I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). through the years. I was diagnosed many years after losing my second child. Although, I know that I experienced it after losing my first child, but at the time I didn't understand what was happening! No one enjoys admitting that they deal with a mental health issue but as a Life coach and having many conversations with different people, I have learned that most people deal with some kind of issue. If you have ever dealt with depression...that too is a mental health issue. Instead of being embarrassed to talk about it...EMBRACE IT! That is the best way to take steps to move past it, or cope with it better. And who knows... by opening up and sharing your "stuff" you may inspire someone else to open up about their "stuff" and together you both heal or move forward. After speaking with two dear friends in the very same week that have recently been diagnosed with PTSD... I decided to speak out about it. 
Let me take you in my mind when PTSD is having it's hay day...
Its a normal day back when Hayley and Kolby were young. I had to run an errand. So I go and put both kids in their car seats. We are traveling down the road when all of a sudden someone slams on their brakes. No big deal right? You hit your brakes too and make the car stop. With PTSD the mind kinda keeps going in these "nightmarish" moments. I slam on my brakes..we are stopped but in my mind the kids fly out of their car seats and break the windshields and I get out of the car and run to them to find them dead and then my mind goes through an entire funeral and burial. I then get a grip on my mind realizing that all of those thoughts happened in a matter of seconds and my conscious mind knows that this isn't real. The problem comes in because the subconscious mind doesn't exactly know that its not real yet... So all of the emotions that one would feel and go through with that terrible accident feel very real. I have countless episodes that I could share but this one came to mind.
Thankfully, I dealt with it so much right after my kids died that I gained alot of practice on how to get my conscious and subconscious mind aligned and get back to normal life! But imagine that happening all throughout the day! For several years it did! Through the years, I became a pro at dealing with it and no one even knew that I was having an episode. (Well, maybe closer friends and family did)
Bottom line, its no fun! Fast forward to NOW! With the exciting news of Jose being accepted to Texas Tech and them moving to Lubbock in a few short months. Something happened to me inside. It was like the biggest trigger that I have ever felt. Losing the child before and after Hayley... needless to say; she filled many "holes" that Shay and I had. Whether it was healthy or subconsciously unhealthy; we did the best we could with where we were through the years! We didn't have all of the answers on how to survive losing two of our children.
With the recent knowledge that Hayley will be leaving set me into the worst two weeks dealing with PTSD I have ever experienced. I buried her a thousand times in my "day"mares. I prayed, I pleaded, I prayed some more. All the techniques that I had become a pro at using didn't work. I couldn't get it to go away. I didn't want to put a damper on the good news and excitement that we all felt, so I didn't share it with anyone in my family. They had no idea. (which is unlike me to not share) I just couldn't get it to stop. And I refused to steal any joy that they were experiencing with my issues. So I just endured.
I know that it is normal for a child to grow up and move on and spread their wings and fly! I have ALWAYS supported and encouraged that. But now that it was happening for real, my heart couldn't handle it! I realized that Hayley leaving opened up every single wound that I have ever felt through all of the losses I have experienced. I realized that her precious birth and the chance to keep her here on earth with us filled up many of those wounds. I have spent years healing from loss but there never really is an end...(well, until Christ comes again) But, you know what I mean!
Many have said to me "that I will be fine" and yes I know that it is true. But, her leaving wasn't your typical child growing up and leaving...it was much deeper than that.
Hayley and I have been connected at the hip for her entire life. Of course, with moments that we wanted to kill each other between 11 and 13! (Not literally, of course) She is my best friend. Since she home schooled we literally have shared every single day together (with the exception of when I traveled). Especially the last 5 as she has grown into the beautiful woman that she is now... we have created daily memories. We have always been close but through the years she has become my dearest, most special best friend. (Of course, Shay is too) But to have the kind of relationship that we have will be hard to live without in our daily lives.
