I received a phone call this morning that a friend from church lost their son today! They knew that this was coming....BUT, really there is NO WAY to prepare for this! I have lived it twice! My heart literally HURT FOR THIS MOTHER and family! It pierces my heart every time I hear that another mother has to endure this kind of pain! Even having beautiful knowledge of eternal families and eternal life...We still face the human reality of this kind of trial! It hurts! It just plain hurts! In this moment I just burst into tears knowing what burden this mother was carrying and subsequently caused for me to feel for a moment my own pain as tomorrow marks the day of my sweet Shelby passing! Many have shared with me through the years that one should celebrate, or be happy knowing that they are with Heavenly Father! Of course that brings an insurmountable peace! But the reality is that we don't reside in heaven! We have "natural man" feelings that we feel! I finally in life feel OK to say these things because I have done everything I know to do for MANY YEARS and the feelings STILL COME every year like clockwork! I feel OK to be down a day or two and just let the tears come! It is amazing to me the comments that I have received through the years and today for the first time I am going to share some of them...
"You should get counseling"
"Maybe you are depressed"
"You should be happy"
"Do you take any medicine"
"Just don't think about it"
"You let yourself get like that"
"But, it's been so long ago"
Because of the many things that have been said to me through the years I often found myself subconsciously trying to respond to them all! Somehow I felt like I shouldn't feel the way I felt and didn't realize that when I did feel the pain that I should be stronger or something! Whoever said "STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES, BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME"...LIED! It just plain isn't true! Maybe it is true for the person that is in denial about their true feelings! WORDS HURT! The thing is that not one of those people that said any of those things was trying to hurt! They were trying to help! They were trying to show their love! I know that from the bottom of my heart! But it doesn't mean that the words didn't affect or hurt me in some way!
When I think back on my life and realize that I was 19 when I lost my sweet Shealyn...That Thanksgiving afternoon when we were just sitting down to eat Thanksgiving dinner she began to have seizures and later died....My life has never been the same since! Then I think of the beautiful Halloween morning when my precious Shelby took his lasts breaths and the sun was shining through the window! A new chapter again when I hadn't even completely figured out how to be after losing my first child! Not to mention that I had my sweet Hayley in the middle of all that! Oh well, My life each day was new understanding and living and learning and I still am! I don't think I have ever known NORMAL! But I am beyond grateful to have had experiences that cause me to have daily empathy for others.
I LOVE pictures of the sky with sun rays shining through the clouds so much! These pictures represent my life! I have almost always had some huge cloud or storm to face but with my love of Jesus Christ and desire to overcome the mountains that are placed in my path are the rays that shine through...expressing HOPE and FAITH!
I often wondered why I had to lose both of my children on such traditional holidays that have specific and precise memories associated with them! The whole season is a memory! But, I have realized how grateful I am for these memories because it is a CONSTANT reminder of the plan of happiness or the LOVE that our Father in heaven has for each one of us!
I do so good all year long and I take my trials and experiences and try to share what I have learned, give back, and help those in need! I DELIGHT in that actually! But, sometimes despite the positive thinking, the reading inspirational things, the uplifting music, it will NEVER be enough! I'm thankful for these days that remind me that there is ONLY ONE that has already taken my heartache, burdens and pain and I can get on my knees and say, TODAY IS TOO HARD, MY MIND HAS TAKEN ENOUGH, MY HEART IS IN PAIN, I NEED RELIEF....and then the phone rings and I decide to answer....a complete stranger that I have never met on the other line! She said she felt impressed to call me...we talked for 30 minutes and I was able to express to her what was in my heart and she said how grateful she was that our paths crossed! This is a real life miracle! I have learned by opening up and sharing myself that I open up the opportunities for amazing, unique and beautiful experiences to enter into my life even on the hardest of days! I could have chosen to just lay in bed and cry but I decided to open up and write this blog and the phone call came during my writing! I JUST REALIZED MY HEADACHE IS GONE!
Even in my sadness of grief and loss...I CHOOSE JOY! How can I not smile even through the tears when you realize that your life was meant for a purpose even if you don't know all the reasons why!
Find JOY in the JOURNEY even on the hard days....IT'S POSSIBLE! Open up and don't be afraid of someone seeing your tears...That kind of communication can change lives!
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