PTSD... The Struggle is REAL!!!

Sunshine, sparkle, inspirational quotes, beautiful people, blue skies...That's my happy place! I could talk about those things all day long with ease. But PTSD it's not my favorite topic, but it is REAL.

I have struggled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). through the years. I was diagnosed many years after losing my second child. Although, I know that I experienced it after losing my first child, but at the time I didn't understand what was happening! No one enjoys admitting that they deal with a mental health issue but as a Life coach and having many conversations with different people, I have learned that most people deal with some kind of issue. If you have ever dealt with depression...that too is a mental health issue. Instead of being embarrassed to talk about it...EMBRACE IT! That is the best way to take steps to move past it, or cope with it better. And who knows... by opening up and sharing your "stuff" you may inspire someone else to open up about their "stuff" and together you both heal or move forward. After speaking with two dear friends in the very same week that have recently been diagnosed with PTSD... I decided to speak out about it. 

PTSD is a serious condition that can develop after a person has experienced a traumatic or terrifying event in which harm, extreme loss, unexpected death, war or natural disaster has affected the individual. I've mentioned through my blogs that I have "flashbacks" or moments where mini movie clips run through my head of the past. For several years after the loss of my babies I dealt with this on a regular basis but as time has gone on; I have been very fortunate that my PTSD has only surfaced with triggers. Since they died on holidays... it mostly happened when Halloween and Thanksgiving would roll around each year. It would also happen in moments when my children would leave us for any extended length of time. Some have dealt with this so bad that it has been debilitating, for me it has never been that serious. And for that, I am grateful.

Let me take you in my mind when PTSD is having it's hay day...

Its a normal day back when Hayley and Kolby were young. I had to run an errand. So I go and put both kids in their car seats. We are traveling down the road when all of a sudden someone slams on their brakes. No big deal right? You hit your brakes too and make the car stop. With PTSD the mind kinda keeps going in these "nightmarish" moments. I slam on my brakes..we are stopped but in my mind the kids fly out of their car seats and break the windshields and I get out of the car and run to them to find them dead and then my mind goes through an entire funeral and burial. I then get a grip on my mind realizing that all of those thoughts happened in a matter of seconds and my conscious mind knows that this isn't real. The problem comes in because the subconscious mind doesn't exactly know that its not real yet... So all of the emotions that one would feel and go through with that terrible accident feel very real. I have countless episodes that I could share but this one came to mind. 

Thankfully, I dealt with it so much right after my kids died that I gained alot of practice on how to get my conscious and subconscious mind aligned and get back to normal life! But imagine that happening all throughout the day! For several years it did! Through the years, I became a pro at dealing with it and no one even knew that I was having an episode. (Well, maybe closer friends and family did)

Bottom line, its no fun! Fast forward to NOW! With the exciting news of Jose being accepted to Texas Tech and them moving to Lubbock in a few short months. Something happened to me inside. It was like the biggest trigger that I have ever felt. Losing the child before and after Hayley... needless to say; she filled many "holes" that Shay and I had. Whether it was healthy or subconsciously unhealthy; we did the best we could with where we were through the years! We didn't have all of the answers on how to survive losing two of our children.

With the recent knowledge that Hayley will be leaving set me into the worst two weeks dealing with PTSD I have ever experienced. I buried her a thousand times in my "day"mares. I prayed, I pleaded, I prayed some more. All the techniques that I had become a pro at using didn't work. I couldn't get it to go away. I didn't want to put a damper on the good news and excitement that we all felt,  so I didn't share it with anyone in my family. They had no idea. (which is unlike me to not share) I just couldn't get it to stop. And I refused to steal any joy that they were experiencing with my issues. So I just endured.

I know that it is normal for a child to grow up and move on and spread their wings and fly! I have ALWAYS supported and encouraged that. But now that it was happening for real, my heart couldn't handle it! I realized that Hayley leaving opened up every single wound that I have ever felt through all of the losses I have experienced. I realized that her precious birth and the chance to keep her here on earth with us filled up many of those wounds. I have spent years healing from loss but there never really is an end...(well, until Christ comes again) But, you know what I mean!

Many have said to me "that I will be fine" and yes I know that it is true. But, her leaving wasn't your typical child growing up and leaving...it was much deeper than that.

