Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sticks and stones....

You never know what each days brings! Today I have a headache that is KILLING me! I took medicine and still have my headache! I laid down for a bit and still have my headache! Then I started feeling anxiety that I couldn't explain! Then I started feeling my heart beating strongly in my chest! Then my subconscious mind and my conscious mind intersect! THE TEARS STARTED TO FLOW! I felt like I was doing good throughout this season of  memories and then out of the blue....IT HITS!

I received a phone call this morning that a friend from church lost their son today! They knew that this was coming....BUT, really there is NO WAY to prepare for this! I have lived it twice! My heart literally HURT FOR THIS MOTHER and family! It pierces my heart every time I hear that another mother has to endure this kind of pain! Even having beautiful knowledge of eternal families and eternal life...We still face the human reality of this kind of trial! It hurts! It just plain hurts! In this moment I just burst into tears knowing what burden this mother was carrying and subsequently caused for me to feel for a moment my own pain as tomorrow marks the day of my sweet Shelby passing! Many have shared with me through the years that one should celebrate, or be happy knowing that they are with Heavenly Father! Of course that brings an insurmountable peace! But the reality is that we don't reside in heaven! We have "natural man" feelings that we feel! I finally in life feel OK to say these things because I have done everything I know to do for MANY YEARS and the feelings STILL COME every year like clockwork! I feel OK to be down a day or two and just let the tears come! It is amazing to me the comments that I have received through the years and today for the first time I am going to share some of them...

"You should get counseling"
"Maybe you are depressed"
"You should be happy"
"Do you take any medicine"
"Just don't think about it"
"You let yourself get like that"
"But, it's been so long ago"

Because of the many things that have been said to me through the years I often found myself subconsciously trying to respond to them all! Somehow I felt like I shouldn't feel the way I felt and didn't realize that when I did feel the pain that I should be stronger or something! Whoever said "STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME"...LIED! It just plain isn't true! Maybe it is true for the person that is in denial about their true feelings! WORDS HURT! The thing is that not one of those people that said any of those things was trying to hurt! They were trying to help! They were trying to show their love! I know that from the bottom of my heart! But it doesn't mean that the words didn't affect or hurt me in some way!

When I think back on my life and realize that I was 19 when I lost my sweet Shealyn...That Thanksgiving afternoon when we were just sitting down to eat Thanksgiving dinner she began to have seizures and later died....My life has never been the same since! Then I think of the beautiful Halloween morning when my precious Shelby took his lasts breaths and the sun was shining through the window! A new chapter again when I hadn't even completely figured out how to be after losing my first child! Not to mention that I had my sweet Hayley in the middle of all that! Oh well, My life each day was new understanding and living and learning and I still am! I don't think I have ever known NORMAL! But I am beyond grateful to have had experiences that cause me to have daily empathy for others.

I LOVE pictures of the sky with sun rays shining through the clouds so much! These pictures represent my life! I have almost always had some huge cloud or storm to face but with my love of Jesus Christ and desire to overcome the mountains that are placed in my path are the rays that shine through...expressing HOPE and FAITH!

I often wondered why I had to lose both of my children on such traditional holidays that have specific and precise memories associated with them! The whole season is a memory! But, I have realized how grateful I am for these memories because it is a CONSTANT reminder of the plan of happiness or the LOVE that our Father in heaven has for each one of us!

I do so good all year long and I take my trials and experiences and try to share what I have learned, give back, and help those in need! I DELIGHT in that actually! But, sometimes despite the positive thinking, the reading inspirational things, the uplifting music, it will NEVER be enough! I'm thankful for these days that remind me that there is ONLY ONE that has already taken my heartache, burdens and pain and I can get on my knees and say, TODAY IS TOO HARD, MY MIND HAS TAKEN ENOUGH, MY HEART IS IN PAIN, I NEED RELIEF....and then the phone rings and I decide to answer....a complete stranger that I have never met on the other line! She said she felt impressed to call me...we talked for 30 minutes and I was able to express to her what was in my heart and she said how grateful she was that our paths crossed! This is a real life miracle! I have learned by opening up and sharing myself that I open up the opportunities for amazing, unique and beautiful experiences to enter into my life even on the hardest of days! I could have chosen to just lay in bed and cry but I decided to open up and write this blog and the phone call came during my writing!  I JUST REALIZED MY HEADACHE IS GONE!

