The Final Rose

No, I'm not talking about The Bachelor's final rose.  A week ago today, we ventured out on what was going to be one awesome day! It was my "Random Act of Kindness" birthday party that I set up for and invited a few close friends to join me.  It was a special and memorable day, filled with amazing stories. One of the last random acts that we did that day was to go to the hospital and pass out flowers to the patients.

First, let me describe what it was like as we entered the 3rd floor.... We walked onto the floor and we see Doctors, nurses, and techs busy doing what they do. Filling out paperwork, responding to calling patients, checking vitals, discussing patients, paperwork and so on. We walk in with 4 dozen roses and explain that we would like to walk the halls and pass out flowers to the patients to brighten their day. We get the weirdest looks and responses. We heard, "so you just want to take flowers in random rooms" and "who are you with?" So I explain that we are not with any affiliation and that this is my "Random Act's of Kindness Birthday Party." When the Dr. immediately turns towards me and says..."There are no patients with restrictions, Go for it!"

So, we looked down all 3 halls and walked towards this one particular wing first. We entered the first room and saw this sweet elderly lady (we learned she was 96) laying there all cuddled up in a blanket and all that you could see was her little, sweet face. Her daughter was next to her bed and she just smiled so big and was so grateful for a flower. She turned to her elderly mom and said, "they brought you a flower." I explained that it was my birthday and instead of doing something for myself, my greatest joy and happiness comes from brightening someone else's day. The elderly lady looked me right in my eyes and gave the slightest nod. I knew that she heard me. There was such a peace in the room. I hugged the daughter and said that we would be praying for them. She was so grateful. The daughters smile and the elderly lady's eyes continue to linger in my mind. 

There was a different story in every room that we entered. One room we entered was an old, cute and flirty man. He was delighted for 7 women to enter his room with flowers for him. He made us laugh! His smile was so big and he didn't want us to leave. 

In another room, the sweetest little lady, upon sight of us walking in the room with flowers and smiles caused tears to stream down her face. She couldn't believe that we wanted to do such a thing. Another room we entered was a man that said, " I knew that someone would come to pray for me." 

In another room, we found complete sadness and loneliness and instant tears streaming down her face. She just cried and told us that she felt so alone and she didn't have anyone to come visit her and that our flowers meant more than we would ever know.  Knowing that we couldn't stay with her for very long, I offered to pray with her. She said, Yes, please. I prayed that she would know that she was never alone and that she would feel comforted as she finished her stay in the hospital. We hugged and promised to keep praying for her. And that I have done. 

Another room was a very sick gentleman that was sunken in his bed and had his head completely covered by his blanket. I said, "knock knock, is anyone under there?" He uncovered his head, and asked us what we wanted. I explained that we were bringing him a flower to brighten his day. He wasn't to thrilled by my remarks and I continued to tell him that it was my birthday, (I noticed when others know your heart it helps to open up theirs) So, I continued to explain,  instead of doing something for myself,  my joy and happiness comes from making others happy. He gave another tiny smirk, and all of a sudden, he told me that he used to be a gospel singer and that since I was bringing him a rose on my birthday that he would sing and one of his original songs for me. He asked me to hand him his phone and he searched for his lyrics. He began singing. I teared up while he sang, cause I realized that he was all of a sudden doing something that he loved and made him happy. After he finshed his song, I noticed the tears coming out of his eyes. I was so grateful that even for a moment, we could take his mind off of all that he was going through.

Our time at the hospital was full of these stories. Not just another room and patient; but a life and a story. I could go on and on and on about all 45 rooms we entered. As we left out of the last room, I saw my daughter Hayley finishing up a conversation with one of the nurses that had asked, "why we were doing this" and "who we were with." They couldn't believe that someone would just come and do this. But you could ask anyone one of us and hear the same response...that we couldn't wait to do it all over again! And we aren't even gonna wait for another birthday! 

As we left the final room and handed out our final rose... we realized that in the very first hall, the hall that we felt inspired to begin with. We had given someone, what would be their final rose here on earth. As we realized the magnitude of our service that day, we paused for a moment. We were all shocked that we were the last contact that patient had. Tears streamed down our faces as we imagined that their moments was our random act of kindness and love in being the recipient of our rose. 

We felt complete JOY that day and will continue to in our memories forever. What if your small act was the one thing that turned sadness into hope, or gave someone a moment of joy. Maybe, your kindness could touch a soul that felt alone. Maybe, you could save a life. Or maybe even your random act may be the very last act of kindness that was performed for someone. Be a blessing to others!

 FIND JOY IN RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS!

 Please share your stories of random acts of kindness with me.....

Bear one another's burdens...

Yesterday I had the beautiful privilege of attending a precious little angels funeral. Her name was Zinnia, just like the flower. She was 3 months old. She looked like a porcelain doll in her white satin dress that was handmade with love by a friend. The dress was made from fabric from her mother's and 2 aunts wedding dresses.  It was beyond heavenly. She looked like a perfect angel.