Hayley and I have been connected at the hip for her entire life. Of course, with moments that we wanted to kill each other between 11 and 13!  (Not literally, of course) She is my best friend. Since she home schooled we literally have shared every single day together (with the exception of when I traveled). Especially the last 5 as she has grown into the beautiful woman that she is now... we have created daily memories. We have always been close but through the years she has become my dearest, most special best friend. (Of course, Shay is too) But to have the kind of relationship that we have will be hard to live without in our daily lives.

I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel. Through my prayers, I have learned alot! I have realized that these two weeks even though hard, were extremely healing. I haven't gone to those places in my mind in many years. I truly believe that this gave me a chance to clear out some holes that were pushed away through the years that I wasn't even aware were there. I have had the chance to fill those holes with the proper things. I have been able to feed my mind with words of the Savior that we are never alone and that every loss will be made up to us in the eternities. I also learned to love myself on a deeper level with all of my baggage from the hurts, pains and losses that I have experienced thus far in my life.

It has allowed me to purge the unhealthy and focus on the brighter side. Man, I am glad that's over..PTSD is emotionally exhausting. Its been about a month since I dealt with that experience and I am now so focused on my new journey and finding JOY in the future. I am not promising that it wont be without many tears, as it will be hard to learn to live daily life without Hayley. But I also know that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. I will continue to feed my mind with FAITH, TRUTH AND LOVE.

Find JOY in your weakness as all weaknesses can be made into strengths!

A GIRL'S WORST NIGHTMARE!!!!!

It was a regular weekday...when all of a sudden I realized that I had a conflict of schedule in the upcoming week. So I immediately made a phone call to reschedule my conflicting appointment, so that I could attend Kolby's homecoming game. No big deal! When I called to reschedule the appointment, they couldn't work me in for my hair appointment. It was going to be two weeks later!

Ladies.... we all know that when it is time for an appointment, it is time! But, what do you do... So I scheduled my appointment for two weeks. I went on with my week. At least I wasn't gonna miss my boy playing. I was happy about that!

The weekend rolls around and Kolby reminds me that we are going to take Homecoming pictures by the pond in our neighborhood.... and I immediately thought, "um I can't take any pictures til I get this gray hair covered up" So, I immediately called my friend, Amylia (we are both blonde's) and asked where she gets her hair done, I was going to use her person this ONE time!

I got the info and called but they couldn't get in on a busy Saturday...so they told me they would call me if someone canceled! Well, I got that call, but it wasn't with the girl that did my friends hair. It was with another one of their stylists...but they reassured me that she was wonderful! So no worries...this salon has been around for years! On to my appointment I went!

So, I am sitting in the chair discussing with the girl and three others (her co-workers) how I want my hair. I felt totally comfortable and actually at ease as I listened to them all discuss their opinion on the best mix to create the color that I wanted for fall season. She proceeds to get all the supplies ready and of course my questions and hair history begins.... So how long have you been doing hair? You are familiar with doing curly hair? What products are you using? etc. (I have had hair disasters in the past, so I have to make sure they feel confident with curly hair) She tells me that she knows how hard it is to find someone to do natural curly hair and she felt my pain, because her daughters have natural curly hair and it put me at ease. She made me feel confident with every answer! Plus she had the two other girls that she was consulting with. So all was well! We chatted and visited as she proceeded to put the foils in my hair!

Shay sent me a text, asking me where I was...so I just happened to have a picture at this point because I sent a picture text of where I was...


NOTICE HOW MANY FOILS ARE IN MY HAIR...... (remember that as I continue my story)


And the "cover up the gray" project continues...




LONG STORY, A LITTLE SHORTER (or longer).....She takes all of the foils out of my hair and I notice this funny look on her face. I was in the washing bowl and I can tell that the foil don't slip off of my hair... She is kind of just picking them out of my hair! I asked her with exclamation, "Is something wrong?" She answers, "No, just getting some left over conditioner out of your hair."  That response doesn't feel right to me and so I say..."A little conditioner never hurt my hair... I 'll just take a look in the mirror and let's start styling and drying."