Even in my sadness of grief and loss...I CHOOSE JOY! How can I not smile even through the tears when you realize that your life was meant for a purpose even if you don't know all the reasons why!

Find JOY in the JOURNEY even on the hard days....IT'S POSSIBLE! Open up and don't be afraid of someone seeing your tears...That kind of communication can change lives!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

UNconditional.....

It's so funny how I try and talk myself out of writing even when I love it so much! It is in these moments when the comments that some of you have taken the time to share with me about my blog push me through my self doubt and inspire me to write anyway!

My heart is FULL! As it often is during this time of year! As I sat and thought quietly before I started my fingers to the keys.... the one thing that didnt seem so quiet in my mind was something that is very near and dear to my heart..... Loving UNCONDITIONALLY!  My capacity to love is great and always has been! My mom has shared stories with me telling me how I loved even when I was a little girl!  As I have gotten older I  didnt even always understand how I could love people so deeply! It is easy for me to love! It just comes naturally! I haven't always felt like it was socially acceptable to be so sensitive and loving....believe me I have gotten made fun of through the years that I'm the emotional or sensitive one! But when your heart is BIG....being sensitive just comes along with the territory! I care so deeply! 

Through the years I have seen friendships end over differences of opinions on things like religion, parenting, politics, how someone lives their life, mistakes that people have made, or maybe just because they do things differently or different things are important to them than another! Why do people judge??? Why can't we celebrate the differences that are in each of us? Why can't more people just LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY???




Why can't we just look at someone and love them! Why is it more natural for people to look at someone and size them up instead of trying to get to know them and seek the GOOD!

I remember one day in nursing school I was in Downtown Dallas and I saw a guy at the same bus stop...I think he lived on the streets! His clothes were dirty and he smelled bad! BUT,  I will never forget HIS EYES! I looked in his eyes and I instantly thought, "What happened in his life?" I wondered what kind of pain had he endured and I wondered if he had ever felt love from someone! I smiled at him and he began to cry! I wondered when was the last time he ever saw a smile! He never even asked me for anything! No words were spoken! I have often thought about that man! I could see straight past the smell and his clothes! This is a more extreme example but what about that family member or friend that raises their children way different than you would! What about that way that family member or friend handled a situation! If your first reaction is to judge then that is not being unconditional! Why can't people see right past the issue and love the person!

I have been judged on many different things through my life...I know what it feels like to have judgement placed on you! It used to hurt! I have grown and learned that there will always be someone that thinks you should do something different  or that you should or shouldn't do this or that! You can even love those people!

We are ALL at different places in life and we ALL have different trials that we face....so try to LOVE more freely instead of getting caught up in judgements of others...NO MATTER WHAT!

You should never let the problem be bigger than your love of the person!

As I have watched the election draw near I have witnessed alot of hate and anger amongst people! I have seen relationships end as a result of someones beliefs!

We need to get back the the "GOLDEN RULE" of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you! We need more LOVE! We need more willingness to help another instead of saying well they got themselves into that mess! We need more genuine care instead of saying well that's the world for you! We need more concern instead of saying well I have my own problems! We need more praise instead of assuming it will give someone a big head! We need more compliments instead of assuming one must already know! We need more reaching out instead of thinking you are not gonna waste your time! We need more service instead of thinking your own plate is too full! We need more unconditional love!

Love is such a powerful force especially when shared! Think of the last time someone loved you even when you might not have felt you deserved it! It is powerful!