I grew up with her dad Jake and grew to love his wife, Heather. The other day when I found out that they had lost their daughter... I wept, as I always do when I hear that a child has died. My heart hurts for the parents so badly. I literally wish I could take away their pain...but I know I can't and that there are NO WORDS that will take away the pain. 

I was in awe when I was greeted by Jake with the most radiant smile and glossy eyes.  His spirit was shining! He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I don't know how you and Shay did it?" There was so much I wanted to say...but that is for another day and another place. My response at that moment was..."You just do..Jake...You just do and you just keep getting through one day at a time with the spirit leading you daily." 

Then to wrap my arms around Zinnia's mom, Heather. There was something special in that hug. I know many times we tell someone that we can't begin to imagine what they are going through. This was not the case. We hugged so tight just like our hearts did all the talking. She knew I knew. My heart broke for her.

Let me backtrack for a moment. As I woke up yesterday morning and was in my bathroom getting ready for Zinnia's funeral. I realized that something was really different for me. As I got dressed.. It was as if I was getting ready for my own child's funeral. Everything I did was reliving my own experience. I could remember what I wore, what I was feeling, how somber I was. As I got in my car to drive to the funeral I could remember things I hadn't remembered in years. Yesterday wasn't about me...but as I walked in and saw baby Zinnia. I flashed back and saw Shealyn laying there. And then Shelby. But,  Shealyn was in a white satin dress and white satin casket just like Zinnia. Everything was so similar. When I saw Heather...I felt like I could read her mind. When I watched her fix Zinnia's dress it was as if it was an out of body experience. Then at the actual funeral they sang one of the same songs that we sang at both of my babies funerals. When I listened to Heather and Jake share their thoughts about Zinnia I felt every word they were speaking! I knew how they longed for her and at the same time knew they would be with her again and said the exact words that I once said... "we will be there with you again cause we will work hard." To sit there and watch the family wiping their tears and still trying to make sense of it all was a tear jerker.

As I sat from a distance and watched it all, the tears flowed and flowed and flowed and flowed. Many probably thought that I was crying so hard because of my own loss and experience. But I wasn't.

My tears weren't for me, they were for Heather and Jake and all who loved that precious Zinnia. And she was precious.  As I have had many years to learn, grow and endure the loss of my babies. I sat there with a heart full of empathy and watched these parents start their first few days of their journey of loss. I felt so many emotions.

As I sat there in the chapel and listened to Heather, Zinnia's mom talk about her sweet baby and what she was like and what she would miss I couldn't hold back the tears. I just wanted to hug her and hold her. My heart was bursting at the seams for her. She was so brave to get up there and share at her own baby's funeral. Then her father, Jake shared his sweet testimony of knowing that Zinnia was in her Heavenly Father's hands. His words pierced my soul as he spoke about eternal families. They showed such grace. Also, Jakes father, Ernest spoke beautiful words that were so passionately shared! 

All I could think about is how could I be there for her. How could I help her. How could I bear their burdens. My mind flooded of things that I could do. I realized that there have been about 7 special and dear friends that I have been able to help and be there for while they endured their child loss. It is something that I hold near and dear to my heart. Who would have known that I would have that many people in my little life that needed me because I could relate to them and what they were going through.

Who can you help? What trials have you survived that would allow you the knowledge and empathy to bless someone else's life and bear their burdens? How can you open up and share your heart so that someone else knows they are safe with you?

I reflected on the promises that I made when I was baptized many years ago. I promised to take upon His name. We were also willing to bear one another's burdens, mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.

Giving service brings us together and gives us opportunities to share and talk and unload and lift and encourage and comfort. I often think of a song that I grew up singing as a family. "I'm trying to be like Jesus" or as a teenager...the words..."WWJD" (what would Jesus do.) He loved everyone. He lifted and he blessed. I saw that happen at the funeral yesterday with all of their loving brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and grandparents all around supporting with love. I remember it happening any time that I stood in need of that kind of love and support. I see it around me today in my community and neighborhood and in my church family and in my Scentsy family... women and men who try their best to love and serve others. The world needs you and me.  Anyone who can love another and lift another up and bear one another's burdens.

The spirit of Zinnia and the love that her family had for her reminded me of this yesterday.

Every day of our lives we are given opportunities to show love and kindness to those around us.

What have you been through that has given you that special knowledge to be able to bless someones life because you have walked the path. There is someone waiting for the love that only you can share. Pray and ask God to show you who may stand in need of such love and then act.

Find Joy in bearing one another's burdens.

I love you Jake and Heather...Until you meet again with your precious angel Zinnia! Continued prayers for all of you.

The Unexpected Journey... We are selling our home!