She hesitates to let me look in the mirror. As I sit down in the chair she immediately turns my chair away from the mirror and starts blow drying my hair. By this time, I KNOW SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT! I immediately turn the chair around to the mirror with a little force and MY FACE TURNS PALE IN AN INSTANT! I begin running my fingers through my hair only to find that there is NOT ANY HAIR IN THE FRONT OF MY HEAD! I ask her, where is my hair... WHAT HAPPENED?? WHERE IS MY HAIR?? WHERE IS MY HAIR?? I am keeping calm ( a little, OK so maybe not so calm) and I just kept repeating myself like I was in absolute SHOCK! She begins to tell me that I had some baby hairs and so on and so on! I told her I DID NOT HAVE ANY BANGS OR BABY HAIRS AND TO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY HAIR! She continues to beat around the bush and not tell the truth! ALL OF A SUDDEN... A lady comes from around the corner and says..."Oh no you are not gonna "BS" her... YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED... You over processed her hair and it ALL BROKE OFF, EVERY SINGLE PLACE THAT YOU HAD FOIL" 

AND THE TEARS BEGAN TO FLOW DOWN MY FACE! I AM IN COMPLETE SHOCK AT THIS POINT.... MY HAIR IS GONE! 

I CAN'T QUIT CRYING! MY HAIR IS LITERALLY GONE! 

So, that lady was the owner, and I just happened to be so blessed for her to be there...as we were the only two left at the salon! I really don't know what I would have done if she hadn't have been there to come around that corner and be so honest and outspoken! She literally made me get up and come over to her station and helped me wipe away my tears and said, "I will stick by your side and do whatever it takes to get your hair back to where it was and better!" She basically cried with me! I was so touched by her compassion! I shed tears for the girl that ruined my hair too. She didn't mean to do it! It was an accident! Come to find out, She has been a hairdresser for many, many years but has been out to have twin girls and raise them for a few years and was just coming back into the salon. Her mind was scattered and she was distracted and lost track of time as my hair had the product on it and literally burned it right off my head in every single spot that had foil! I had alot of emotions! 

Kelley, the owner begins to try and salvage what she could and decided that straightening my hair would be best for a short term solution! She did all she could... but really it was a disaster! When my hair is straight it is nearly down to my lower back... and here is where it was after this fiasco.....

I WENT FROM THIS....(all the hair across my forehead is gone and all over my head my hair is broken)

TO THIS.............

Yep...as you can see... My hair is to my shoulders STRAIGHT. So imagine where it would be curly! 

I was so sad! Notice the front.... WELL YOU CAN'T NOTICE... BECAUSE IT IS GONE! As you know, it takes twice as long to grow curly hair to the length that you want it and so this meant maybe close to a year or better to EVEN BEGIN TO GET CLOSE TO WHERE MY HAIR LENGTH WAS!

So... I left the salon that day 6 hours later and cried all the way home! And the next day and the next! Every time I went to look in the mirror I just cried! It was so bad! I couldn't do anything with it! 

The third day, I woke up and said, enough is enough! It is what it is, and you can't un-do this! So, I decided to make the best of it! Kelly had offered to introduce me to this guy named Buddy Sharp (a former Dallas Cheerleaders hair stylist) to get extensions! I had never had extensions and so I knew that it would be extremely hard to match my hair to any extension. But she said if anyone could do it...Buddy could! So I prayed about it and decided to try it! I called Kelley and said let's go for it! 

SIDE NOTE: Kelley paid $1800 out of her own pocket to get these extensions for me! They ordered European curly, blonde hair! (very hard to get your hands on) I did not know this until after the fact! Amazing lady full of compassion to make my situation right! 

I walk in and meet Buddy Sharp, that greets me with the biggest hug and kindest words of sympathy for my hair situation but then mentions, "what if this is right where God wanted you to be"
Buddy is a special soul... He lights up a room with his big personality and warm heart and big smile! Grateful to know him and be blessed by his talents! 

{Now, here is a little back story... I had been praying for some new connections for my Scentsy business. Little did I know that the answer to my prayer was going to be through this unfortunate situation.}

This IS where God wanted me to be! We begin to chat and share about life and he invites me to bring Scentsy to his extremely busy salon and set up all throughout the Christmas holiday. And Kelly also came to my appointment for support and also shared that she would be buying all of her stylists Scentsy this year for their Christmas gifts! I knew that my prayers had been answered! Yes, I believe that sometimes our blessings come in disguise of other things like hair catastrophes to help us grow and learn and endure!

You see, I learned alot about myself through this disaster! I didn't realize how much my hair was a positive spot for me...without my hair I felt blah! Which made me ponder what life is like for the beautiful souls that endure cancer and lose all of their hair! I began to be grateful that I still had some hair. It made me feel fat to have such short, burned up hair. Which made me realize that I have fallen off from taking care of myself the way I need too! Which has encouraged me to get that part of my life right AGAIN! I looked in the mirror one day and had alot of negative things to say to myself...(which is not a regular thing for me to do...I was just feeling down from my hair) I saw my double chin, and the wrinkles on my forehead that my hair used to cover, and the scars where I had severe sunburns in the past! I couldn't cover any of it up! Which made me stop and think how much my Heavenly Father loves me exactly how I am..scars, wrinkles, double chin and all!  I needed to love me with broken off, burnt up hair too!  I began to be grateful for this experience and how it had opened my eyes to bigger and better thoughts! 