Spend your time and energy validating someone instead of thinking what you would do different in a situation! Seek the good in others...give people the benefit of the doubt! You will be amazed at your capacity to love ...it will grow! Let go of so many expectations for those in your life and give more acceptance, appreciation, and understanding!

Find JOY in loving others! You can make a difference just by choosing to not place judgement and showing UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The RIGHT place at the RIGHT time!

I am absolutely amazed at the tiny details of our lives and how some of the simplest choices we have to make each day can feel so divinely directed! I don't believe in coincidences!!! Most of the time you never see what good you might do or how you bless a life! But every so often you get the sweet chance to see that you made a difference for someone. This is exciting when the opportunity presents itself because you were in the RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME!!!!

The beauty of this is when you look back on the whole experience and can perfectly see that if you hadn't of made this choice or that choice you wouldn't have been in that place at that very moment! I am always thrilled to see the Lord set me up in a position to do a good thing. I'll explain....

In my car, like most cars I have a warning light that goes off when the gas is low! It also tells you how many miles you have left to drive! Yesterday, it went off at it's normal 50 more miles to drive. Normally I am immediately pulling in to get gas at the first warning! But yesterday, I had a headache and decided I would go home and get gas when I had to get back out to run an errand. I get out to run the errand and I still was not in the mood to get gas. Unlike me! So I didn't! Actually by then the 25 more miles warning came on and I still did not stop! My last errand was to pick up my daughter and I knew there was a gas station right where I was picking her up. So I knew with 25 more miles that it was plenty to get there and I could get gas and all would be well! (I don't recommend because you never know what can happen) Well, I am almost to the gas station and realize that it is the exact time that I am supposed to be there to pick up Hayley. So I pass the gas station and go to get her and then I would get gas! When I pull up...she is not there yet at the same time I get a text that she will be there in 7 minutes! SO PERFECT.... I go around the corner to FINALLY fill her up! I pull into the gas station and was going to pull into this one spot and then for no reason at all decide to drive around and pull into a different spot! I had a selection! Thought nothing of it...proceed to get my card out and begin filling up! I am just standing outside the car watching the traffic waiting for it to finish!

A white truck pulls up on the other side of my pump..A guy gets out of the truck and I can't even see him...I can only hear him (that is how I know it's a guy) I hear..."Well that is so awesome I am so glad that you called! Hey let me hit you right back I am standing here at the pump and I need to get some gas in my truck before I head back" I then notice my gas is almost done. And that's when I hear this loud gasp.... AHHHHH MAN...NO WAY!!! It caught me off guard and I took a couple of steps over to see this man frantically checking his pockets, looking under his seat in his truck and all the while saying NOOOOOOO OH MY GOODNESS...TELL ME THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! He immediately calls someone on his cell phone and I hear..."BEVERLY...are you still at the office??? Can you do me a huge huge favor! I am standing here at the gas pump and I reached in my back pocket for my wallet and it's gone! Can you please go in my office...it's unlocked! GO in my office and PLEASE TELL ME THAT MY WALLET IS ON MY DESK OR ON MY CHAIR! It apparently took Beverly a few minutes to get to his office because I hear him just rambling and answering her questions...No I am in Mesquite and I still got to get back to Ft.Worth! I am sitting on "E" I just can't believe this! My gas is done...But of course, I can't not (yes that is a DOUBLE NEGATIVE) find out if he finds his wallet! LOL Now remember he can't see me at all! Nor would he see anybody because he was so intently trying to locate his wallet! I heard him say to Beverly on the phone....I even had my daughters birthday money in my wallet to give to her tonight! And then I hear...Oh THANK GOD! Thank you Beverly, just put it in my top drawer and close my office door and I will get it later tonight! THANK YOU THANK YOU!