As I sat down to blog the other day, my phone popped up and made mention that my "time hop was ready to view."  Of course with my A.D.D. I got distracted and looked. As I scrolled through what was posted a year ago I couldn't believe the post I saw was exactly what I sat down to write about.  It was a full circle moment for me. Sitting down today to blog about my experience of simplifying and how it has truly opened up my eyes to a whole new life.  To see this post, was a tender mercy, as I can now truly see how far I have come in a year. As I realized that I had been at this simplifying thing for a year... I understood more clearly why this journey has taken me to the point I am at now. (more about that at the end) Here is the message from last year... February 2014.

During this last year since I began this journey of getting rid of what I no longer needed! I realized that it was SO MUCH MORE THAN getting rid of things. It was changing me.  With each item that I sold or gave away, I noticed a change in me for the better.  It was literally freeing to my soul. It is one of those feelings that you can't get unless you go through the actions. It was like I was making more room for "God things" in my life. At the beginning of this "movement"  I noticed there were things that I had emotional attachments too (knowing it was something that I DID NOT NEED TO KEEP). I literally had to take it to God in prayer and ask; what am I missing? Why am I holding on to this? Why do I feel attached? That comes from the loss that I've had! But, it was time to let go and create more room for other things! 

I also invested in a personal organizer. Best gift I ever requested for myself. I have learned that if you don't possess a certain skill then sometimes you have to find someone that does. (Plus, you can bless their life by using their talents and paying them for their skills to be used.) 

Here is what I learned from my simplifying journey... First- I experienced LESS FRUSTRATION.

Anytime someone needed something I had to search for it. Therefore wasting mass amounts of time looking, searching and digging here and looking there just to find what I was looking for. Sometimes, that could even domino into being late getting where you needed to go. It could even create frustration cause you couldn't move forward with what you are doing. Then, in my case, A.D.D. would sometimes get the best of me and I would forget what I was even doing before I began my searching efforts. Now with everything having its own place, I definitely experience less frustration and MORE PEACE and a sense of calm when I can say,  "let me get that for you...its right here." Everyday I am happier because of having less.  

Secondly, since I have less to maintain it opens each day for way more TIME and more MONEY. It's amazing. I can't believe it actually. When I couldn't find something, I would often just buy another. It was actually humorous when everything was put together in the same place because you could see what I couldn't find when I had 4 or 5 of something. (hahaha) I have definitely noticed in the areas of my home that are complete that I am more productive because I have less stuff competing for my time and attention. I have saved money for sure in the grocery store department because I can actually see what I have and I no longer buy triple of stuff because I couldn't see that I already had it in my pantry.

However, I remember when we purchased our home and many people commented that, "You are gonna have alot to clean" They were right. Since I couldn't always keep it up... I hired a cleaning lady that came weekly. It was awesome! Then I hired a pooper scooper! Then I hired an organizer! Catch my drift... More space required more maintenance which required more money if I wanted more time. So I actually had to buy my time! It is an eye opener when you see the numbers that are actually spent on maintaining. Once you add up the cleaning lady, the poop scooper, the lawn guy, the window cleaner, the organizer and so on and so on... IT ADDS UP TO THOUSANDS! Of course, I could always do it myself (well not the organizing) but I wasn't willing to give up the time. But that is a whole other blog post.

The last major thing that I realized that I have learned from this process is that less stuff brings more JOY! I am finding more joy in living, rather than having too much stuff or spending time maintaining. I have never been a materialistic person. I am a thrift store shopper and wearer and I love me a good garage sale. I'm talking about clutter of things. Having things, keeping things, collecting things. I've never been big about having things but when you have a bigger place you naturally acquire more things. Now that I am experiencing less clutter I am able to focus more on things we actually need. As we have removed the clutter, we have removed distractions, and we have been able to experience more gratitude for what really matters most.

I now know why I was inspired a year ago to begin this simplifying process. I have learned so much, I have grown so much and I have seen how God has been changing me to get to a place in life that I could hear what he had in store for me and my family exactly a year later. I had no idea that God had a different path for us than we had planned. It's pretty magical to follow His path for you. In the spirit of simplifying and getting rid of clutter I learned that we will simplify our living space as well. Yes, I just said we are selling our dream home. It has been the perfect home for us for the last 3 years. It was everything we wanted. But now in this new season of focusing on what matters most...it's not maintaining a 4000 square foot home. It will be about traveling and creating more memories together. It's about having more time to bless others. It will be about doing what God calls me to do everyday. We will be selling almost everything we own except for what we love and need.  But that isn't much anymore! We will be downsizing from 4000 square feet to 1000...Until Kolby graduates and we decide where we want to settle.. if we ever even do. And that makes me happy for the possibilities! But for now....Forney is home.

We will miss our beautiful neighbors that we have grown to love. We also will miss our walks and definitely these beautiful sunsets! 

 Although, we have loved entertaining in our home; we don't need all of this space anymore. Plus, it will never be the same without all of us here. So we (me, Shay and Kolby) will begin our own new journey. We have cherished, forever memories in our home of Devonshire! I am grateful for the seasons and intersections of life that lead us to bigger and greater things....because God's path is always better than our own. I'm also grateful for the spirit of my son Kolby. He has always felt that our home was too big, and now that Hayley and Jose are moving is really excited to downsize. 

