A Boring Blog....

Who Cares? Nobody wants to read your blog? You don't get very many comments when you write... So obviously it doesn't matter if you write or not! YOUR BLOG IS BORING! People will think your idea is dumb!  UGH...Go away stupid thoughts...I AM WRITING ANYWAY!

Thank goodness I am not like this 24/7...it is hard on me to be this way! I'd rather stay in my "LIVING ON THE BRIGHT-SIDE" world! hahahaha But, thank goodness it  only lasts one month a year and at least its not everyday!

On top of the racing thoughts I emotionally eat! My mind tells me that  no one likes me and during this one month I actually care if that is true! The one thing that is awesome about me experiencing all of this is because I know people that feel this way all the time and it gives me compassion to understand people and feel what it feels like! I suffer from PTSD! I have chosen to let myself feel it all and have never taken medicine even though it has been recommended many times by a healthcare professional! I believe in feeling it and reach to a higher source to overcome! I pray to my Heavenly Father above for daily relief and I am always blessed! Then September ends and it all goes away and I slip back into Heather again until next September! It always hits early!

YEP...THIS ....IS ....ME..TONIGHT.....RAW!

This time of year can be so challenging for me! My thoughts can be irrational, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment, I appear like I am spaced out due to memories floating on auto pilot 24/7! Really absent-minded (well that is actually all year round hehehe) I'm super sensitive, and my thoughts consume me!  It's so hard to be around people because it sooooo obvious that I am not my normal self!

Grief is hard and it really never ends. It comes every year like clock work. I was hoping that it passed quickly this year but it sneaks up when I least expect it! It isn't convenient and it puts me in a funk!

Loss creates a feeling of emptiness which creates lonliness which creates insecurity and other feelings!

I try to keep myself busy this time of year as to not get to caught up in my thoughts! I believe that Satan knows that I am weak, vulnerable and sensitive so he does all in his power to fill my head with lies! The raw truth is sometimes I believe them! I know the pattern that hits me every year so you would think that I had it all figured out by now and could resist this phase! But for so many years I felt embarrassed to admit what I faced every year! Then one day it hit me! Why am I taking criticism from someone who has never lost a child?

I remember asking my grandma before she died if she ever healed from losing her son and her response validated me! She told me that not a day went by that she didn't think about her son. Some days if she let her memories go too far she could have a tear running down her face out of nowhere!

It is such a physical thing...my body with all of it's amazing senses records the past and triggers my mind to go into a frenzy... so the smells, temperatures and visuals can spark a nerve at any moment!

THE ABOVE IS MY REALITY....BUT I AM A FIGHTER...I AM STRONG...I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING...I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.......

So last year I decided that I was going to GIVE BACK and do something different than just getting through the month!  I decided that I was going to take all this painful energy that comes every year and turn it around for good!

Then the negative thoughts came again... You tried to do something before and you got very little response or feedback so you know its going to fail....BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO HIS LIES!

SO I AM GOING FOR IT! I AM CHOOSING VICTORY! I AM BIGGER THAN MY TRIALS!

Both my kids died on a holiday (Thanksgiving and Halloween)  Shelby died on Halloween day  and I was not in the mood to go out and do the typical festivities! So Hayley and I began a routine of staying home in our pajamas/sweats and handing out candy to all of the cute kids that came to the door! We love it and still do it to this day! Kolby came along and loves Halloween...so he gets to go off with his friends while Hayley and I continue our tradition!

So here is what I decided to do! (And I am sooooo very excited that my dear friend Amylia Coover has joined me in my efforts for this cause).... WE HAVE STARTED A NON-PROFIT BENEFIT CALLED "PAJAMA PAGES" I will be collecting pajamas and books for the kids at Children's Medical Center in Dallas...(where both my babies lived during their lives) Since the kids in the hospital can't go out and take part in the typical festivities of Halloween....I will deliver the pajamas and books on HALLOWEEN DAY! I will also be collecting any monetary donations to purchase the little red wagons that the kids are transported in around the hospital! They are $250 each!

I can't wait to begin this project in memory of my precious angel babies...SHEALYN RENEE' AND SHELBY RAY

I will be writing more tomorrow about pajama pages and where to send donations! I am really excited to launch this! I know that I don't have tons of time to collect this year but you have to start somewhere before anything can become something!

I am finding JOY in my sorrows and doing something to replace the holes and emptiness that this season brings for me! I am choosing to be bigger than my circumstances! I will nip this PTSD out once and for all!

And if I don't get any comments...I will continue writing anyway! This too shall pass...It does every year! Thanks to my daughter Hayley for teaching me how valuable vulnerability is and how empowering it is to just be RAW!

THANKS FOR READING MY BORING BLOG! If you are new to my blog and wondering about my angels you can look through past blogs to read my story!