So I immediately looked in my wallet...NO CASH! So I waited to hear him be done with his phone call and I peeped though the pump and showed him my card and said...NEED SOME GAS??? he immediately starts laughing and is soooooo obviously embarrassed! He says, ARE YOU SERIOUS?  WAS I THAT LOUD? OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! I said, well we all have a moment like this at some point...I know I have! He again says...ARE YOU SURE? OH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I said well I only have a card but let me get you going! You get what you need! I could tell how embarrassed he felt because he kept putting his hand to his forehead and shaking his head like he just couldn't believe this was happening! That some lady was having to pay for his gas because he had no money! I looked at him and said, Please let me do this for you...This is my pleasure to observe then serve! (Those were the actual words that were in my head...observe then serve) I'm grateful to have been right where I was and have the chance to help! He then looks at me and says THANK YOU SO MUCH...I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE DOING THIS! I WILL ONLY GET $10 OK? I said get what you need...it's fine! Then he said...THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING I AM NOT TELLING A SOUL THAT THIS HAPPENED! I looked at the man and said, Why not??? THIS IS TOO EMBARRASSING! I said oh you should totally tell this story.... You never know who you might touch and inspire by sharing your story! This gives me a story to tell too! He looked at me and his whole demeanor changed...HE CALMED AND SAID, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT! THEN HE LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED WITH A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TONE AND SAID THANK YOU, HE EXTENDS HIS HAND AND SAYS I'M JAYLEN...I said, I'm Heather! HE SAID HEATHER...I WON'T LET YOU DOWN! I AM GONNA PAY IT FORWARD AND I'M GONNA TELL ALL MY EMPLOYEES ABOUT THIS AND WE ARE GONNA HAVE A PAY IT FORWARD DAY ONCE A MONTH FROM NOW ON! HEATHER... I WON'T FORGET YOU! THANK YOU! I looked at him and smiled and said, WOW! THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME HELP!

I drove off and he drove off! I felt SOOOO GREAT INSIDE! I almost forgot that I was supposed to pick up my daughter! I did get to her a few minutes late! All I could do was go back through my day and think of all the choices that I had made that day that put me at that gas pump at that exact moment! I thought about how I usually have cash and would have probably just handed him a $20 and been on my way! But because I didn't I had to use my card and wait for him to finish pumping my gas so I could get my receipt! Because of that we had time to have all of that dialogue! I think about who he was because I will never know more than that he lost his wallet and he is a boss and has some employees! I don't even know what he does or what he is like! All I know is that it must have been the right timing for him to be humbled and open to letting some stranger lady at the gas pump help him out! I could tell that he was very excited about sharing this story with his employees and setting up his PAY IT FORWARD days! I was touched by this experience and inspired by it! We don't realize who God is waiting to place in our paths each day! I may never know what comes of this for this man but I can tell his eyes were opened to a new idea! I am grateful for this whole situation! To think that I was guided to that pump at that moment suggests that my headache was even a part of the whole thing! I am humbled every time I witness tender mercies and daily miracles in such a simple thing as paying for someones gas!

Find JOY in paying it forward! Find JOY in taking opportunities to serve after you observe a situation! Find JOY in the few chances that you actually get to see that your actions and words can make a difference! Find JOY in your daily choices as you never know what miracle they might be leading you too! AND LASTLY, FIND JOY WAITING TO SEE WHO IS GOING TO BE SENT IN YOUR PATH.....Thank you, Mr. Jaylen! Chance meeting!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The "C" word!

It is amazing to me how we tune out the things that we fear! I have learned that you might not even realize that you are running from something! I am always learning and discovering new things by choice. However, sometimes I learn something that I didn't even realize I was learning until I've learned it! HAHAHAHA So profound! Yeah...go ahead and read that one again!

So my daughter, Hayley wears glasses/contacts and has needed to go back to the doctor because she was about 6 months overdue. Our insurance changed so I was delayed because I needed to find a new doctor and well actually I just procrastinated. Anyway, I finally called and scheduled her appointment and thought well since I am taking her I should go ahead and schedule Kolby too! He has always had 20/20 and does not even need glasses! However, I like to still have them checked just in case. Of course that voice in the back of my head ...you know like your subconscious and your conscious mind thing. So my conscious mind is telling me that I should schedule an appointment for myself and my subconscious is acting like it didn't even hear that! Anyway, subconscious wins! I didn't schedule myself!

