So I have learned so much about myself through writing! It is such an incredible feeling to learn so much MORE about myself and how I process information, how I feel about things, how I truly can let go in a beautiful way! There is so much more to writing than I ever knew before! IT IS SUCH A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE! I can see God's hand in this process!
I have had every intention for this to be a daily blog...However, one thing I have learned about myself is I can't just write to write! I definitely write from the heart...So whatever is truly on my mind and in my heart is what I have to write about! So that is where the problem of writing daily comes in! Through writing about these past memories and trials and my life! Many feelings come with that as well! I have learned a pattern. When we bring up the past layer by layer! Sometimes it causes you to feel all over again and I am not sure my thoughts are always so clear about how I truly feel! I have to remove the layer of pain or anxiety etc. first before the words come to my fingertips!
There is so much history since the age of 19 through 37! Bringing it all to the surface requires time and patience. I have learned that many thoughts can be in my heart and mind at the same time...but when I try to write one may weigh out the other! If is something I am not ready to write about...no words will come! Therefore, many days might pass!
Well, I am finally ready to write about another subject in my life! WEIGHT! With trials and pain always comes with your coping skills! Or lack of skill! Basically your coping mechanism! Mine was unhealthy...I ATE MY PAIN AWAY...So I thought! I ate food for comfort! I always wished that I was one of those people that couldn't eat when stressed....(but I am sure that every issue has its downside!)
I was always very fit all the way through high school...Size 6-7 to 8-10 through the years! 110-120 max. I was a dancer and in drill team! Well, I had my first child and lost her to a terminal skin disease right out of high school and the eating began!
While in the hospital I had dear friends and church members that took care of me and brought me food 3 TIMES A DAY! I was so grateful for their company more than the food1 Although, I was grateful for the food too! All I did was sit in the ICU for months and eat everything that was brought to me! I began gaining weight then! After she died, I ATE AND ATE AND ATE! Sometimes, I would go to get dinner for us and I would get something extra to eat on the way home and then eat dinner with my husband like I hadn't eaten anything yet! That is when I realized that something was wrong! I was an EMOTIONAL EATER! That can be a serious problem when you are an EMOTIONAL PERSON! LOL LOL (many more blogs coming on this topic, but for now I am just telling it how it is)
Every pregnancy I gained alot of weight and then after losing my second child...my problems just compounded and I was at my biggest!
About a year after losing my 2nd child....I woke up one day and said. "I am not doing this anymore" I am not happy! I am insecure! I don't like the way I feel! I feel like a whale! I have done this to my self! How did this happen! How did I get here! I am 50 pounds away form 300! BUT THE LAST THING I SAID WAS...I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS AND I AM STARTING MONDAY! I began on Monday....I did not have a plan, I did not have a goal... I just said I was going to listen to music and walk until I could jog and jog until I could run! I did JUST THAT! I listened to anything i felt in the mood to listen to and walked or ran to the beat! Whatever I felt in my heart I could manage! 6 days a week and on Sunday I rested! I didn't let anything get in my way! Everyday for a year....I lost 110 pounds of weight! BUT I LOST 1000 POUNDS OF PAIN! Every time I would walk or run or exercise for that matter....I experienced relief from all of my worries and grief! Gotta love those endorphins! But it was so much more than that! I was physically, mentally, and emotionally learning the true meaning of making a choice to do something about my situation...instead of staying in the place where life had taken me! I have kept the weight off for over 12 years now!
This was one of those defining moments in my life! I learned how action takes you to a different place! A healthier place...A happier place...
I BEGAN TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO MAKE CHOICES TO FIND THE JOY IN THE JOURNEY! I fight everyday to maintain the weight as I have setbacks every year around October due to losing one child on Thanksgiving and one child on Halloween Day! I find myself eating more than I should and picking up bad habits of drinking Dr.Pepper again. I always catch myself and work hard to lose those pounds and stay within a healthy weight! I will always be an emotional eater so I have to stay strong and watch myself and make the choice again and again to do the right thing! I am in the process as I write of losing some unwanted pounds. I hope by writing this that this year might be different for me! I am learning by getting words out on paper or (by typing) that I actually truly LET GO of things that have crept up and went to sleep in my heart! Writing these blogs is giving me a sense of being UNLEASHED (thanks for the word Becca) LETTING GO ONCE AND FOR ALL....I have decided that this year in October I will focus on health and exercise and hope to overcome the "emotional eating" during that time once and for all!
I will continue to find JOY in the JOURNEY through being healthy...physically, emotionally, and mentally and spiritually!
As I have learned that being in shape creates health in all of those areas!
FIND JOY IN DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOU HEALTHY PHYSICALLY! Which leads to better emotional, mental and spiritual health!