I have pages and pages of unpublished blogs for all that I have learned through this process but my most favorite part is knowing that I am listening to my heart and spirit and following God's plan for our family. And that we all feel the same. I never thought I would say good bye to this home. I thought it would be our forever home. But when God shows you a different path...you follow! I remember the day that He said to me in my heart... you can choose to stay! I knew that this was a chance to put all that I have learned to the test.  We decided to trust God! We can't wait to see who God sends to live in our home, so they can experience the joy that this home has brought to our family. 

I truly know that LESS IS MORE! More time, more energy, more ability to focus on what matters most,  which ultimately brings MORE JOY! 

This pic represents a wonderful moment (the day we closed on our home).. I can't wait to share many more moments like this picture of our new and upcoming journey.

PTSD... The Struggle is REAL!!!

Sunshine, sparkle, inspirational quotes, beautiful people, blue skies...That's my happy place! I could talk about those things all day long with ease. But PTSD it's not my favorite topic, but it is REAL.

I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). through the years. I was diagnosed many years after losing my second child. Although, I know that I experienced it after losing my first child, but at the time I didn't understand what was happening! No one enjoys admitting that they deal with a mental health issue but as a Life coach and having many conversations with different people, I have learned that most people deal with some kind of issue. If you have ever dealt with depression...that too is a mental health issue. Instead of being embarrassed to talk about it...EMBRACE IT! That is the best way to take steps to move past it, or cope with it better. And who knows... by opening up and sharing your "stuff" you may inspire someone else to open up about their "stuff" and together you both heal or move forward. After speaking with two dear friends in the very same week that have recently been diagnosed with PTSD... I decided to speak out about it. 

PTSD is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced a traumatic or terrifying event in which harm, extreme loss, unexpected death, war or natural disaster has affected the individual. I've mentioned through my blogs that I have "flashbacks" or moments where mini movie clips run through my head of the past. For several years after the loss of my babies I dealt with this on a regular basis but as time has gone on; I have been very fortunate that my PTSD has only surfaced with triggers. Since they died on holidays... it mostly happened when Halloween and Thanksgiving would roll around each year. It would also happen in moments when my children would leave us for any extended length of time. Some have dealt with this so bad that it has been debilitating, for me it has never been that serious. And for that, I am grateful.

Let me take you in my mind when PTSD is having it's hay day...

Its a normal day back when Hayley and Kolby were young. I had to run an errand. So I go and put both kids in their car seats. We are traveling down the road when all of a sudden someone slams on their brakes. No big deal right? You hit your brakes too and make the car stop. With PTSD the mind kinda keeps going in these "nightmarish" moments. I slam on my brakes..we are stopped but in my mind the kids fly out of their car seats and break the windshields and I get out of the car and run to them to find them dead and then my mind goes through an entire funeral and burial. I then get a grip on my mind realizing that all of those thoughts happened in a matter of seconds and my conscious mind knows that this isn't real. The problem comes in because the subconscious mind doesn't exactly know that its not real yet... So all of the emotions that one would feel and go through with that terrible accident feel very real. I have countless episodes that I could share but this one came to mind. 

Thankfully, I dealt with it so much right after my kids died that I gained alot of practice on how to get my conscious and subconscious mind aligned and get back to normal life! But imagine that happening all throughout the day! For several years it did! Through the years, I became a pro at dealing with it and no one even knew that I was having an episode. (Well, maybe closer friends and family did)

Bottom line, its no fun! Fast forward to NOW! With the exciting news of Jose being accepted to Texas Tech and them moving to Lubbock in a few short months. Something happened to me inside. It was like the biggest trigger that I have ever felt. Losing the child before and after Hayley... needless to say; she filled many "holes" that Shay and I had. Whether it was healthy or subconsciously unhealthy; we did the best we could with where we were through the years! We didn't have all of the answers on how to survive losing two of our children.

With the recent knowledge that Hayley will be leaving set me into the worst two weeks dealing with PTSD I have ever experienced. I buried her a thousand times in my "day"mares. I prayed, I pleaded, I prayed some more. All the techniques that I had become a pro at using didn't work. I couldn't get it to go away. I didn't want to put a damper on the good news and excitement that we all felt,  so I didn't share it with anyone in my family. They had no idea. (which is unlike me to not share) I just couldn't get it to stop. And I refused to steal any joy that they were experiencing with my issues. So I just endured.

I know that it is normal for a child to grow up and move on and spread their wings and fly! I have ALWAYS supported and encouraged that. But now that it was happening for real, my heart couldn't handle it! I realized that Hayley leaving opened up every single wound that I have ever felt through all of the losses I have experienced. I realized that her precious birth and the chance to keep her here on earth with us filled up many of those wounds. I have spent years healing from loss but there never really is an end...(well, until Christ comes again) But, you know what I mean!