So not only did I realize all of these beautiful things, I also grew my Scentsy business in a big way as the orders continue to come in at my weekly hair appointments! 

So here is my hair extension day....

Long side is extensions and short side is my hair all broken off and damaged!  

THIS IS MY HAIR AFTER THE AMAZING EXTENSIONS

I cant even imagine the last 2 months without Kelley and Buddy loving me and supporting me through this hair disaster!  Giving me these extensions to allow a little growing time has been a lifesaver!
It hasn't been easy... In fact, its been hard! It's been hard to match my curls to the extensions. It's been hard to keep the extensions from getting tangled. It's been hard to fix it everyday, as I have to wash it EVERY SINGLE DAY! It has been hard to keep the extensions from not getting matted together. I have had to wear my hair back in clips every day. But I also know that valuable things often come through hard situations! Valuable lessons, beautiful connections, and more self worth!

Even though my hair journey is gonna be a LONG one...I am cherishing the new friendships that I have made. Kelley is a wonderful person that has a huge heart and has touched me with her committed efforts to get my hair back to normal! Not only does she see me weekly, she and Buddy have shared some amazing hair products with me that has made my hair grow twice as fast! I am loving MONAT!

Next week I will have the extensions removed and I am nervous! But, I will go with it! Whatever it looks like and however short! The blessings have been worth the cost of enduring this. I am grateful to be reminded once again that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...even with some jacked up hair! Short hair coming soon!

THANK YOU KELLEY AND BUDDY!

Shealyn and Shelby... My Angels

Tis the season for all things FALL! So many anticipate this time of year full of pumpkins, decorating, cooler temps, hot chocolate nights and much more. I love it all too! But this season brings so much more than that for me. My precious Shealyn and Shelby both lived their lives through these months. Shealyn lived July til Thanksgiving day in November and Shelby lived May til Halloween day in October. So these months are full of precious memories and "movie clips" running through my mind at any given moment.

All of a sudden, the laughing, cheery, smiling Heather disappears and a more subdued, quiet, reverent Heather appears. Actually, it comes and goes. I'm not like that everyday at every moment, it's just during that time I never know when it is going to hit me. A memory will hit and that movie clip just plays at a moments notice. I can never pinpoint when this transition will come. Sometimes I know its here because while walking though Walmart a chord is struck the moment I see pumpkins out that triggers those tears to stream down my face out of nowhere. Sometimes, it's when the kids say, "Mom, are you listening to me?" They can tell that I am in another place in my mind! Sometimes, it can be hard to be around many people that haven't known me for long because they think I'm depressed if I have one of these moments hit me or they don't know how to take this side of me because they are used to my "happy-go lucky self". But, it's OK...it will pass shortly and I soon won't be tearing up out of nowhere! haha!  I actually appreciate these few weeks or months (different every year) to reflect on this special phase.... for some reason it always hits me in September. 

I'm grateful to be reminded of how far I have come from that 19 year old mother laying on the floor crying for weeks in front of an empty cradle by the christmas tree or the tears that streamed down my face at the sound of crying babies in church that only reminded me of my empty hands.  And many, many, many more experiences through those younger years when I was learning how to live with my losses. 

Because the truth is that as the years went on I learned that it wasn't loss at all but a great and special opportunity to grow into someone that I would have never become without the experiences that a loving Heavenly Father chose for me to go through. As a 40 year old, I know that my heart was crushed to understand the beautiful JOY that is accessible in this life. I was broken down as to understand how incredibly important dependency on God through this life is.  And also a relationship that we should all strive for so that we know Him and strive to be like Him. I wouldn't trade the lessons from loss for anything. For I have gained so much and the lessons have also shaped me and molded me to be a better me.

This IS NOT a sad time for me, yet simply an exploring of my heart, thoughts and feelings. I never knew when I lost my first child so many years ago and then the second child 4 years later that it would have been such a life-long trial for me. Loss of children or loss period has so many stages and phases. I love seeing what messages the Lord will bring to me each year through this season for me. I learn something new every year. 

