Pumpkins and pumpkin patches, the leaves are turning, the days have cooled down and the world changes focus preparing for the Holiday season that is upon us. For many it is the most favorite season of all. I have fond memories of October and it being my most favorite season of all too. Many years ago my Octobers changed forever. Leaving a much different kind of memory during this season. In a world where October is the beginning of many traditions beginning with Halloween and then Thanksgiving in Novemeber.
When the brisk cool weather hits and the orange pumpkins start to emerge....So does a flood of precious memories. Losing my precious son on a Halloween morning and a daughter on a Thanksgiving morning has left many memories for those days. I have often questioned, "Why on two distinct memorable holiday days?" Those are the days that you can remember what you were doing each year because there are so many traditions attached around those holidays!
I can remember exactly minute to minute what those days were like when I held my son lifeless in my arms that Halloween morning. His sweet spirit had departed his body and there I hold my son Shelby and tried to understand why he had to leave. The same experience for me as I held my daughter Shealyn lifeless in my arms on a Thanksgiving morning that year trying to comprehend the extreme loss that I felt. Nothing has ever come close to those feelings that I felt both mornings 4 years apart. So naturally you could see why I might get a little emotional every year around pumpkin time.
Yes its true that I am not always my normal self during October.... All the reasons that someone loves this season is all the reason that I'm bombarded with memories floating through my mind just like they happened yesterday. I have two children with a different set of experiences and stories through that time to think about every year. I can't help but back off from life a little bit to let the memories and emotions flow.
So WHY AM I SO GLAD I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THERE ARE OCTOBERS?
Well, this is why... even though the losses were hard and painful...I've learned so many things that I never would have learned had I not experienced these trials. Losing two of my children have been lifelong trials because every year the emotions creep back in for a few days (sometimes weeks) and reminds me all over again of the loss that I endured. As I have gotten older I have realized this treasured blessing in OCTOBER! Every year that my memories of losing my precious children is revisited year after year, I am reminded of the everlasting love that out Heavenly Father in Heaven has for me and all of us. I am grateful for the knowledge ot eternal families.
What I learned and CONTINUE TO LEARN FROM THE LOSS OF MY BABIES helps me be a better mom for the two I have here with me. It also helps me be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend... The perspective is treasured! When I realized that my son and daughter were going to die the moments seemed more important and special. I learned how to live in the moment and not miss precious moments. Instead of looking ahead and planning a life ahead for Shelby and Shealyn, I began enjoying every second left with them. Live in the moment and treasure every day! Make every day special in some way! Do something for others every day!
You learn that every day is not guaranteed and to live each day like its your last. Which allows you to focus on whats important and that to me means treating people with love and forgiving them when you are wronged right away. It means loving people unconditionally and loving them where they are in life. It means caring for and helping people any chance you get. It means not wasting your days with non important TV programs, and too many hobbies that aren't of worth. It means never forgetting that we were sent here to be tested and therefore never getting upset when you are going through one of those tests! It means looking on any trial as a chance to grow stronger and more compassionate. It means setting aside that house work if you have the chance to spend time with your children. It means taking time for relationships in your life and it means to not forget about yourself in the mix.
I've learned how important it is to take care of yourself,,,If you don't learn to understand yourself then grief and life's trials can overtake you! Remember your needs and don't say "I'm fine" when you NOT! Don't be afraid to share your sorrows, sadness and weakness with people because they can help you through it! You give others a chance to learn through you and vice versa! Ive learned to do things that make you feel good... I still to this day get pedicures because I remember how healing it was to me when a lady came into the ICU and soaked and rubbed my feet for me. I never forgot how healing that was and still continue to get pedicures to this day!
Ive learned to be patient with my husband because I went through so many emotional hardships that I required patience. It has taught me to be patient with him and never to hold grudges when the wrong things are said! I've learned that we all have heartaches and deal with our emotions differently so it had taught me to be more compassionate to other peoples feelings even when they might express emotions differently than me!
Ive learned to not sweat the small stuff... Life's too short to dwell on small things or to get mad over spilled milk. Be someone that your children or friends can come talk to about anything and realize we are all just trying to grow and endure this life to our best!
Ive learned to not be afraid to show your weaknesses or imperfections! Just be YOU! No one can be YOU as good as YOU can! I will never be normal! I don't even know what normal is! People unfriend me all the time on facebook! My first thought is..."Awe do they not like me" But then I say, Oh well it doesn't matter because I'm just being me and if someone doesn't like something about me then I don't need them in my life! I used to want to be friends with everyone and Ive learned that well that's just not how life is!
Ive learned to love unconditionally and to not judge people! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS CARRYING IN THEIR HEART! So love people wherever they are and reach out and be a friend!
Ive learned most of all to overcome! Ive learned how to find JOY in my journey! Someone asked me the other day "Do you ever get depressed? You are so happy all the time" The truth is yes I get depressed, sad, emotional, upset and so on! I have just learned how to overcome those daily tests! I go to my scriptures, music, go serve someone (my favorite). random acts of kindness (my other favorite), read a book, read an uplifting quote.... I take action and do something good to uplift myself everyday! It keeps you in that HAPPY spot quite often! People usually don't even realize I am going through a hard time...not because i am hiding it but because I realize right off the bat that it is for my good in someway and I embrace it and endure it! Its always pretty on the other side of a trial because you grow and learn and become more compassionate for others!
Ive learned that I fall short everyday of being everything I need to be and that is when I fall to my knees and thank my loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for all the many blessings in my life! I never say, "Why me?" If he has called me to it, He will help my though it and I have witnessed that first hand! I am nothing without Him and I have endured these losses ONLY with his help and example! I try to be more life Him everyday! How grateful I am that I can fall short eveyday and still be complete because of His mercy! Im grateful for the trials that have come into my life cause I wouldn't be who I am today!
I wouldn't wish losing a child on anyone! It has been a lifelong trial of continual enduring as it tests me emotionally every year! But oh how thankful I am for OCTOBERS because I have the chance to pull back from life a little and put down the projects and dreams and just take a hard look at life and be deeply reminded about what matters most and it always refreshes my perspective for the better! I always change for the better after another OCTOBER!
Thank you Shealyn, Hayley, Shelby and Kolby for all that your precious lives have taught me!
Find JOY in OCTOBERS!