Many have said to me "that I will be fine" and yes I know that it is true. But, her leaving wasn't your typical child growing up and leaving...it was much deeper than that.

Hayley and I have been connected at the hip for her entire life. Of course, with moments that we wanted to kill each other between 11 and 13!  (Not literally, of course) She is my best friend. Since she home schooled we literally have shared every single day together (with the exception of when I traveled). Especially the last 5 as she has grown into the beautiful woman that she is now... we have created daily memories. We have always been close but through the years she has become my dearest, most special best friend. (Of course, Shay is too) But to have the kind of relationship that we have will be hard to live without in our daily lives.

I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel. Through my prayers, I have learned alot! I have realized that these two weeks even though hard, were extremely healing. I haven't gone to those places in my mind in many years. I truly believe that this gave me a chance to clear out some holes that were pushed away through the years that I wasn't even aware were there. I have had the chance to fill those holes with the proper things. I have been able to feed my mind with words of the Savior that we are never alone and that every loss will be made up to us in the eternities. I also learned to love myself on a deeper level with all of my baggage from the hurts, pains and losses that I have experienced thus far in my life.

It has allowed me to purge the unhealthy and focus on the brighter side. Man, I am glad that's over..PTSD is emotionally exhausting. Its been about a month since I dealt with that experience and I am now so focused on my new journey and finding JOY in the future. I am not promising that it wont be without many tears, as it will be hard to learn to live daily life without Hayley. But I also know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I will continue to feed my mind with FAITH, TRUTH AND LOVE.

Find JOY in your weakness as all weaknesses can be made into strengths!

A GIRL'S WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!

It was a regular weekday...when all of a sudden I realized that I had a conflict of schedule in the upcoming week. So I immediately made a phone call to reschedule my conflicting appointment, so that I could attend Kolby's homecoming game. No big deal! When I called to reschedule the appointment, they couldn't work me in for my hair appointment. It was going to be two weeks later!

Ladies.... we all know that when it is time for an appointment, it is time! But, what do you do... So I scheduled my appointment for two weeks. I went on with my week. At least I wasn't gonna miss my boy playing. I was happy about that!

The weekend rolls around and Kolby reminds me that we are going to take Homecoming pictures by the pond in our neighborhood.... and I immediately thought, "um I can't take any pictures til I get this gray hair covered up" So, I immediately called my friend, Amylia (we are both blonde's) and asked where she gets her hair done, I was going to use her person this ONE time!

I got the info and called but they couldn't get in on a busy Saturday...so they told me they would call me if someone canceled! Well, I got that call, but it wasn't with the girl that did my friends hair. It was with another one of their stylists...but they reassured me that she was wonderful! So no worries...this salon has been around for years! On to my appointment I went!

So, I am sitting in the chair discussing with the girl and three others (her co-workers) how I want my hair. I felt totally comfortable and actually at ease as I listened to them all discuss their opinion on the best mix to create the color that I wanted for fall season. She proceeds to get all the supplies ready and of course my questions and hair history begins.... So how long have you been doing hair? You are familiar with doing curly hair? What products are you using? etc. (I have had hair disasters in the past, so I have to make sure they feel confident with curly hair) She tells me that she knows how hard it is to find someone to do natural curly hair and she felt my pain, because her daughters have natural curly hair and it put me at ease. She made me feel confident with every answer! Plus she had the two other girls that she was consulting with. So all was well! We chatted and visited as she proceeded to put the foils in my hair!

Shay sent me a text, asking me where I was...so I just happened to have a picture at this point because I sent a picture text of where I was...


NOTICE HOW MANY FOILS ARE IN MY HAIR...... (remember that as I continue my story)


And the "cover up the gray" project continues...




LONG STORY, A LITTLE SHORTER (or longer).....She takes all of the foils out of my hair and I notice this funny look on her face. I was in the washing bowl and I can tell that the foil don't slip off of my hair... She is kind of just picking them out of my hair! I asked her with exclamation, "Is something wrong?" She answers, "No, just getting some left over conditioner out of your hair."  That response doesn't feel right to me and so I say..."A little conditioner never hurt my hair... I 'll just take a look in the mirror and let's start styling and drying."

She hesitates to let me look in the mirror. As I sit down in the chair she immediately turns my chair away from the mirror and starts blow drying my hair. By this time, I KNOW SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT! I immediately turn the chair around to the mirror with a little force and MY FACE TURNS PALE IN AN INSTANT! I begin running my fingers through my hair only to find that there is NOT ANY HAIR IN THE FRONT OF MY HEAD! I ask her, where is my hair... WHAT HAPPENED?? WHERE IS MY HAIR?? WHERE IS MY HAIR?? I am keeping calm ( a little, OK so maybe not so calm) and I just kept repeating myself like I was in absolute SHOCK! She begins to tell me that I had some baby hairs and so on and so on! I told her I DID NOT HAVE ANY BANGS OR BABY HAIRS AND TO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY HAIR! She continues to beat around the bush and not tell the truth! ALL OF A SUDDEN... A lady comes from around the corner and says..."Oh no you are not gonna "BS" her... YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED... You over processed her hair and it ALL BROKE OFF, EVERY SINGLE PLACE THAT YOU HAD FOIL" 

AND THE TEARS BEGAN TO FLOW DOWN MY FACE! I AM IN COMPLETE SHOCK AT THIS POINT.... MY HAIR IS GONE! 