I have spent the last 20 years trying to figure out and explore the new phases that hit year after year especially during this fall season. One thing for sure is that this trial of loss has kept me close to my Heavenly Father and has helped me live a life that is focused on what matters most. God, family and serving others. I may shed tears, and I may talk about them more during this time than the rest of the year....but one thing is for sure! I'm grateful for eternal families and the knowledge that I have that we will be together again if I live my life worthy to receive those blessings. 

Speaking of service, I have found a way to turn those hard cycles that used to hit me every year into positive ones. I started an annual fundraiser last year in memory of my sweet daughter,  Shealyn and my precious son Shelby called

"PAJAMA PAGES".  Since they spent their little lives in pajamas...I collect pj's for the children that spend Halloween in the hospital. And I collect books because I was either reading to my babies or to Hayley when she came to visit us in the hospital for months. This year I have included stuffed animals.



We also collect funds to go to the red wagons at Children's Medical Center. Shelby used to ride in the wagons to his therapy treatments and it was the one thing that Hayley could help with by pulling her brother around. 

Starting this service project during this season warms my heart and feels so good to turn that loss into something positive. Then on Halloween... the day Shelby went to heaven we donate all of the collected items.


 Last year I was able to collect $2000 worth of pajamas and books. I was also able to collect enough for one red wagon that costs $200 per wagon! It was a special day and I had two of my best friends Monica King and Amylia Coover and my daughter Hayley go with me to donate the items to the hospital. A very heartwarming and special day!

If you would like to donate BOOKS, PAJAMAS or STUFFED ANIMALS
Please message me for my address or if local I can arrange to pick them up! If you would like to donate funds for the red wagons or would like for me to purchase pajamas and books...Please PAYPAL me as a "gift" to livinyourlife08@gmail.com.

If you feel inspired to help me in my efforts to collect for this purpose...please feel free to reach out to me. Your donations mean more than you will ever know! 972-533-3158 or just message me on FB.

Find joy in the journey and turn hard things into positive things! Your heart will be happy!

Here is Shealyn Renee

Here is my Shelby Ray....

In memory of my angel babies SHEALYN RENEE and SHELBY RAY who died from a terminal disease called EPIDERMOLYSIS BULLOUSA (Junctional recessive)

Why I'm not Nice Anymore!

Did you see that.... Did you see how she.... Can you believe how she handled that... Can you believe that she let her kid do that.... I would never have let my child.... Can't imagine what they.... What kind of parents would let.... Did you see what she was wearing... Did you see her trip and almost fall...

Why do so many people feel the need to gossip or make fun? Why do so many feel that you need to live your life the way they do? Why are so many people so observant of what you are doing and then JUDGE you? WHY JUDGE? WHY CRITICIZE? WHY GOSSIP? WHY MAKE FUN?

I had my THIRD conversation with someone this week listening to them express hurt and pain at the hand of others! They have been affected by gossip, judging or just plain exclusion. IT HURTS!  You know we have all heard it. But the question is...WERE YOU THE ONE TO STOP IT?

The saddest part of it all is this is happening in churches, in homes, in work places, in social media...EVERYWHERE!                            It's getting worse and worse!   Being this way as a Christian robs The Lord of the church he deserves. Not to mention exposing your own heart and it discredits the gospel in the eyes of the world.  If we spent less time excluding others and judging them, then we would have more time to love and serve them! Christ wants us to bear one another's burdens for the good of the other person!  

It's that simple...Just STOP IT! Enough is enough! BE KIND! FIND ROOM FOR CHRIST IN YOUR LIFE! And if you have Christ in your life then reach out to others and be a light for them to find Christ in theirs!                                                                                                                                               

I have always heard people tell me that I am so nice! I have always thrived on being the nice! It just feels good!  As I was reflecting on the 3 conversations that I had this week,  I was reminded about a situation in high school where some girls were girls were talking about this other girl. I was right there and heard it all and I was being "nice" and didn't say one mean word. But, I don't remember speaking up and saying something to make it stop! I have also had those moments that I was the one gossiping and quickly learned that it felt terrible!  

Being "NICE" was keeping me from speaking up when something needed to be said. Being nice was preventing me from telling someone how I really felt about a certain topic. (since I didn't want to offend) Being nice trapped me at times into gossip because I was listening to someone and not speaking my opinion! (since I didn't want them to feel that I was being judgemental) Being nice kept me from saying how I feel politically or how I feel about racism or all of the things taking place in our world. Sometimes, I still get caught up in asking myself ...should I post that cause that might offend! I think I was addicted to being "NICE" and well a long time ago... I realized 

THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO BE NICE ANYMORE! But, rather.... KIND! 

