I judged!!!

About a month ago I was running some errands and my daughter Hayley came and met me for lunch. As we were leaving to go our separate ways she mentions that she needs gas in her car. So since I didn't have any cash I told her that I would drive over with her and get some gas with my card.

We proceed to the gas station and I get out to run my card on her pump when this very old run down beat up car pulls in. The brakes sounded like screeching metal on metal to the worst degree. It was one of our very warm Texas days and this car had all of the windows down and you could tell that there was no AC.

I was standing there pumping gas into Hayley's car when all of a sudden this lady comes walking up to me asking for $5 for gas so that she could make it home with her baby. Now this is not the first time I have been approached for gas money at the gas station. In fact, it seems to be happening more and more. We are a family that gives without any judgement and usually do give in these situations. For some reason this day I judged. In fact, the thought that crossed through my head at that moment was I bet she does this often. She was not very appropriately dressed for public.

I looked at her and told her that I was sorry but I didn't have any cash! She said God Bless you mam and went on to the next person. I watched the way she was treated by all of the people she was asking and the thought came over me to help this woman. As soon as I decide to help her the thought came across my mind...When you are in the service of your fellow being you are only in the service of our God...Then these words came...she is a child of God just like me.

I realized that even though I didn't have cash that I could go over with my card and fill up her tank. I was so happy to do it and went to look to find the woman. She was holding her new born baby still asking people for some money. Not one person had helped. I went to her and said just hold your baby...I am going to fill your car up for you. She immediately starting crying and said, God Bless you mam, God bless you mam! I told her don't thank me...Thank God for putting in my heart to do this!

She sobbed and definitely seemed overwhelmed by my kindness! My daughter looks at me and realizes what I am doing and just smiles and when I get to the car says, "I was just in my car praying that someone would help her cause everyone was saying No!"

I immediately teared up because it was Hayley's prayers that blessed me that day to see the bigger picture since I had initially judged the lady and decided not to help! I was so glad for that second chance! I also was able to show Hayley how powerful prayers are...Hayley prayed and I was the one who listened to the call to help!

So the lady wipes her tears, puts her infant back in the hot car and drives off! How fulfilling it is to serve others and be His Hands.

Well, two weeks later I was running to Rockwall for an appointment and I was about 20 minutes from home and not quite to my appointment when I looked down at my tank and realized I was nearly out of gas. So I pulled into the local gas station to fill up. I get out to start pumping only to realize that I can't find my wallet... forgetting that I had gotten something out of it at home and forgot to put it back in my purse. YEP, you guessed right...I am in the same situation at the gas station and no access to my money for gas. So I went inside to tell the attendant my predicament and asked could I write a check to cover my gas and was told No!

I immediately thought of my whole experience of the lady and pictured myself having to ask to borrow money for gas. I was humbled. Before I had a chance to say anything to anyone the guy in line behind me in line asked what pump I was on and paid for a full tank of gas for me. I looked at him with a tear in my eye and sincerely thanked him. He said Oh no problem at all, my pleasure! We are all brothers and sisters and we all need to help each other out!

I couldn't help but think I had this chance on purpose to have the full circle moment reminding me of what this life is always all about! Living and loving and serving! I was so grateful as I know that lady was so grateful!

Find JOY in random acts of kindness as you never know when you will be the one needing help!

I Was Cursed!!!!!

Today I had the most wonderful Mother's day. Like any special day there are usually memories associated with these special days. I read some awesome tributes to mothers on Facebook and I saw beautiful pictures of mothers with their children while they were reminiscing about their children. I loved it all.

It triggered me to reflect, as I often do about my children! My days are filled making memories with my 2 babies (well Hayley and Kolby are not actually babies anymore but you know what I mean when I say they will ALWAYS be my babies) but sometimes my thoughts take me to my  other 2 babies  that are in heaven.

For some reason a memory crossed my mind today and I am so very grateful that it did. It actually is not the happiest of memories but it was a full circle kind of moment. Years ago after my first daughter had passed away I was having a conversation with someone that I knew very well and that I called friend. We were talking about Shealyn (my daughter) and how hard it was for me to lose her. During the course of the conversation the subject came up of righteous living and how it was a curse to have lost her. I can't really remember anything else from that conversation other than that. I remember feeling crushed and worthless. I had heard many things  after losing her like, "Do you think she died from that disease because you were white and your husband is black?" or "Did she die because you didn't know how to take care of her?"...

