I looked UP!

The most favorite time of the year is here for so many! The weather has finally changed. It feels so different on my skin than the sun does. I actually love this season too. But as it approaches...So does many memories, emotions and feelings.

The triggers are everywhere! The smells, the weather, the breeze, the pumpkins in every store. Everywhere I turn something triggers memories to flood through my mind. It hits me out of the blue when I least expect it. Through the years I have tried so many things to get through it or overcome it. The truth is that it comes no matter what! Its a part of my life and so this season is never the same for me.

It was never an easy trial to endure losing two of my children. (which with loss you kinda are never done enduring) Each year during this season I am reminded of all that I have become through it all. However, when I least expect my eyes might start leaking!

So the other day I woke up and could tell that that day had hit. My eyes wouldn't stop leaking. Nothing I could do stopped it! Its actually not easy for me to endure this phase because I am not my normal self. Its causes me to be the opposite of everything I normally am! I become pretty reserved and don't really enjoy being around a lot of people! I could be completely normal and all of a sudden a thought will cross my mind and the tears flow. (Yeah, like I said...hard to be around others) People look at me like I am crazy.

Anyway, that morning I had to get out and take Kolby to school and I couldn't hold back the tears. Its like my body has a memory and when the fall hits it just reacts to all that is stored, like clockwork.

I was actually praying for this phase to pass quickly! Yes, of course I am grateful for the flow of  memories and a time to reflect on my sweet babies Shealyn and Shelby.  However, on the emotional side...."Aint not body got time for dat!"


I was on the way back from taking Kolby to school and I was in a school zone with a cop clocking his radar. So like anyone would do, I was watching  the speedometer to make sure I didn't go over 20 mph. I continued through the school zone without a problem. My mind was totally somewhere else thinking of what life would have been like if my cute babies were still alive and a part of our family.  I actually longed for them as this time of year kinda does that to me! I just kinda cried a little more when all of a sudden I happened to LOOK UP!

This is what I saw! Oh WOW! All of a sudden the lyrics to Somewhere Over the Rainbow came across my mind. (which was a song I used to sing to Shealyn.) So I can hardly hear it without some special feelings consuming me and maybe a few tears.  I couldn't help but have a heart full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for that moment. I felt so close to my babies for just a moment. For a moment I had a glimpse of that beautiful day when I get to be with them again. For just a moment I felt like I was with them! It was an answer to my prayer! FOR JUST A MOMENT I DIDN'T WANT TIME TO MOVE! It was special!

I always thought that I could control the emotions that this season brings.  But the triggers have a way of taking charge. So, like every year,  I was desiring that the season didn't get me down and that I didn't slip into old bad patterns of grief, like previous years. And with just one look upward... Everything changed!

I drove home and went to my bedroom and knelt down to thank my Heavenly Father for precious moments that were sent to me when all of a sudden my phone started to ring....It was my sweet husband! I hear..."Heather do you think its possible for you to go outside and maybe see what I am seeing?" I immediately knew what he was talking about and he was many miles away. He said, "You gotta see it...It's beautiful, you will love it" He told me it was the most beautiful complete rainbow he had ever seen! He was seeing it start to finish and there was not one but two. He said, it made him think of both our babies!

On this regular weekday morning we both had been blessed!

And of course, I balled! I know that these precious moments are tender mercies straight from The Lord. Oh how my heart was filled with JOY! Oh how happy I am that I looked up!

 I can't help but think of the analogies of choosing to look up! HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR MY LITTLE ANGELS! Oh how happy it makes me feel to know that one day we will be reunited!

My human heart was filled with hope, love and the sweetest visions of "someday"

Find JOY in the hard days and LOOK UP...for that is where we will find healing!

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?

Love you, Shealyn Renee' and Shelby Ray