I CAN'T QUIT CRYING! MY HAIR IS LITERALLY GONE! 

So, that lady was the owner, and I just happened to be so blessed for her to be there...as we were the only two left at the salon! I really don't know what I would have done if she hadn't have been there to come around that corner and be so honest and outspoken! She literally made me get up and come over to her station and helped me wipe away my tears and said, "I will stick by your side and do whatever it takes to get your hair back to where it was and better!" She basically cried with me! I was so touched by her compassion! I shed tears for the girl that ruined my hair too. She didn't mean to do it! It was an accident! Come to find out, She has been a hairdresser for many, many years but has been out to have twin girls and raise them for a few years and was just coming back into the salon. Her mind was scattered and she was distracted and lost track of time as my hair had the product on it and literally burned it right off my head in every single spot that had foil! I had alot of emotions! 

Kelley, the owner begins to try and salvage what she could and decided that straightening my hair would be best for a short term solution! She did all she could... but really it was a disaster! When my hair is straight it is nearly down to my lower back... and here is where it was after this fiasco.....

I WENT FROM THIS....(all the hair across my forehead is gone and all over my head my hair is broken)

TO THIS.............

Yep...as you can see... My hair is to my shoulders STRAIGHT. So imagine where it would be curly! 

I was so sad! Notice the front.... WELL YOU CAN'T NOTICE... BECAUSE IT IS GONE! As you know, it takes twice as long to grow curly hair to the length that you want it and so this meant maybe close to a year or better to EVEN BEGIN TO GET CLOSE TO WHERE MY HAIR LENGTH WAS!

So... I left the salon that day 6 hours later and cried all the way home! And the next day and the next! Every time I went to look in the mirror I just cried! It was so bad! I couldn't do anything with it! 

The third day, I woke up and said, enough is enough! It is what it is, and you can't un-do this! So, I decided to make the best of it! Kelly had offered to introduce me to this guy named Buddy Sharp (a former Dallas Cheerleaders hair stylist) to get extensions! I had never had extensions and so I knew that it would be extremely hard to match my hair to any extension. But she said if anyone could do it...Buddy could! So I prayed about it and decided to try it! I called Kelley and said let's go for it! 

SIDE NOTE: Kelley paid $1800 out of her own pocket to get these extensions for me! They ordered European curly, blonde hair! (very hard to get your hands on) I did not know this until after the fact! Amazing lady full of compassion to make my situation right! 

I walk in and meet Buddy Sharp, that greets me with the biggest hug and kindest words of sympathy for my hair situation but then mentions, "what if this is right where God wanted you to be"
Buddy is a special soul... He lights up a room with his big personality and warm heart and big smile! Grateful to know him and be blessed by his talents! 

{Now, here is a little back story... I had been praying for some new connections for my Scentsy business. Little did I know that the answer to my prayer was going to be through this unfortunate situation.}

This IS where God wanted me to be! We begin to chat and share about life and he invites me to bring Scentsy to his extremely busy salon and set up all throughout the Christmas holiday. And Kelly also came to my appointment for support and also shared that she would be buying all of her stylists Scentsy this year for their Christmas gifts! I knew that my prayers had been answered! Yes, I believe that sometimes our blessings come in disguise of other things like hair catastrophes to help us grow and learn and endure!

You see, I learned alot about myself through this disaster! I didn't realize how much my hair was a positive spot for me...without my hair I felt blah! Which made me ponder what life is like for the beautiful souls that endure cancer and lose all of their hair! I began to be grateful that I still had some hair. It made me feel fat to have such short, burned up hair. Which made me realize that I have fallen off from taking care of myself the way I need too! Which has encouraged me to get that part of my life right AGAIN! I looked in the mirror one day and had alot of negative things to say to myself...(which is not a regular thing for me to do...I was just feeling down from my hair) I saw my double chin, and the wrinkles on my forehead that my hair used to cover, and the scars where I had severe sunburns in the past! I couldn't cover any of it up! Which made me stop and think how much my Heavenly Father loves me exactly how I am..scars, wrinkles, double chin and all!  I needed to love me with broken off, burnt up hair too!  I began to be grateful for this experience and how it had opened my eyes to bigger and better thoughts! 

So not only did I realize all of these beautiful things, I also grew my Scentsy business in a big way as the orders continue to come in at my weekly hair appointments! 

So here is my hair extension day....

Long side is extensions and short side is my hair all broken off and damaged!  