So hearing all kinds of strange things were not uncommon. But this one had far reaching effects that I was not even aware of at the time.

When you look up the word CURSE in the dictionary it reads...to call upon divine or supernatural power to send injury upon.

Deep down I knew that wasn't truth but somehow my subconscious repeated those words in my head. You may be thinking well why on earth would you believe that??? Well, I never try to be something I am not and the truth is that Shealyn was born before Shay and I were married. GASP!!!! Not my most favorite thing to share , and some may even read this and think less of me, but that's OK! I am who I am because of everything that I have been through in my life. And like always, when I feel inspired to share something, I do! I always feel good about sharing if my experience can bless another's life.

I was 19 and I had just lost a child to a terminal illness, and also my self worth was low because I was raised to not have a child out of wed-lock. I believe that is true to this day but I had made a mistake. 

 

It's a weird feeling to know something isn't true but somehow at the same time because of being broken down you somehow feel that it is true.

Anyway, back to the definition of cursed...I know that is not how The Lord works but since I had a low self worth from doing things all the wrong way...I lived with the daily thought that I brought this upon myself. Talk about a lot of created pain and suffering by not only losing your child and all that goes along with that but the added pressure that it was my fault! It creates a lot of pain and hurt but also causes you to feel not worth very much. I lived many years like that. Even though no one knew that I felt like that.

Shelby had come several years after we were married and he died from the same disease as his sister 4 years later. Those same broken feelings surfaced again. But, I was aware that things were different this time but here I was having the same experience of losing another child to death.

When Shelby was alive I  had heard different people share with me that with enough faith that miracles could happen and Shelby could be healed. I prayed and had faith beyond what I can explain in words.  I did not receive that miracle! I somehow had feelings in the back of my mind that my faith was not great enough. Which of course caused feelings of low self worth.

Then one day a special person came into my life and was listening to my stories of losing my two kids and what she said that day really changed the course of my life. She said, "You must be a special woman to have been trusted with two angel children." Hearing those words spoke directly to the truth that I knew in my heart and had felt but that my low self esteem and mistakes caused me to feel like less.

It's been 20 years since I lost Shealyn and 16 years since I lost Shelby and I'm grateful for all of the growth and learning that I have experienced through the years because of these trials of great loss.

I know that I was not cursed! I know that I am forgiven for my sins. I know that God's grace makes up the difference for all my daily shortcomings.

I'm grateful to have full confidence in God's plan for us,,,even Shealyn and Shelby's plan. I learned that true faith is not just knowing God can, but knowing why sometimes He doesn't. True faith is not just believing that things can work out perfectly and miracles can happen, but trusting when sometimes they don't. True faith is not just receiving your answer, but accepting His.

I have learned to be grateful for each day, each moment, each memory, each chance to choose JOY and HAPPINESS regardless of the trial of the day. I have learned to trust God and define my blessings as anything that would bring me closer to Him.

So actually, I have learned that STRUGGLE causes us to come closer to Him and learn how to become more like Him. It's not that we will love what we are going through and we will surely love for hard things to come to an end. That is normal and OK to feel that way. But, I have learned to look to each trial or hardship as a chance to grow and become more.  And live each day reciting that YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU!

He died on the cross for us and He would not want us to live one day feeling as I did for several years...a worthless, cursed sinner! I have had far too many conversations with people that feel this way and so I wanted to share my experience as I hope that anyone that is living like this will stop and drop to your knees and ask for God to forgive you and move on with what and who you are meant to be.

I'm grateful for hearing someone tell me that I was cursed because it's helped me truly learn more about the precious gift of the atonement and how much our Father in Heaven truly loves us and wants to bless us. But sometimes the miracle is not having our prayers answered and the greatest growth is accepting His will for us.

Find JOY in God's plan for you no matter where you have come from or what you have done!

 YOU ARE NOT YOUR SIN!