A Boring Blog....

Who Cares? Nobody wants to read your blog? You don't get very many comments when you write... So obviously it doesn't matter if you write or not! YOUR BLOG IS BORING! People will think your idea is dumb!  UGH...Go away stupid thoughts...I AM WRITING ANYWAY!

Thank goodness I am not like this 24/7...it is hard on me to be this way! I'd rather stay in my "LIVING ON THE BRIGHT-SIDE" world! hahahaha But, thank goodness it  only lasts one month a year and at least its not everyday!

On top of the racing thoughts I emotionally eat! My mind tells me that  no one likes me and during this one month I actually care if that is true! The one thing that is awesome about me experiencing all of this is because I know people that feel this way all the time and it gives me compassion to understand people and feel what it feels like! I suffer from PTSD! I have chosen to let myself feel it all and have never taken medicine even though it has been recommended many times by a healthcare professional! I believe in feeling it and reach to a higher source to overcome! I pray to my Heavenly Father above for daily relief and I am always blessed! Then September ends and it all goes away and I slip back into Heather again until next September! It always hits early!

YEP...THIS ....IS ....ME..TONIGHT.....RAW!

This time of year can be so challenging for me! My thoughts can be irrational, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment, I appear like I am spaced out due to memories floating on auto pilot 24/7! Really absent-minded (well that is actually all year round hehehe) I'm super sensitive, and my thoughts consume me!  It's so hard to be around people because it sooooo obvious that I am not my normal self!

Grief is hard and it really never ends. It comes every year like clock work. I was hoping that it passed quickly this year but it sneaks up when I least expect it! It isn't convenient and it puts me in a funk!

Loss creates a feeling of emptiness which creates lonliness which creates insecurity and other feelings!

I try to keep myself busy this time of year as to not get to caught up in my thoughts! I believe that Satan knows that I am weak, vulnerable and sensitive so he does all in his power to fill my head with lies! The raw truth is sometimes I believe them! I know the pattern that hits me every year so you would think that I had it all figured out by now and could resist this phase! But for so many years I felt embarrassed to admit what I faced every year! Then one day it hit me! Why am I taking criticism from someone who has never lost a child?

I remember asking my grandma before she died if she ever healed from losing her son and her response validated me! She told me that not a day went by that she didn't think about her son. Some days if she let her memories go too far she could have a tear running down her face out of nowhere!

It is such a physical thing...my body with all of it's amazing senses records the past and triggers my mind to go into a frenzy... so the smells, temperatures and visuals can spark a nerve at any moment!

THE ABOVE IS MY REALITY....BUT I AM A FIGHTER...I AM STRONG...I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING...I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.......

So last year I decided that I was going to GIVE BACK and do something different than just getting through the month!  I decided that I was going to take all this painful energy that comes every year and turn it around for good!

Then the negative thoughts came again... You tried to do something before and you got very little response or feedback so you know its going to fail....BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO HIS LIES!

SO I AM GOING FOR IT! I AM CHOOSING VICTORY! I AM BIGGER THAN MY TRIALS!

Both my kids died on a holiday (Thanksgiving and Halloween)  Shelby died on Halloween day  and I was not in the mood to go out and do the typical festivities! So Hayley and I began a routine of staying home in our pajamas/sweats and handing out candy to all of the cute kids that came to the door! We love it and still do it to this day! Kolby came along and loves Halloween...so he gets to go off with his friends while Hayley and I continue our tradition!

So here is what I decided to do! (And I am sooooo very excited that my dear friend Amylia Coover has joined me in my efforts for this cause).... WE HAVE STARTED A NON-PROFIT BENEFIT CALLED "PAJAMA PAGES" I will be collecting pajamas and books for the kids at Children's Medical Center in Dallas...(where both my babies lived during their lives) Since the kids in the hospital can't go out and take part in the typical festivities of Halloween....I will deliver the pajamas and books on HALLOWEEN DAY! I will also be collecting any monetary donations to purchase the little red wagons that the kids are transported in around the hospital! They are $250 each!

I can't wait to begin this project in memory of my precious angel babies...SHEALYN RENEE' AND SHELBY RAY

I will be writing more tomorrow about pajama pages and where to send donations! I am really excited to launch this! I know that I don't have tons of time to collect this year but you have to start somewhere before anything can become something!