Even that morning before the appointment Hayley asks me if I made myself an appointment! Of course, I responded Nah...not this time! I will do it another day!

So we get to the doctor and both kids go through their entire appointments and all of a sudden I start shaking my leg and feeling anxiety. Hayley notices and asks me what is wrong! I started tearing up! She is like Mom what the heck....Are you OK? It was then that I realized that I obviously wasn't OK! I looked at her and said I need to be seen! I have been dodging it for 3 years now! So I immediately ask the girl if they can work me in! She says, YES we can! SO I sit and wait!

So you are thinking whats the BIG deal! Well, this is why! About 3 years ago I had taken my kids to the doctor for a routine checkup! The Dr. randomly makes the comment that she is surprised at Hayley's prescription since her father and I both have 20/20 sight! I respond to that saying, Yep, I have always had great sight I just have this little thing on my eyelid but that has been there all my life! She says, Oh really! Can I take a look at it? Oh sure! She looks, then she has another Dr. come in and look! They leave the room and come back in and say...Mrs. Earl we think you might want to have another doctor look at this! What you have on your eyelid is a tumor! It really needs to be looked at by a specialist! I said OK...not really thinking much of anything because I know it had always been there with no problems! Well, the card she gave me and told me to call was an ocular oncologist!
Still wasn't alarmed! Obviously, I just needed to get it checked and be done with it! So I scheduled!

I am driving to this appointment and can remember the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and realized that I wasn't so relaxed about it anymore! What if it was something?

So the Dr. comes in and I realize that he is the oncology specialist! He looks at my eye with several different telescopes and lights! He is giving all of this medical verbiage to the nurse who is writing like crazy!

He then tells me Mrs. Earl... YOU'VE GOT CANCER! I only remember feeling numb! I was speechless! He says I know that is alot to take in and we will educate you of all of your options! But we need to schedule surgery ASAP! I then remember asking ARE YOU SURE? I am now sobbing and tingling from head to toe! I can't believe it! He tells me that he has been doing this for many years and he knows what he is looking at! He says this is BASAL CELL CARCINOMA!
All I could do is cry! I was alone in the room with the nurse and the Dr and I have just been told I have CANCER! I wish that on NO ONE! I was then left in the room alone for awhile! I will NEVER forget the next 15 minutes! I had some of the saddest thoughts I think I have ever experienced! It was LOSS from a whole new perspective! I knew what it felt like to lose my children but thinking about my children and my husband losing me was no fun! I had no idea what to expect as far as recovery...I guess because of my experience i have faced....all I could think about was dying! I had so many mixed emotions!  All I could do was cry!

Well then they schedule my surgery and seat me in this other room and I waited for another doctor! This doctor comes in and introduces himself as the plastic surgeon! My mouth drops as he explains what my OPTIONS are! OH MY GOODNESS! You are kidding me RIGHT! I had 3 options which all depended on what the tests showed after they remove the tumor from my eyelid and how far reaching the cancer had spread!

So this is what was explained to me as my BEST CASE SCENARIO...... They will cut out the tumor and the get all of the cancer! Which will require for them to cut underneath my eye (kinda like the cheek area) and pull up the skin covering my eye reaching up to my eyelid and leave it sewn shut for 6 MONTHS! Yes I said 6 months! This will ensure that the the blood vessels grow and allow for me to still have my sight! I would have no eyelashes and probably no eyebrow for the rest of my life! But he then starts talking about eyelash and eyebrow implants! Which would be on a deformed eyelid! It was just all too much! I asked him for a glass of water cause my mouth was dry as cotton balls! I told him I was not prepared to hear option 2 or 3! They left the room for a few minutes to give me some regrouping moments! Which was not even possible! How do you regroup from this??? So upon his return....option 2  no eyesight and option 3 no eye! Also option 2 and 3 still included option 1! Because of the twitching and blurriness that I had in that eye unfortunately he suspected that it was either option 2 or 3!