 I know that I am only one small voice but  If you are reading this...Please commit to being that person that chooses to be kind and puts an end to it when people are gossiping or making critical, judgemental comments about others! I'm not talking about when you have to discuss situations that you are experiencing but straight up gossip!   People feel lonely! People feel hurt! People feel left out! It only takes one person to make a difference in a conversation! Be the one to speak kindness and breath life into another! Validate others! Be a friend! Be kind! Don't be clicky.. make everyone feel included! Do your part! 

There is no room for competing, there is no room for hating, there is no room for judging, there is no room for criticizing, there is no room to belittle others. And there is no room to be too nice and not speak up for what you believe!  Plato said, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."    Every day there is someone enduring a stressful job, demanding relationships, abuse from someone they love, someone has no idea how they are gonna make ends meet and a child that is struggling or someone with extreme responsibilities. Everyday there is someone that just got diagnosed with a disease that scares them to death, those that face uncertain futures or even struggles with self worth or loss! The LAST THING ANYONE NEEDS IS SOMEONE JUDGING HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR TRIAL!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Each and every one of us can make a difference and change the world! Making a difference often takes time! I read this quote that I loved so much..It said, "Our kindness may not grow roots until long after we've fertilized the flower beds! 

Every day there is someone, somewhere in the need of kindness!    Find JOY in loving those around you! Find JOY in being KIND! Find JOY in speaking up and making a difference!    

FIND JOY IN THE JOURNEY!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

A Boring Blog....

Who Cares? Nobody wants to read your blog? You don't get very many comments when you write... So obviously it doesn't matter if you write or not! YOUR BLOG IS BORING! People will think your idea is dumb!  UGH...Go away stupid thoughts...I AM WRITING ANYWAY!

Thank goodness I am not like this 24/7...it is hard on me to be this way! I'd rather stay in my "LIVING ON THE BRIGHT-SIDE" world! hahahaha But, thank goodness it  only lasts one month a year and at least its not everyday!

On top of the racing thoughts I emotionally eat! My mind tells me that  no one likes me and during this one month I actually care if that is true! The one thing that is awesome about me experiencing all of this is because I know people that feel this way all the time and it gives me compassion to understand people and feel what it feels like! I suffer from PTSD! I have chosen to let myself feel it all and have never taken medicine even though it has been recommended many times by a healthcare professional! I believe in feeling it and reach to a higher source to overcome! I pray to my Heavenly Father above for daily relief and I am always blessed! Then September ends and it all goes away and I slip back into Heather again until next September! It always hits early!

YEP...THIS ....IS ....ME..TONIGHT.....RAW!

This time of year can be so challenging for me! My thoughts can be irrational, I'm on the verge of tears at any given moment, I appear like I am spaced out due to memories floating on auto pilot 24/7! Really absent-minded (well that is actually all year round hehehe) I'm super sensitive, and my thoughts consume me!  It's so hard to be around people because it sooooo obvious that I am not my normal self!

Grief is hard and it really never ends. It comes every year like clock work. I was hoping that it passed quickly this year but it sneaks up when I least expect it! It isn't convenient and it puts me in a funk!

Loss creates a feeling of emptiness which creates lonliness which creates insecurity and other feelings!

I try to keep myself busy this time of year as to not get to caught up in my thoughts! I believe that Satan knows that I am weak, vulnerable and sensitive so he does all in his power to fill my head with lies! The raw truth is sometimes I believe them! I know the pattern that hits me every year so you would think that I had it all figured out by now and could resist this phase! But for so many years I felt embarrassed to admit what I faced every year! Then one day it hit me! Why am I taking criticism from someone who has never lost a child?

I remember asking my grandma before she died if she ever healed from losing her son and her response validated me! She told me that not a day went by that she didn't think about her son. Some days if she let her memories go too far she could have a tear running down her face out of nowhere!

It is such a physical thing...my body with all of it's amazing senses records the past and triggers my mind to go into a frenzy... so the smells, temperatures and visuals can spark a nerve at any moment!

THE ABOVE IS MY REALITY....BUT I AM A FIGHTER...I AM STRONG...I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING...I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.......

So last year I decided that I was going to GIVE BACK and do something different than just getting through the month!  I decided that I was going to take all this painful energy that comes every year and turn it around for good!

