The "C" word!

It is amazing to me how we tune out the things that we fear! I have learned that you might not even realize that you are running from something! I am always learning and discovering new things by choice. However, sometimes I learn something that I didn't even realize I was learning until I've learned it! HAHAHAHA So profound! Yeah...go ahead and read that one again!

So my daughter, Hayley wears glasses/contacts and has needed to go back to the doctor because she was about 6 months overdue. Our insurance changed so I was delayed because I needed to find a new doctor and well actually I just procrastinated. Anyway, I finally called and scheduled her appointment and thought well since I am taking her I should go ahead and schedule Kolby too! He has always had 20/20 and does not even need glasses! However, I like to still have them checked just in case. Of course that voice in the back of my head ...you know like your subconscious and your conscious mind thing. So my conscious mind is telling me that I should schedule an appointment for myself and my subconscious is acting like it didn't even hear that! Anyway, subconscious wins! I didn't schedule myself!

Even that morning before the appointment Hayley asks me if I made myself an appointment! Of course, I responded Nah...not this time! I will do it another day!

So we get to the doctor and both kids go through their entire appointments and all of a sudden I start shaking my leg and feeling anxiety. Hayley notices and asks me what is wrong! I started tearing up! She is like Mom what the heck....Are you OK? It was then that I realized that I obviously wasn't OK! I looked at her and said I need to be seen! I have been dodging it for 3 years now! So I immediately ask the girl if they can work me in! She says, YES we can! SO I sit and wait!

So you are thinking whats the BIG deal! Well, this is why! About 3 years ago I had taken my kids to the doctor for a routine checkup! The Dr. randomly makes the comment that she is surprised at Hayley's prescription since her father and I both have 20/20 sight! I respond to that saying, Yep, I have always had great sight I just have this little thing on my eyelid but that has been there all my life! She says, Oh really! Can I take a look at it? Oh sure! She looks, then she has another Dr. come in and look! They leave the room and come back in and say...Mrs. Earl we think you might want to have another doctor look at this! What you have on your eyelid is a tumor! It really needs to be looked at by a specialist! I said OK...not really thinking much of anything because I know it had always been there with no problems! Well, the card she gave me and told me to call was an ocular oncologist!
Still wasn't alarmed! Obviously, I just needed to get it checked and be done with it! So I scheduled!

I am driving to this appointment and can remember the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and realized that I wasn't so relaxed about it anymore! What if it was something?

So the Dr. comes in and I realize that he is the oncology specialist! He looks at my eye with several different telescopes and lights! He is giving all of this medical verbiage to the nurse who is writing like crazy!

He then tells me Mrs. Earl... YOU'VE GOT CANCER! I only remember feeling numb! I was speechless! He says I know that is alot to take in and we will educate you of all of your options! But we need to schedule surgery ASAP! I then remember asking ARE YOU SURE? I am now sobbing and tingling from head to toe! I can't believe it! He tells me that he has been doing this for many years and he knows what he is looking at! He says this is BASAL CELL CARCINOMA!
All I could do is cry! I was alone in the room with the nurse and the Dr and I have just been told I have CANCER! I wish that on NO ONE! I was then left in the room alone for awhile! I will NEVER forget the next 15 minutes! I had some of the saddest thoughts I think I have ever experienced! It was LOSS from a whole new perspective! I knew what it felt like to lose my children but thinking about my children and my husband losing me was no fun! I had no idea what to expect as far as recovery...I guess because of my experience i have faced....all I could think about was dying! I had so many mixed emotions!  All I could do was cry!

Well then they schedule my surgery and seat me in this other room and I waited for another doctor! This doctor comes in and introduces himself as the plastic surgeon! My mouth drops as he explains what my OPTIONS are! OH MY GOODNESS! You are kidding me RIGHT! I had 3 options which all depended on what the tests showed after they remove the tumor from my eyelid and how far reaching the cancer had spread!

So this is what was explained to me as my BEST CASE SCENARIO...... They will cut out the tumor and the get all of the cancer! Which will require for them to cut underneath my eye (kinda like the cheek area) and pull up the skin covering my eye reaching up to my eyelid and leave it sewn shut for 6 MONTHS! Yes I said 6 months! This will ensure that the the blood vessels grow and allow for me to still have my sight! I would have no eyelashes and probably no eyebrow for the rest of my life! But he then starts talking about eyelash and eyebrow implants! Which would be on a deformed eyelid! It was just all too much! I asked him for a glass of water cause my mouth was dry as cotton balls! I told him I was not prepared to hear option 2 or 3! They left the room for a few minutes to give me some regrouping moments! Which was not even possible! How do you regroup from this??? So upon his return....option 2  no eyesight and option 3 no eye! Also option 2 and 3 still included option 1! Because of the twitching and blurriness that I had in that eye unfortunately he suspected that it was either option 2 or 3!

So I left that appointment in slow motion! The surgery was scheduled for 2 days later! I called Shay and explained to him and he was speechless! All I could do was cry! He was at work and attempted to meet me but I couldn't quit crying and could not even drive! He talked to me until I calmed down!

So it's the day of my surgery and one of my dearest friends, Susy drives me to my surgery! I can't even describe my feelings! I remember the pain I felt because Shay did not take off of work to take me (as he still apologizes for but I now understand that that was his way of dealing with it was to not be there) Well, they called me back and they get me all prepared and begin to numb my eye! Which that hurt BAD! I can still see the needle coming for my eye! All of a sudden, this doctor comes in that I had not seen before with the other doctor that explained all of my options! He proceeds to tell me that he feels strongly that they should do a biopsy first! Which meant just get a piece of the tumor from my eyelid and test it before they prepared for all of the other stuff! I said whatever you feel is best! So since my eyeball is completely still from the numbing shot they proceed to cut the tumor from my eyelid! Then I WAIT! He comes back in and says they have sent it off to the lab and they will call me! Well, I get my captain hook eye patch and I go home and WAIT SOME MORE! I finally get word that it was a BENIGN TUMOR! That I would need to have it checked every 6 months!

I fell to my knees with gratitude! This whole thing was quite a traumatic experience! Now back to my story at the eye doctor the other day! I realized that I had not been back to the doctor every 6 months like I was told and so I was so afraid to let the doctor look at me as I never wanted to go through that again! But how silly to think that just because I wasn't gonna be seen didn't mean one bit that it could never be cancer! Well, the doctor calls my name and I walk in and he says they were gonna get some extra pictures of my eye and eyelid! He looks through the microscope and tells me that everything looks normal! I WAS SO RELIEVED! I even asked him was he sure that the tumor on my eyelid looked OK and he reassured me that it did! ALL THESE YEARS I FEARED! And just like that...I'm told that everything looks fine! I can breathe now!

I still to this day have SO MUCH compassion for anyone that hears those words and especially the people that don't get to hear what I was blessed to hear and spared from having to endure! My heart goes out to all of the beautiful people that have had to carry the burden and go through the trial of CANCER!

This lesson made me think about what other things could I possibly be hiding from just because I didn't want to entertain the thoughts and not have to deal with something! I actually thought of something! I was so excited to realize that I have grown from this whole experience! I am always grateful to uncover weakness because that only means that it is now possible to turn it into a strength!

I really didn't have JOY from this whole experience until the end when I realized how grateful I was to not have to endure what could have been! That was a JOYFUL moment that I also will never forget! I have though found JOY in deepening my compassion and experiencing what it felt like to be told that you have CANCER!

Find JOY in learning lessons that come from the scariest situations!  Also find JOY in your experiences of life because you will be stronger from every single hard experience that you encounter!