My sweet angel....Shealyn Renee

You know I don't even have a good reason why I haven't written! At first, I thought that I would focus on my kids for Spring Break and not spend too much time on the computer! But I still spent time on the computer. Then I thought I would write one night but sat down and nothing came to my fingers but I had a TON of thoughts racing through my head! Then I had the thought one afternoon to write but once again a million things on my mind but could not figure what to write so I didn't! Then I was watching a show the other day and it was talking about not taking the time to write is being selfish! I realized that I missed writing for a whole week and had to figure out why every time I tried to write...why all my thoughts raced away! I think i finally realized I was not wanting write about what was really on my mind! So, because I am on this journey of reaching deep inside and desiring to bring back some of the memories I had lost...I had to pinpoint my block my memories were actually not all pleasant memories and I think I was running away from them! So, I decided to go for it so that I can get past this block!

I have written alot about my son Shelby and alot of memories with him were actually more pleasant than my memories with my daughter Shealyn. I realized that every time I think of her I decide to write about something else! But tonight I want to write about her! As much as I try to push away the memory...I can't! So maybe after writing about this very hard day...I can once and for all move past these harsh memories!

Shealyn Renee was our first daughter born to me when I was 19 years old. We were so excited for her birth. Her name is actually my husbands middle name "Shay" and my middle name "Lynn" put together to create...Shealyn! We loved her name and could not wait for her to come! She did come and after having her home 3 days I learned that something was terribly wrong! Although I want to write about how wonderful things were...her life brings many clouds that cloud my heart and mind! Maybe as I uncover some of the terrible memories I can begin to remember the pleasant ones that I know I had! Shealyn was born with a genetic skin disease called Epidermolysis Bullousa!

It was Thanksgiving Day in 1994 and we had gone to my in-laws to have Thanksgiving dinner and as we all were fixing our plates I looked at Shealyn and noticed that her eyes looked fixed and something wasn't right! I never fixed my plate that day! I picked her up very fast only to realize that she was having seizures and that is why her eyes looked fixed and her body was stiff....before I knew it she was bleeding through her nose and mouth! ( I know I am sorry for the details...I always live with these memories and now you see why it was hard to write about) I screamed out to call 911 and my brother in law called...and panic set in! My mother in law wasn't the most support as I was trying to calm everyone down. I remember just holding her tight praying that this was just normal and that it didn't mean anything! She would be ok and this was just a symptom! So finally, (what seemed like an eternity) the paramedics pulled up and came in like they were out for a picnic! Now I know its important for them to remain calm but expressing no urgency or hurry was just too much to handle! I was about to leave in my own car and take her myself! They were more interested in finding out the scenario than taking care of her. She is literally seizing over and over right in front of them and they finally decide to move more quickly and get her to the hospital! This was the bad beginning to an even worse story! We finally get in the ambulance and they only allow one parent so Shay follow very close behind the ambulance...running every light that they go through! The whole way to the hospital they are on the phone and everything they are telling the paramedics to do they cant do! It was like it was their first day on the job!

We finally get to the hospital and once again I get this feeling of no one knowing what the heck was going on! I finally realized that since it was a holiday...the whole hospital was running off of bare minimums and people that were probably out of school like the day before. They begin asking questions and I am explaining what she has and they were clueless of what to do! I heard one nurse saying get the pedi cart! Someone brought the what they thought was the pedi cart only to hear another say that is for toddlers. Which the nurse responded well that is the smallest we have here in this hospital! All the while Shealyn is continuing to have seizures! It was as if everyone was running 90 to nothing  for NOTHING! No one was tending to her then they cut her clothes off and tell me to leave the room! I am then put in this family room and I tell them I need to call my mom and dad! I made that phone call to my all of my family that Shealyn is in the ER and I am scared! My family comes and we are all in this family room!

There are 3 people coming in the room at different times and "updating" us on what was going on! There was a social worker, and a chaplain, and a nurse. They were coming in giving updates by their own opinions! Which were out of order and not making sense! We had one telling us that things did not look good and then one came in to tell us things were stable and improving and then one come in that was clueless. It makes me so mad thinking about the lack of professionalism or just plain decency. Needless to say, my theory was correct! No one, even the Doctor knew what he was doing! But maybe at this point in life and writing this blog...I now realize that there was nothing that they could do! So after much time passed and trying to keep calm and praying and pleading with every fiber of my body...Please let her live! Please let her live! The Doctor comes in starts talking to us and tell us what they are currently doing! He is talking in present tense! But all of a sudden after listening to a bunch of nothing I said, " What are you telling us?" " " What are you saying?" He then says these words..."You daughter is dead." If you can imagine the emotion that filled the room! Well, because the emotion was great and he was not handling this right ( I also now realize writing this that it was probably his first time ever to have to tell someone about a death...How do you ever get better than starting with the first time) Well because of the way he was leading us on like she was still alive....when my husband heard the words...your daughter is dead! It felt as if it was with no care...Shay just stood up with both hands and pushed the doctor with both hands and said NO NO NO! He tilted out of his chair a little and said its OK I understand this is not what you wanted to hear! He apologizes for his delivery and tells us no hard feelings for Shays initial reaction. He leaves the room! I am screaming NO I want my baby! Mom, why? and I am sure many things...I don't remember! I wish I could say that the story ends hear but in fact it only gets worse!