I am finding JOY in my sorrows and doing something to replace the holes and emptiness that this season brings for me! I am choosing to be bigger than my circumstances! I will nip this PTSD out once and for all!

And if I don't get any comments...I will continue writing anyway! This too shall pass...It does every year! Thanks to my daughter Hayley for teaching me how valuable vulnerability is and how empowering it is to just be RAW!

THANKS FOR READING MY BORING BLOG! If you are new to my blog and wondering about my angels you can look through past blogs to read my story!

I looked UP!

The most favorite time of the year is here for so many! The weather has finally changed. It feels so different on my skin than the sun does. I actually love this season too. But as it approaches...So does many memories, emotions and feelings.

The triggers are everywhere! The smells, the weather, the breeze, the pumpkins in every store. Everywhere I turn something triggers memories to flood through my mind. It hits me out of the blue when I least expect it. Through the years I have tried so many things to get through it or overcome it. The truth is that it comes no matter what! Its a part of my life and so this season is never the same for me.

It was never an easy trial to endure losing two of my children. (which with loss you kinda are never done enduring) Each year during this season I am reminded of all that I have become through it all. However, when I least expect my eyes might start leaking!

So the other day I woke up and could tell that that day had hit. My eyes wouldn't stop leaking. Nothing I could do stopped it! Its actually not easy for me to endure this phase because I am not my normal self. Its causes me to be the opposite of everything I normally am! I become pretty reserved and don't really enjoy being around a lot of people! I could be completely normal and all of a sudden a thought will cross my mind and the tears flow. (Yeah, like I said...hard to be around others) People look at me like I am crazy.

Anyway, that morning I had to get out and take Kolby to school and I couldn't hold back the tears. Its like my body has a memory and when the fall hits it just reacts to all that is stored, like clockwork.

I was actually praying for this phase to pass quickly! Yes, of course I am grateful for the flow of  memories and a time to reflect on my sweet babies Shealyn and Shelby.  However, on the emotional side...."Aint not body got time for dat!"


I was on the way back from taking Kolby to school and I was in a school zone with a cop clocking his radar. So like anyone would do, I was watching  the speedometer to make sure I didn't go over 20 mph. I continued through the school zone without a problem. My mind was totally somewhere else thinking of what life would have been like if my cute babies were still alive and a part of our family.  I actually longed for them as this time of year kinda does that to me! I just kinda cried a little more when all of a sudden I happened to LOOK UP!

This is what I saw! Oh WOW! All of a sudden the lyrics to Somewhere Over the Rainbow came across my mind. (which was a song I used to sing to Shealyn.) So I can hardly hear it without some special feelings consuming me and maybe a few tears.  I couldn't help but have a heart full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that moment. I felt so close to my babies for just a moment. For a moment I had a glimpse of that beautiful day when I get to be with them again. For just a moment I felt like I was with them! It was an answer to my prayer! FOR JUST A MOMENT I DIDN'T WANT TIME TO MOVE! It was special!

I always thought that I could control the emotions that this season brings.  But the triggers have a way of taking charge. So, like every year,  I was desiring that the season didn't get me down and that I didn't slip into old bad patterns of grief, like previous years. And with just one look upward... Everything changed!

I drove home and went to my bedroom and knelt down to thank my Heavenly Father for precious moments that were sent to me when all of a sudden my phone started to ring....It was my sweet husband! I hear..."Heather do you think its possible for you to go outside and maybe see what I am seeing?" I immediately knew what he was talking about and he was many miles away. He said, "You gotta see it...It's beautiful, you will love it" He told me it was the most beautiful complete rainbow he had ever seen! He was seeing it start to finish and there was not one but two. He said, it made him think of both our babies!

On this regular weekday morning we both had been blessed!

And of course, I balled! I know that these precious moments are tender mercies straight from The Lord. Oh how my heart was filled with JOY! Oh how happy I am that I looked up!

 I can't help but think of the analogies of choosing to look up! HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR MY LITTLE ANGELS! Oh how happy it makes me feel to know that one day we will be reunited!

My human heart was filled with hope, love and the sweetest visions of "someday"

Find JOY in the hard days and LOOK UP...for that is where we will find healing!

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?

Love you, Shealyn Renee' and Shelby Ray