THIS IS MY HAIR AFTER THE AMAZING EXTENSIONS

I cant even imagine the last 2 months without Kelley and Buddy loving me and supporting me through this hair disaster!  Giving me these extensions to allow a little growing time has been a lifesaver!
It hasn't been easy... In fact, its been hard! It's been hard to match my curls to the extensions. It's been hard to keep the extensions from getting tangled. It's been hard to fix it everyday, as I have to wash it EVERY SINGLE DAY! It has been hard to keep the extensions from not getting matted together. I have had to wear my hair back in clips every day. But I also know that valuable things often come through hard situations! Valuable lessons, beautiful connections, and more self worth!

Even though my hair journey is gonna be a LONG one...I am cherishing the new friendships that I have made. Kelley is a wonderful person that has a huge heart and has touched me with her committed efforts to get my hair back to normal! Not only does she see me weekly, she and Buddy have shared some amazing hair products with me that has made my hair grow twice as fast! I am loving MONAT!

Next week I will have the extensions removed and I am nervous! But, I will go with it! Whatever it looks like and however short! The blessings have been worth the cost of enduring this. I am grateful to be reminded once again that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...even with some jacked up hair! Short hair coming soon!

THANK YOU KELLEY AND BUDDY!

Shealyn and Shelby... My Angels

Tis the season for all things FALL! So many anticipate this time of year full of pumpkins, decorating, cooler temps, hot chocolate nights and much more. I love it all too! But this season brings so much more than that for me. My precious Shealyn and Shelby both lived their lives through these months. Shealyn lived July til Thanksgiving day in November and Shelby lived May til Halloween day in October. So these months are full of precious memories and "movie clips" running through my mind at any given moment.

All of a sudden, the laughing, cheery, smiling Heather disappears and a more subdued, quiet, reverent Heather appears. Actually, it comes and goes. I'm not like that everyday at every moment, it's just during that time I never know when it is going to hit me. A memory will hit and that movie clip just plays at a moments notice. I can never pinpoint when this transition will come. Sometimes I know its here because while walking though Walmart a chord is struck the moment I see pumpkins out that triggers those tears to stream down my face out of nowhere. Sometimes, it's when the kids say, "Mom, are you listening to me?" They can tell that I am in another place in my mind! Sometimes, it can be hard to be around many people that haven't known me for long because they think I'm depressed if I have one of these moments hit me or they don't know how to take this side of me because they are used to my "happy-go lucky self". But, it's OK...it will pass shortly and I soon won't be tearing up out of nowhere! haha!  I actually appreciate these few weeks or months (different every year) to reflect on this special phase.... for some reason it always hits me in September. 

I'm grateful to be reminded of how far I have come from that 19 year old mother laying on the floor crying for weeks in front of an empty cradle by the christmas tree or the tears that streamed down my face at the sound of crying babies in church that only reminded me of my empty hands.  And many, many, many more experiences through those younger years when I was learning how to live with my losses. 

Because the truth is that as the years went on I learned that it wasn't loss at all but a great and special opportunity to grow into someone that I would have never become without the experiences that a loving Heavenly Father chose for me to go through. As a 40 year old, I know that my heart was crushed to understand the beautiful JOY that is accessible in this life. I was broken down as to understand how incredibly important dependency on God through this life is.  And also a relationship that we should all strive for so that we know Him and strive to be like Him. I wouldn't trade the lessons from loss for anything. For I have gained so much and the lessons have also shaped me and molded me to be a better me.

This IS NOT a sad time for me, yet simply an exploring of my heart, thoughts and feelings. I never knew when I lost my first child so many years ago and then the second child 4 years later that it would have been such a life-long trial for me. Loss of children or loss period has so many stages and phases. I love seeing what messages the Lord will bring to me each year through this season for me. I learn something new every year. 

I have spent the last 20 years trying to figure out and explore the new phases that hit year after year especially during this fall season. One thing for sure is that this trial of loss has kept me close to my Heavenly Father and has helped me live a life that is focused on what matters most. God, family and serving others. I may shed tears, and I may talk about them more during this time than the rest of the year....but one thing is for sure! I'm grateful for eternal families and the knowledge that I have that we will be together again if I live my life worthy to receive those blessings. 

Speaking of service, I have found a way to turn those hard cycles that used to hit me every year into positive ones. I started an annual fundraiser last year in memory of my sweet daughter,  Shealyn and my precious son Shelby called

"PAJAMA PAGES".  Since they spent their little lives in pajamas...I collect pj's for the children that spend Halloween in the hospital. And I collect books because I was either reading to my babies or to Hayley when she came to visit us in the hospital for months. This year I have included stuffed animals.



We also collect funds to go to the red wagons at Children's Medical Center. Shelby used to ride in the wagons to his therapy treatments and it was the one thing that Hayley could help with by pulling her brother around. 

Starting this service project during this season warms my heart and feels so good to turn that loss into something positive. Then on Halloween... the day Shelby went to heaven we donate all of the collected items.


