My angel boy...S H E L B Y R A Y

Have you ever been going along in your day and all of a sudden just get emotional out of the blue and don't even know why? Until you have some time to reflect and figure out what it is from! This is something that happens to me and it doesn't take long to realize where my thoughts and memories come from!

It happened the other day and I was reminded that May is my sweet Shelby's birthday! The person I was with asked me why the tears...I said "Oh just realized that my son's birthday is in a few days." They said,"that should make you smile" I said,"Well of course I smile that I had the chance to know him and call him my son but his birth also represents that I lost him and for a few days I may feel the human feelings and it's ok to feel them!

Many people have expressed the opinion that one should be over it, or that so much time should have healed you, or that you should not express the sadness from it! I am here to say that it is the healthiest thing I have learned through the process is to EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS! I am not ashamed to feel the loss and even shed tears whenever you need to! I have learned that it doesn't mean that you are depressed or that you can't function...It truly becomes a reflection time that I have learned to treasure. Being an extrovert normally, this time usually makes me a little more introverted and allows more reflective time for the memories that I want to have.

On May 21st, my 3rd child (first son) was born! Shelby Ray Earl! I love to say his name! I remember back when he was born.... I was so excited to see what a boy would look like. I remember calling my mom and telling her I needed to go to the hospital. She knowing it was my 3rd child asked no questions and came to pick me up since Shay was not home at the time! Upon arrival to the hospital I received my normal response that it didn't "look like" I was in labor. I proceeded to tell them that even though I am laughing and smiling...I promise I am in labor! So they admit me and call my doctor! And like I said...I was in labor! I always tease and say my pain and suffering came later from my loss but not during labor or delivery. When I am in labor I am always giggly and cant quit laughing!  Not your normal reactions...so they never believe me! But of course their believing me does not stop the facts of the machine proving that I am in labor! So a few short hours later...I have a baby boy!

I was SOOO EXCITED to see what my son would look like...Of course, we immediately scan him over for any blisters as that would identify whether or not he had the  same skin disease that I had previously lost my daughter to. I didn't initially see anything! But then they put him on my stomach with his back to me and I was about to roll him over to see his BEAUTIFUL face and all of a sudden his little hand fell over in my face and there it was....A BLISTER on his middle finger! If you didn't know what you were looking for it could have been easily missed! I saw it...I knew it...And in that moment when you should feel the Joy of a new child my mind immediately started thinking of a funeral! I cried and cried knowing what this meant! I wiped my tears and decided in an instant that I was going to enjoy and cherish every moment from that point on!

I told them what he had and they took him away for what I thought was to clean him up! When they brought him back they brought him in an incubator and told me I could not hold him or touch him! I was a different mom this time around! I had learned so much from the experience of having my daughter, Shealyn 4 years previous. I had taken a real life crash course on Epidermolysis Bullousa Junctional Recessive disease and I was going to be his ADVOCATE! I told them to take him out of the incubator... that was not what he needed and that I could hold him. I told them at that point that they couldn't hold him! They argued, but a mother that has already experienced this and lost a child from the same disease didn't need to be told what to do when I was the one telling them what he had! I insisted to see the attending physician and plead my case of what the instructions would be from then on! After awhile....THEY LISTENED! The journey then began of following a mothers instincts. Even though I lived most of his life in the ICU at Children's Medical Center after that...I did cherish all the time that I had with him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SHELBY! Until we meet again! I love you!

I find great joy in the memories that i cherish so dearly!

Shelby is the sweet baby next to Shay and Kolby! This family picture was drawn with all pencil and they added Shealyn and Shelby(without his bobo's) so that I had a picture with all of my babies!