So I left that appointment in slow motion! The surgery was scheduled for 2 days later! I called Shay and explained to him and he was speechless! All I could do was cry! He was at work and attempted to meet me but I couldn't quit crying and could not even drive! He talked to me until I calmed down!

So it's the day of my surgery and one of my dearest friends, Susy drives me to my surgery! I can't even describe my feelings! I remember the pain I felt because Shay did not take off of work to take me (as he still apologizes for but I now understand that that was his way of dealing with it was to not be there) Well, they called me back and they get me all prepared and begin to numb my eye! Which that hurt BAD! I can still see the needle coming for my eye! All of a sudden, this doctor comes in that I had not seen before with the other doctor that explained all of my options! He proceeds to tell me that he feels strongly that they should do a biopsy first! Which meant just get a piece of the tumor from my eyelid and test it before they prepared for all of the other stuff! I said whatever you feel is best! So since my eyeball is completely still from the numbing shot they proceed to cut the tumor from my eyelid! Then I WAIT! He comes back in and says they have sent it off to the lab and they will call me! Well, I get my captain hook eye patch and I go home and WAIT SOME MORE! I finally get word that it was a BENIGN TUMOR! That I would need to have it checked every 6 months!

I fell to my knees with gratitude! This whole thing was quite a traumatic experience! Now back to my story at the eye doctor the other day! I realized that I had not been back to the doctor every 6 months like I was told and so I was so afraid to let the doctor look at me as I never wanted to go through that again! But how silly to think that just because I wasn't gonna be seen didn't mean one bit that it could never be cancer! Well, the doctor calls my name and I walk in and he says they were gonna get some extra pictures of my eye and eyelid! He looks through the microscope and tells me that everything looks normal! I WAS SO RELIEVED! I even asked him was he sure that the tumor on my eyelid looked OK and he reassured me that it did! ALL THESE YEARS I FEARED! And just like that...I'm told that everything looks fine! I can breathe now!

I still to this day have SO MUCH compassion for anyone that hears those words and especially the people that don't get to hear what I was blessed to hear and spared from having to endure! My heart goes out to all of the beautiful people that have had to carry the burden and go through the trial of CANCER!

This lesson made me think about what other things could I possibly be hiding from just because I didn't want to entertain the thoughts and not have to deal with something! I actually thought of something! I was so excited to realize that I have grown from this whole experience! I am always grateful to uncover weakness because that only means that it is now possible to turn it into a strength!

I really didn't have JOY from this whole experience until the end when I realized how grateful I was to not have to endure what could have been! That was a JOYFUL moment that I also will never forget! I have though found JOY in deepening my compassion and experiencing what it felt like to be told that you have CANCER!

Find JOY in learning lessons that come from the scariest situations!  Also find JOY in your experiences of life because you will be stronger from every single hard experience that you encounter!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Season's of life!

I really do love all the different seasons!

I CAN NEVER DECIDE WHICH ONE IS MY FAVORITE!

 I guess I actually just enjoy the best of what each season gives!


 SUMMER TIME....

I love the summer! Sunshine, water, music and swimming as much as you can!

Listening to music while layin out at the pool. Getting icee's. Hot sun and cold water....Man it's just hard to beat! Road trips with the kids! Stayin up watching movies and getting up to do it all over again!


 SPRING TIME....

 I love the spring! I love the gentle breeze. I love the birds singing. I love the cleaning with the windows open. I love sitting outside and reading a book. I love taking walks to the pond. I also love to sit outside and listen to Jim Brickman!


AUTUMN TIME...