Then the negative thoughts came again... You tried to do something before and you got very little response or feedback so you know its going to fail....BUT I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO HIS LIES!

SO I AM GOING FOR IT! I AM CHOOSING VICTORY! I AM BIGGER THAN MY TRIALS!

Both my kids died on a holiday (Thanksgiving and Halloween)  Shelby died on Halloween day  and I was not in the mood to go out and do the typical festivities! So Hayley and I began a routine of staying home in our pajamas/sweats and handing out candy to all of the cute kids that came to the door! We love it and still do it to this day! Kolby came along and loves Halloween...so he gets to go off with his friends while Hayley and I continue our tradition!

So here is what I decided to do! (And I am sooooo very excited that my dear friend Amylia Coover has joined me in my efforts for this cause).... WE HAVE STARTED A NON-PROFIT BENEFIT CALLED "PAJAMA PAGES" I will be collecting pajamas and books for the kids at Children's Medical Center in Dallas...(where both my babies lived during their lives) Since the kids in the hospital can't go out and take part in the typical festivities of Halloween....I will deliver the pajamas and books on HALLOWEEN DAY! I will also be collecting any monetary donations to purchase the little red wagons that the kids are transported in around the hospital! They are $250 each!

I can't wait to begin this project in memory of my precious angel babies...SHEALYN RENEE' AND SHELBY RAY

I will be writing more tomorrow about pajama pages and where to send donations! I am really excited to launch this! I know that I don't have tons of time to collect this year but you have to start somewhere before anything can become something!

I am finding JOY in my sorrows and doing something to replace the holes and emptiness that this season brings for me! I am choosing to be bigger than my circumstances! I will nip this PTSD out once and for all!

And if I don't get any comments...I will continue writing anyway! This too shall pass...It does every year! Thanks to my daughter Hayley for teaching me how valuable vulnerability is and how empowering it is to just be RAW!

THANKS FOR READING MY BORING BLOG! If you are new to my blog and wondering about my angels you can look through past blogs to read my story!

I looked UP!

The most favorite time of the year is here for so many! The weather has finally changed. It feels so different on my skin than the sun does. I actually love this season too. But as it approaches...So does many memories, emotions and feelings.

The triggers are everywhere! The smells, the weather, the breeze, the pumpkins in every store. Everywhere I turn something triggers memories to flood through my mind. It hits me out of the blue when I least expect it. Through the years I have tried so many things to get through it or overcome it. The truth is that it comes no matter what! Its a part of my life and so this season is never the same for me.

It was never an easy trial to endure losing two of my children. (which with loss you kinda are never done enduring) Each year during this season I am reminded of all that I have become through it all. However, when I least expect my eyes might start leaking!

So the other day I woke up and could tell that that day had hit. My eyes wouldn't stop leaking. Nothing I could do stopped it! Its actually not easy for me to endure this phase because I am not my normal self. Its causes me to be the opposite of everything I normally am! I become pretty reserved and don't really enjoy being around a lot of people! I could be completely normal and all of a sudden a thought will cross my mind and the tears flow. (Yeah, like I said...hard to be around others) People look at me like I am crazy.

Anyway, that morning I had to get out and take Kolby to school and I couldn't hold back the tears. Its like my body has a memory and when the fall hits it just reacts to all that is stored, like clockwork.

I was actually praying for this phase to pass quickly! Yes, of course I am grateful for the flow of  memories and a time to reflect on my sweet babies Shealyn and Shelby.  However, on the emotional side...."Aint not body got time for dat!"


I was on the way back from taking Kolby to school and I was in a school zone with a cop clocking his radar. So like anyone would do, I was watching  the speedometer to make sure I didn't go over 20 mph. I continued through the school zone without a problem. My mind was totally somewhere else thinking of what life would have been like if my cute babies were still alive and a part of our family.  I actually longed for them as this time of year kinda does that to me! I just kinda cried a little more when all of a sudden I happened to LOOK UP!

This is what I saw! Oh WOW! All of a sudden the lyrics to Somewhere Over the Rainbow came across my mind. (which was a song I used to sing to Shealyn.) So I can hardly hear it without some special feelings consuming me and maybe a few tears.  I couldn't help but have a heart full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that moment. I felt so close to my babies for just a moment. For a moment I had a glimpse of that beautiful day when I get to be with them again. For just a moment I felt like I was with them! It was an answer to my prayer! FOR JUST A MOMENT I DIDN'T WANT TIME TO MOVE! It was special!