I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel. Through my prayers, I have learned alot! I have realized that these two weeks even though hard, were extremely healing. I haven't gone to those places in my mind in many years. I truly believe that this gave me a chance to clear out some holes that were pushed away through the years that I wasn't even aware were there. I have had the chance to fill those holes with the proper things. I have been able to feed my mind with words of the Savior that we are never alone and that every loss will be made up to us in the eternities. I also learned to love myself on a deeper level with all of my baggage from the hurts, pains and losses that I have experienced thus far in my life.
It has allowed me to purge the unhealthy and focus on the brighter side. Man, I am glad that's over..PTSD is emotionally exhausting. Its been about a month since I dealt with that experience and I am now so focused on my new journey and finding JOY in the future. I am not promising that it wont be without many tears, as it will be hard to learn to live daily life without Hayley. But I also know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I will continue to feed my mind with FAITH, TRUTH AND LOVE.
Find JOY in your weakness as all weaknesses can be made into strengths!
Bottom line, its no fun! Fast forward to NOW! With the exciting news of Jose being accepted to Texas Tech and them moving to Lubbock in a few short months. Something happened to me inside. It was like the biggest trigger that I have ever felt. Losing the child before and after Hayley... needless to say; she filled many "holes" that Shay and I had. Whether it was healthy or subconsciously unhealthy; we did the best we could with where we were through the years! We didn't have all of the answers on how to survive losing two of our children.
With the recent knowledge that Hayley will be leaving set me into the worst two weeks dealing with PTSD I have ever experienced. I buried her a thousand times in my "day"mares. I prayed, I pleaded, I prayed some more. All the techniques that I had become a pro at using didn't work. I couldn't get it to go away. I didn't want to put a damper on the good news and excitement that we all felt, so I didn't share it with anyone in my family. They had no idea. (which is unlike me to not share) I just couldn't get it to stop. And I refused to steal any joy that they were experiencing with my issues. So I just endured.
I know that it is normal for a child to grow up and move on and spread their wings and fly! I have ALWAYS supported and encouraged that. But now that it was happening for real, my heart couldn't handle it! I realized that Hayley leaving opened up every single wound that I have ever felt through all of the losses I have experienced. I realized that her precious birth and the chance to keep her here on earth with us filled up many of those wounds. I have spent years healing from loss but there never really is an end...(well, until Christ comes again) But, you know what I mean!
Many have said to me "that I will be fine" and yes I know that it is true. But, her leaving wasn't your typical child growing up and leaving...it was much deeper than that.
Hayley and I have been connected at the hip for her entire life. Of course, with moments that we wanted to kill each other between 11 and 13! (Not literally, of course) She is my best friend. Since she home schooled we literally have shared every single day together (with the exception of when I traveled). Especially the last 5 as she has grown into the beautiful woman that she is now... we have created daily memories. We have always been close but through the years she has become my dearest, most special best friend. (Of course, Shay is too) But to have the kind of relationship that we have will be hard to live without in our daily lives.
I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel. Through my prayers, I have learned alot! I have realized that these two weeks even though hard, were extremely healing. I haven't gone to those places in my mind in many years. I truly believe that this gave me a chance to clear out some holes that were pushed away through the years that I wasn't even aware were there. I have had the chance to fill those holes with the proper things. I have been able to feed my mind with words of the Savior that we are never alone and that every loss will be made up to us in the eternities. I also learned to love myself on a deeper level with all of my baggage from the hurts, pains and losses that I have experienced thus far in my life.
It has allowed me to purge the unhealthy and focus on the brighter side. Man, I am glad that's over..PTSD is emotionally exhausting. Its been about a month since I dealt with that experience and I am now so focused on my new journey and finding JOY in the future. I am not promising that it wont be without many tears, as it will be hard to learn to live daily life without Hayley. But I also know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I will continue to feed my mind with FAITH, TRUTH AND LOVE.Find JOY in your weakness as all weaknesses can be made into strengths!
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