Because, a lady popped her head in and decided that what she was seeing was chaos or what she called violence (which was just alot of loud crying and confusion as it all happened so fast!) She decides to call the police department! And of course since it was a slow Thanksgiving Day they decide to send the entire SWAT team! They cleared out the entire waiting room like there was a shooting or something! The only person that wasn't there was my father in law and so my mother in law decides to get on the phone to call him! The next thing we know was not one not two but three and four cops come into the room and the one police commands her to get off of the phone! She proceeds to tell him that she is only calling her husband to tell him that Shealyn died and to get down here! ( In hindsight I think it was best that he was not there that day as I am sure someone would have probably got killed that day) So since she doesn't hang up right away the cop pulls out his billy club and pepper spray and says if you don't get off of that phone right now I am going to mace you! He says I am the boss and you are gonna listen to my orders! Which in return makes my brother in law step into it to tell him that she is calling the grandfather of the deceased and he said I am the boss get off the phone...HE MACED HER! This outraged Shay and his brother! So they react only to have my brother have to jump into the situation to hold Shay back! I am just sitting in the room yelling MY DAUGHTER DIED MU DAUGHTER DIED! PLEASE STOP ALL OF THIS MY DAUGHTER DIED! Nothing stops in fact my mom tells me that she thinks it is only by the grace of God that no one got shot because the cops had their guns pulled and cocked! More cops came into the room and before I know it Shay, my brother in law, and my brother are all handcuffed and on the floor! All I remember is pepper spray in the room and somehow my mom had come in there and got me out and just held me! I remember falling to the floor and pleading with the cop that they have everything wrong my daughter died! My daughter died! Please let him go! I next remember the cop saying to my mom! If you don't get her to stop I am going to take her too! My mom gets me to come with her around the hall and get me out of view of all that is going on!

They told me that if I calmed down I could go see Shealyn! I found out that they had arrested Shay (black) his brother (black) and were taking them to jail! My brother (white) uncuffed and let go! Shay never got to see his daughter until the funeral! They took Shay and Roger away! I went to hold Shealyn for my last moments with her! One blessing that I still treasure is that since it was Thanksgiving they could not get hold of the coroner to pronounce her death! I was able to be with her for 3 hours and sit and hold her and rock her until they came to take her away! That was one of the hardest moments I can ever remember! With tears running down my face as I write.....I still cherish those 3 precious hours on that miserable day Thanksgiving! 1994! It was one of the hardest and most painful experiences ever. I didn't know then that it was the beginning of shaping me into the person that I would one day become through enduring this!

As soon as the captain of the PD got word of what happened...they walked into the jail and opened Shays door and took his handcuffs off and gave him the phone and said call someone! They never said another word but said go home! They knew they had messed up royally! I had many telling me to call channel 8 news and so on and so on! This  was such prejudice displayed and completely uinfair and unjust situatiuon! But, I didnt want my daughters life to end on that note...So we dropped the situation and didnt press charges! I am still grateful for that! I dont have to be the one to teach them their lesson! That was not my place! Besides they have to forever live with the choices that they made!

I know this is a long post but I cant believe that I was finally able to get that all out! I dont hold any grudges as I feel we all learn from every experience! I think of that Doctor and hope that he learned how to better present the loss of loved ones to families! I hope that the lady that thought she knew what was goin on and called the PD learned a valuable lesson that day! I hope that I can continue to have love in my heart for all of those involved that day as I have spent a lifetime trying to overcome the terrible experience! I cant tell you how happy it makes me feel to put this story in wrtiing! I already feel a weight lifted...after all of these years! I know it probably seems weird to tell you to find joy in something after this story but its true..you should find JOY in the realease of pain in your life! What hurts do you have that are deep down that you almost forgot they were there? It's time to let them go! Find Joy in letting go! Now I will go get my kleenex and be ready to move on after a good nights sleep! Please share your comments as I could use the reinforcement of writing this blog! I know it was time!