and smiled. The fourth day Shelby took a turn for the worse and was his heart rate dropped and they told me that they had done all they could do. I made the decision to take him home with hospice care. I could have him for one more day or who knows maybe weeks but probably not. But still, I wanted to take him home and that is what I did! Shelby died 10 days later on October 31st (Halloween)  in the morning in his room with me by his side. The sun was shining through the window and the house was quiet and Shelby took his last breath. It couldn't have been more peaceful.

So, you wonder why all of these details? Wonder what this story has to do with my "lukewarm" stone massage? Well, it is this.... I never knew that for the rest of my life I would regret those 3 days that Shelby appeared to be defeating the odds! Little did I know then that I spent all 3 of those days confused not knowing what was going on! No one could explain why Shelby was doing so miraculously well! Do you ever wish you could go back and redo certain situations? Well this is one that I would redo if I knew then what I know now! You see, I spent those 3 days worrying and trying to understand what was going on instead of CHERISHING EVERY GOOD MOMENT that he was having. I could have made memories...I could have spent 72 hours seeing if he would smile more...It was almost like Heavenly Father took his pain away for those 3 precious days and I could have enjoyed precious moments! I think of that experience from time to time as it taught me to never spend my time upset about a situation and waste the whole time bothered. Instead I could just take whatever situation and make the best of what I was offered and actually gain so much more.I regret missing out on what could of been 3 of the most precious days with Shelby.

So today, instead of spending the whole hour and a half wishing that the circumstances were better I decided to enjoy the massage even with LUKEWARM STONES. The lessons that I have learned throughout my life have taught me how to find Joy in the Journey. I invite you to remember this story the next time that you find your situation to be lacking or little to be desired and turn it around to find the good as YOU COULD POSSIBLY MISS MOMENTS THAT YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK!

Stepping Out...

I am stepping out! Stepping out of my comfort zone and stepping out on faith! So here I am finally making the choice to start the blog that I feel inspired to start! I have felt for some time that I needed to do this!  But as with anything when we you begin to follow the promptings of your heart....the voices in your mind start...My mind started saying.....You dont have anything to say... Noone will want to read what your post...Your page is not appealing...You are very forgetful and you will not be consistent...Who will even care what you write! As I have spent time trying to get my page setup I have been hearing these words over and over and over!  But no matter what...I am going for it!
I am gonna do this once and for all! I am not going to let those negative words stop me! Not this time!

You see, for 18 years I have felt compelled to write! Not a blog but in a journal. I have had many many different trials, experiences, challenges and hurdles in my life! I have always had the thought that I need to be recording all of these experiences and stories. I always said I was going to start writing but didn't!

I especially felt that I needed to write and record the stories about my two babies that died.  When time passed and I didnt record or remember to write...I started feeling guilty. Like I had missed my opportunity. I felt regret that I might have forgotten so many things and details of their precious lives.

Year after year it was my New Year's Resolution to write only to not have recorded one thing! The sadness turned into regret and the regret turned into pain and loss (feeling like I had lost the memories) and the pain turned into a fear that I could not get over! I think it was the fear of feeling like I had lost so many stories of my heart kept me from writing ANYTHING! I could post on Facebook, but that was it! Every single time I said it was time to start writing....It didn't happen! I thought maybe I am not making time to write, maybe I am just too busy, maybe I truly desire to write but just keep forgetting to start! Then I started realizing that I was justifying! I realized that I was looking for every excuse because I didnt want to face the reality of finding that I had forgotten too much! So year after year passed and NO WRITING!

My late father had a gift and passion for recording family history and has records and records in books, pictures, even old family bibles. It is amazing and I was raised around this. My mom has now realized is her new mission to continue in the work that my father started. My mother is a master memory maker and even works as a coach with Heritage Makers to help people record their memories and family history. She has made me several books that I cherish! Being a child growing up around this kind of diligence of keeping the memories alive I felt like a failure because I hadn't kept record of any of the amazing stories.

As I have grown and learned much I knew it was time to just  DO IT and start writing, so once again I went and bought a new journal (to add to my collection). I noticed something different this time. I kept having memory recall of past experiences and experienced  memory after memory begin to fill my mind! All of a sudden thoughts of starting a blog came across my mind...Of course I said to myself! No I just need to record my thoughts privately! Well, just the other day it hit me loud and clear...YOU NEED TO START A BLOG! I have always been one that listens closely to the promptings of the spirit and DO without questioning. However, this had so many deep feelings associated with writing I just didn't know how to start! But, I did say I was going to do it because I could not deny the inspired thoughts I was having about it! Then I received a birthday gift in the mail from my sweet mother!

It was a BEAUTIFUL journal that said "Heather's Hand of God Journal." There it was....the next inspired moment from my Heavenly Father that was sent to me through my mom! My mom knew I had felt compelled to write but had no idea that I felt inspired to start a blog and she also didn't know that I was finally ready to do it but struggling with how or where to start! I opened up the journal to find the sweetest pictures at the bottom of every page that definitely struck a chord with me. And at the bottom of the inside cover there were the words... "Use this journal to record the times you see the Hand of God in your life." I finally got it! Quit beating yourself up that you didnt write and  start today writing about this whole experience! I definitely see the "Hand of God." Then this thought came...when you begin to write and overcome your fear of loss of your memories....Wait and continue writing and all things will come to your remembrance! Tears streamed down my face as I learned once again that when you step out on faith, you are blessed beyond measure to overcome your doubts and weaknesses. I sent a text to my mom that her gift was inspired and "WRITE ON TIME" She sent a text back to me that said how cute "WRITE" ON TIME was. I message her back that I did not even notice that I had done that! Just another small confirmation that it is time to WRITE! I have no idea where this journey will lead but I do know that I will find the joy in the journey all along the way. I welcome you to join me in FINDING JOY IN THE JOURNEY.