I always thought that I could control the emotions that this season brings.  But the triggers have a way of taking charge. So, like every year,  I was desiring that the season didn't get me down and that I didn't slip into old bad patterns of grief, like previous years. And with just one look upward... Everything changed!

I drove home and went to my bedroom and knelt down to thank my Heavenly Father for precious moments that were sent to me when all of a sudden my phone started to ring....It was my sweet husband! I hear..."Heather do you think its possible for you to go outside and maybe see what I am seeing?" I immediately knew what he was talking about and he was many miles away. He said, "You gotta see it...It's beautiful, you will love it" He told me it was the most beautiful complete rainbow he had ever seen! He was seeing it start to finish and there was not one but two. He said, it made him think of both our babies!

On this regular weekday morning we both had been blessed!

And of course, I balled! I know that these precious moments are tender mercies straight from The Lord. Oh how my heart was filled with JOY! Oh how happy I am that I looked up!

 I can't help but think of the analogies of choosing to look up! HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR MY LITTLE ANGELS! Oh how happy it makes me feel to know that one day we will be reunited!

My human heart was filled with hope, love and the sweetest visions of "someday"

Find JOY in the hard days and LOOK UP...for that is where we will find healing!

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?

Love you, Shealyn Renee' and Shelby Ray



Please excuse the noise!

Today I went to my scheduled massage appointment. I walked in and checked in like normal. As I sat down and waited for my name to be called. I quickly noticed  a couple upset clients at the counter. One lady was talking so loud it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt so bad for the girl behind the counter. She was so angry and I wasn't sure why! I noticed on the counter a small sign that read... Please excuse the noise. I didn't hear any noise... So I was clueless what was going on! Then I heard her say, "That was the worst experience I have ever had and I want my money back" The associate was trying so hard to validate her and calm her down but nothing worked. (I don't know about you but I always say a little prayer in those situations)

My name was then called and I went back for my massage. As I walked to the room, the therapist said, "I apologize ahead of time for the noise...There is construction going on next door and it is not your typical massage experience...So I am telling you now in case you would like to reschedule"

I was thinking, how bad could it be?? Well, it actually was minimal for a moment so I figured since I am already here...lets just go for it! So I get all prepared and the therapist comes in and begins the massage. All of a sudden I hear a jackhammer and about 20 different people hammering at different times and saws and metal and banging... almost enough noise to make it comical! The therapist said, the offer is still on the table if you would like to reschedule. I thought for a moment and decided I would just go for it! I just said turn the music up as loud as it goes.

The massage begins and the noise only got louder and more consistent. I could hardly relax and it truly was rather annoying!  So then I thought to myself what if I focus my attention on the music and the massage and try to  tune out the construction noise. I tried and I immediately hear a jackhammer begin...I try again and I hear banging  louder than at first! But I had already made a decision to stay so I just dealt with it.

I laid there and continued to focus on the music and the coolest thing happened... When I let go and chose to relax anyway (no matter how noisy it was) and chose to tune into the music instead of the construction noise the hammering noise phased out and the music seemed louder. I focused on the massage and enjoyed every minute of it! I realized that I actually was enjoying the massage more than normal.

I couldn't help but think about the world we live in and how there is so much noise. So many things that are pounding and banging for our attention. So many things going on and we cant seem to feel the peace and quiet that we desire. We want all the bad to go away and don't want to have to endure the hard.

But actually what I realized was that I couldn't make the noise go away. I could either check out or endure it. Since I chose to endure it... I learned a valuable lesson! Isn't that how life is too! Even though we have to endure hard things we always learn valuable lessons that make us stronger than we were before.

Every single day we hear of more and more "noise" that we can't make go away. But we have a choice to check out or endure it and make the best of it! With the construction noise full blast today I learned that focusing my mind and attention on the better part (which today was the massage and the music) that the bad part just kinda crept away. Still there... but  did not affect me! In fact, it was one of the best massages I have had.

And now the best part... I walk out to the counter, and the same girl that was getting chewed out by the upset lady before I went in asked me how my massage went. I told her that it was wonderful! She looked at me with a crazy face...she was not expecting that response at all. She smiles and says you are the first person to say that! I said well it was a bit noisy but I just focused on the music and it was wonderful! The manager was right there and comes over and does something on the computer. She says mam..he just gave you a free massage!

Another reminder that the reward is after you endure!

Find JOY amongst the noise and
seek the GOOD no matter what!