 Last year I was able to collect $2000 worth of pajamas and books. I was also able to collect enough for one red wagon that costs $200 per wagon! It was a special day and I had two of my best friends Monica King and Amylia Coover and my daughter Hayley go with me to donate the items to the hospital. A very heartwarming and special day!

If you would like to donate BOOKS, PAJAMAS or STUFFED ANIMALS
Please message me for my address or if local I can arrange to pick them up! If you would like to donate funds for the red wagons or would like for me to purchase pajamas and books...Please PAYPAL me as a "gift" to livinyourlife08@gmail.com.

If you feel inspired to help me in my efforts to collect for this purpose...please feel free to reach out to me. Your donations mean more than you will ever know! 972-533-3158 or just message me on FB.

Find joy in the journey and turn hard things into positive things! Your heart will be happy!

Here is Shealyn Renee

Here is my Shelby Ray....

In memory of my angel babies SHEALYN RENEE and SHELBY RAY who died from a terminal disease called EPIDERMOLYSIS BULLOUSA (Junctional recessive)

Why I'm not Nice Anymore!

Did you see that.... Did you see how she.... Can you believe how she handled that... Can you believe that she let her kid do that.... I would never have let my child.... Can't imagine what they.... What kind of parents would let.... Did you see what she was wearing... Did you see her trip and almost fall...

Why do so many people feel the need to gossip or make fun? Why do so many feel that you need to live your life the way they do? Why are so many people so observant of what you are doing and then JUDGE you? WHY JUDGE? WHY CRITICIZE? WHY GOSSIP? WHY MAKE FUN?

I had my THIRD conversation with someone this week listening to them express hurt and pain at the hand of others! They have been affected by gossip, judging or just plain exclusion. IT HURTS!  You know we have all heard it. But the question is...WERE YOU THE ONE TO STOP IT?

The saddest part of it all is this is happening in churches, in homes, in work places, in social media...EVERYWHERE!                            It's getting worse and worse!   Being this way as a Christian robs The Lord of the church he deserves. Not to mention exposing your own heart and it discredits the gospel in the eyes of the world.  If we spent less time excluding others and judging them, then we would have more time to love and serve them! Christ wants us to bear one another's burdens for the good of the other person!  

It's that simple...Just STOP IT! Enough is enough! BE KIND! FIND ROOM FOR CHRIST IN YOUR LIFE! And if you have Christ in your life then reach out to others and be a light for them to find Christ in theirs!                                                                                                                                               

I have always heard people tell me that I am so nice! I have always thrived on being the nice! It just feels good!  As I was reflecting on the 3 conversations that I had this week,  I was reminded about a situation in high school where some girls were girls were talking about this other girl. I was right there and heard it all and I was being "nice" and didn't say one mean word. But, I don't remember speaking up and saying something to make it stop! I have also had those moments that I was the one gossiping and quickly learned that it felt terrible!  

Being "NICE" was keeping me from speaking up when something needed to be said. Being nice was preventing me from telling someone how I really felt about a certain topic. (since I didn't want to offend) Being nice trapped me at times into gossip because I was listening to someone and not speaking my opinion! (since I didn't want them to feel that I was being judgemental) Being nice kept me from saying how I feel politically or how I feel about racism or all of the things taking place in our world. Sometimes, I still get caught up in asking myself ...should I post that cause that might offend! I think I was addicted to being "NICE" and well a long time ago... I realized 

THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO BE NICE ANYMORE! But, rather.... KIND! 

 I know that I am only one small voice but  If you are reading this...Please commit to being that person that chooses to be kind and puts an end to it when people are gossiping or making critical, judgemental comments about others! I'm not talking about when you have to discuss situations that you are experiencing but straight up gossip!   People feel lonely! People feel hurt! People feel left out! It only takes one person to make a difference in a conversation! Be the one to speak kindness and breath life into another! Validate others! Be a friend! Be kind! Don't be clicky.. make everyone feel included! Do your part! 

There is no room for competing, there is no room for hating, there is no room for judging, there is no room for criticizing, there is no room to belittle others. And there is no room to be too nice and not speak up for what you believe!  Plato said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."    Every day there is someone enduring a stressful job, demanding relationships, abuse from someone they love, someone has no idea how they are gonna make ends meet and a child that is struggling or someone with extreme responsibilities. Everyday there is someone that just got diagnosed with a disease that scares them to death, those that face uncertain futures or even struggles with self worth or loss! The LAST THING ANYONE NEEDS IS SOMEONE JUDGING HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR TRIAL!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Each and every one of us can make a difference and change the world! Making a difference often takes time! I read this quote that I loved so much..It said, "Our kindness may not grow roots until long after we've fertilized the flower beds! 

Every day there is someone, somewhere in the need of kindness!    Find JOY in loving those around you! Find JOY in being KIND! Find JOY in speaking up and making a difference!    

FIND JOY IN THE JOURNEY!