I love the Fall....even though it doesn't last a very long time in Texas! The fall in Texas is similar weather to our springtime! However the colors of the leaves are different! I enjoy some of the same activities as Spring. Reading outside, taking walks, sitting outside just visiting with my husband or kids! It has become a cherished time because we just talk!
 
 
 
WINTER TIME...
 Actually, I love the winter too! Trips to Starbucks for hot chocolate and pay for the person in line behind us! The excitement on the kid's faces as we drive off is priceless! Of course, it is the beginning of the holiday season too! If we get a day or two of snow, we always make the best of it! We go to the movies and then drive around looking at lights and drinking hot chocolate and listening to Christmas music! Love ALL OF IT!
 
There are some other seasons too! THE SEASONS OF LIFE! I can't say that I have always enjoyed some of these seasons in my life! I'm in one of those seasons right now! Since my son, Shelby died on Halloween day and my daughter, Shealyn (I just love saying their names) died on Thanksgiving day; every year for about a couple of weeks in October a SEASON OF LIFE comes.
 
I used to not have a clue what was happening to me every year around this time! But of course with time you grow and learn. You also understand yourself as each year allows for more reflection and insight.
 
This is the time of year I lived many months with both of my kids (in different years, of course) and gained many many memories. It never fails at the beginning of the season when I walk into Walmart and the pumpkins are out it is an immediate tear flow. I have learned to control that a little better now! However, it hits me later and I just need a good cry! It is like a movie player is going off in my mind and the pumpkins and orange fall decorations is what triggers the memories and film clips in my mind. I used to be a basket case and found it hard to even be around people. As I was never sure what would trigger the tears. I could see a mom holding a child and picture me holding my babies. I could see a stroller and remember taking them to the zoo or pushing them in the hospital in the red wagon to and from treatments. I can feel the cooler weather come in and have very specific memories that don't come any other time of year. I might hear a song and just start balling. I can pass a Taco Bell and think of my brother that came without fail everyday to eat lunch with me downstairs in the hospital month after month. I can even remember that he ordered extra sour cream on his burritos. (Definitely a treasured memory) The memories go on and on! Wow...so many, many memories!
 
Unless you know me and understand what this time of year represents for me it is hard to be around me. Any other time of year people are used to seeing me  with a smile or laughing. But during this time of year for a couple of weeks I am more reserved! I used to think I was depressed. But what I have learned is that it is a normal cycle or season of life for me. I absolutely love the flow of memories. I love feeling connected to my sweet angel babies which also makes me feel exceptionally close to my Heavenly Father. I have grown to appreciate this season as I can reflect on beautiful memories and continue to learn from the great loss that i have experienced and continue to endure. I think of them all everyday but this time I actually get to go through the tiny details of their lives...even though that time was short...they are still very much...CHERISHED! I learn something new every year! I become stronger every year! I learn to appreciate my loss more every year! Even though one of the side effects of this time is that I feel lonely, I am still grateful for the season!

 
SHELBY RAY EARL ~ May 21, 1998 to October 31, 1998 
(in the black socks)
SHEALYN RENEE EARL ~ July 18, 1994 to November 24, 1994
(in the white socks)
 
I love you my precious angels! I am finding JOY in the SEASONS of LIFE!
Strive to find the BEST of what each season of your life may bring!
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The PLAN!!!!

It has been awhile since I have written! Oh how I have missed the keys! So much in my heart and so much to say! Tonight I am overwhelmed in my thoughts!

Have you ever heard a song that spoke the words right out of your heart and mouth?
Well, the song "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks was the one for me!


"I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go; "


You see, Shay and I felt very impressed that we should move! We lived in the same house for 15 years! Same house, same community, same jobs, same everything for that entire time! We decided to act on our promptings and take a huge leap of faith to change everything! And we did! We had a packed house in 1 week and completely prepped house for sale in the next 2 weeks! With a ton of set backs along the way! We had picked out our house to build and signed the contract and now we just wait for the house to sell!!! Like the song said we had it all mapped out...knew just where we wanted to go! We were hopeful and faithful for a sale.  I retired from my job and was ready to take on a new chapter of life with an entire new beginning! I was ready and excited!


"But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road."


I had no idea how hard this move was going to be! I remember feeling like I was visiting when I went into the Walmart to shop! I was in a new ward at church after growing up around my old ward, the kids left everything they knew, all of Kolby's neighborhood friends that he had grown up with, and Hayley's best friend that lived right behind us! We felt like we were in a fog! The kids were struggling and  being stretched with the growing pains! And just when we felt like we were beginning to feel settled we were hit by an F3 tornado. We found ourselves living in a hotel for almost 5 months! Not exactly how I saw the plan!

"I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;

Brokenhearted I started climbin', "

I am naturally an optimistic person, but as the days went on and I took on the pains of my family it got harder and harder! I searched for a way over, under, and around but it was so big I could not see past it! The financial burden alone was great! The daily trials that we encountered from livin in a public place were tremendous! We saw things we never should have seen! Even though I was making the best of everyday I was still experiencing anxiety and many teary nights!  I knew that the Lord never gives us more than we can bear and so I went forward each day...
"Brokenhearted and I started climbin"

"And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;"


Many fears popped up that I never had experienced before...I began to ask myself if we had heard right and questioned if we were ever supposed to move? I had doubts continue to flood my mind...What if our house never sells and we did all of this in vain. And much pain....we were a family of 4 with all very different personalities within 4 walls! Now, we are pretty close but this is a challenge for anyone! We were struggling!

"I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak"


I remember some specific thoughts that I had! I was originally praying that this situation would end and that we would be relieved of our burdens! But then I began to realize that I wasn't using that optimistic spirit that I was born with! Instead I had given into fear, doubt and getting down because of the pain! I finally realized what I was doing! And even my kids were repeating all of the normal things that I used to say to them! They used my own teachings and positive philosophies on me...Oh how I loved this! To see them  lift me up and help me see the good when I had been overcome by the burden I was asked to carry! It changed me! How quickly i was reminded that I could turn this whole situation into a memorable one and truly become better because of it!

"The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
"

Through the tears and sleepless nights the grace that I began to feel was amazing when I changed my mindset! This was remarkable to me! The burden became a treasure! A unique time to really learn some valuable lessons! My faith grew! I was watching my children bond and doing more for one another. They helped each other taking the laundry to wash and would get creative with ways to entertain themselves! Working together on just about everything!  We were without meals to cook, no TV much less a DVR, internet connection was terrible, we basically were sitting on one another, we had to wash laundry on another floor and pay for it too, we had one bathroom with a teenage daughter, the list goes on and on of inconveniences and trials!

"used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground."



HOWEVER, it became some of my most treasured blessings! I remember the day that I felt we should turn around and move back into the house we were trying to sell! Two days later after that thought...IT SOLD! I saw that even though "MY PLAN" wasn't working that He has a design for us that sometimes we just have to sit back and watch Him work! I was totally PLAN-LESS I was walking by faith! I truly look back on those 5 months and cherish the memories! Its not often that you get a chance like that to be taken kind of away from the world and given a chance to focus on whats important without any distraction! We were in each others faces every day and some of the best memories and blessings came from living within those 4 walls!

"Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

So, I am grateful that I learned to find joy when the plans didn't go the way we expected! I'm grateful to have been taken through the storm to learn that my trials were tender mercies in disguise!
I'm grateful to see this view and see the beautiful changes that came to my family only through the hardships! It's kinda of cool to be excited to cook dinner again for my family or do the laundry so often that it never stacks up or leavin the TV off to just talk or take walks! I'm thankful to have had this paradigm shift!

Find joy when the plan fails because it might just be His mercies in disguise!

I learned to find JOY in the BEAUTIFUL HEARTBREAK! Here is the Beautiful song! ENJOY!